Maximum Capacity

I think we may have hit maximum capacity.  I said tonight "I don't want to be sick.  I don't want to be broken".  It isn't so much that I am scared of the battle to come (although I am), but more that I just want to live my life and not have it disrupted.  I want to take care of my baby girl and start an exercise regime and continue to create new recipes to cook at home.  I want to go out with my friends and celebrate the many 30th birthdays this year, and have family dinners at home.  I want all of these things and to not have them compromised by feeling sick by the poison I'm about to put in my body or by my insecurity about being the fat bald girl.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been so focused on the diagnostics and the doctors appointments and the fertility that I've somewhat been able to ignore this aspect of this process.  I could hold it in my heart that although I might have some bad days and need a little help for a couple of days every other week, ultimately my life would be minimally disrupted.  The last couple of days this imaginary future has been shattered a bit.

Everyone wants to help.  I am exceptionally grateful for the love and support I am receiving.  Let me be clear about this first and foremost.  With that said, I don't want help.  No, it isn't that- I don't want to need help.  I want to be strong and independent and do all of the things I said before.  The idea of having to accept people cooking me meals, cleaning my house, caring for my baby, breaks my heart.  I guess I'm not very good at leaning on others and I'm guessing this must be a part of my lesson in this.  I thought I did pretty well with it when I had Isabella and was recovering from birth, but apparently that wasn't good enough.

Aside from allowing myself to be vulnerable in this most undesired way, I am working with the reality of what chemo is going to be like.  I expect to lose my hair.  I expect to be sick and tired.  I expect to feel "wrong" as the chemicals course through my veins.  I can say all of these things very matter-of-factly but at the end of the day I am terrified of the unknown.  I believe myself to be strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at me but I also know that I have limits- at least emotionally speaking.

So I sludge through this experience, wondering how I will be, who I will be, and what will become of me at the end of it all.

Facts and figures updates- they are harvesting my eggs on Tuesday so fertility will be done.  Still no word on my PET scan results, but I expect I will hear from one of my doctors tomorrow about it.  This will hopefully determine if they want to ultrasound and biopsy the lymphnodes that appeared slightly enlarged on the MRI.  Chemo starts the 21st, so I have exactly one week from tomorrow to prepare for that.  I go to my "class" about it on Thursday as well as a counseling session with the cancer counselor and Nick.

The plan for this week other than the harvest?  I'm focusing on preparing for chemo, having some "normal" fun, and helping Nick unwind a little to prepare too.  I think we are all feeling the weight of this right now...