Last night Isabella barely slept. I don't know if she is teething, having tummy troubles, going through a growth spurt, advancing developmentally, or all of the above. All I know is that Nick, my mom and I took turns all evening quieting Isabella, and then after bringing her to bed she woke up every hour or less. (As I type this I remember she did this for three days straight before tooth number one appearing- please universe, let that be the cause!) Tonight- it is looking very much the same. My sweet girl had a relatively nasty disposition all day today as a result of her lack of sleep too. She was screaming at me this morning when I was trying to coax her into a morning nap- so much so that my mom was woken up down the hall and came to see what the heck was going on. Gratefully the subsequent naps weren't quite as traumatizing, but not easy all the same. Tonight I am feeling a little beaten up from such a long day with a cranky baby.
This is where the whole cancer thing comes in. My energy is limited and I know this. Nothing is as important as caring for my baby, but I admit- my coping skills are lacking at the moment. Or overloaded perhaps. Although I seem to be up for the challenge of a "normal" day in the life with my little love, a day after zero sleep for both of us feels almost insurmountable. My mom even let me sleep this morning when she found Isabella hysterically screaming in protest to her morning nap, and yet when I was on my own this afternoon and evening I felt like I was losing it.
And so I have to make decisions about whether it was just a hard day because it was a hard day, and I would have felt the way that I did whether or not I was dealing with cancer. Or if in fact the day was harder than it should have been because of my somewhat overloaded capacity. Truth be told, in my pre-cancer life, I would have asked for help today. I would have made sure to have back up because I would have been zonked by the lack of sleep on its own. But then I start to worry about conserving my energy, and not wearing myself out because it could make treatment harder, etc etc etc.
I feel like I am starting to ramble so I will stop here, but I guess today was just a reminder that I am still a mommy- and some days are just really tough. As my mommy friends Vanessa and Kelly like to say- today I was a bonefide resident of Crazytown. I don't know why being in the throws of cancer treatment would change this!
A couple of missed shout outs from the last couple of days before I head to bed! First off- thank you Russell & Colleen for visiting on Friday and bringing some good food from Whole Foods! It was good to see you guys! Monica- thank you for the awesome hats so thoughtfully made (they are super soft!), and the hydrating spray too. It was so nice to see you and catch up! Thank you to my sister Sarah for helping me set up the "Lotsa Hands" website and "herding the cats" of the amazing support I'm being offered. Not to mention to all the Wilhelms for a fun dinner & cleaning up after! A shout out to Roland and Kelly- thank you for the fantastic soft hats! The colors are great and I'm sure they will be perfect once I need them. Finally, thank you to everyone that has already signed up to help over the coming months with everything from post chemo care to doggie play time, and also to those that have donated to my sister's Avon walk. I am amazed and blessed every single day by the incredible community surrounding me. My dear family friend Michael reminded me that Buddhists see illness as a great fortune (I'm sure I'm paraphrasing poorly here) because you are reminded of the beauty of the world, and can truly experience compassion in the experience. I see my good fortune every day because of this illness, and although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I try to sit in gratefulness for that at least.
I'll close you out with a couple of pictures taken over the last week of miss Isabella and even one of me. =) See, I'm not knocking at deaths door, I promise!
though I don't have kids, I know a little bit how tough going through cancer can be. Just take it day by day and stay strong ( though I know you already know that and have no problem :P ) My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
-jenny