What a year it has been. I have walked through the fire, thoroughly forged into the person I am today. Before I get too deep into my thanksgiving post (the pinnacle of my gratitude project) I did have a daily gratitude yesterday. I was grateful for my doctor (breast surgeon) dr Leah Kelley. She was the first cancer doctor I met with after receiving my diagnosis and she is a blessing to the medical field and everyone who comes into contact with her. She is kind and funny and comforting and supportive and smart. So many adjectives and I still wouldn't do her justice. She makes me know that everything will be okay.
Thanksgiving. The day we take every year to gorge ourselves on food, while watching parades and football on tv. At the very least, these activities happen in the embrace of our friends and family. Hopefully this is the day we take to remember how blessed we are. To reflect on the many things in our lives to be thankful for. Although admittedly the food and tv is still a part of my day, I am marinating in a wonderful cocktail of the many, many blessings in my life right now, and over this past year.
This year has been hard. I've faced one of the scariest things someone can face in their life. I've been stripped down, left raw in my being, wondering if there is a tomorrow to worry about.
At the same time that I walked through the fire, I had my life and community illuminated in its brilliance. Very few people get to experience the depth of love and support of their community. I was lucky enough to experience this. From gifts, to help, to cleaning, to cooking, to walking my dogs, to thoughts and prayers. I have been beyond blessed this year. This is all in addition to my adorable, sweet daughter, my wonderful husband, my friends and my family, being the wonderful people they are.
I have a wonderful life. As hard as this year has been, it has been a gift. I am grateful for my life.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Relief
I have had a migraine for the last three days. Gratefully it hasn't been the debilitating sort of migraine for most of that time, but still, it has been constant. I've taken every pill I could think of and had around the house, tried hot and cold, sleep, dark, water, and food. Although some things helped, nothing took it away. Today I went in for a massage in an effort to try another tactic. I enjoyed an excellent massage that left me feeling like jello, and it worked! The headache returned after about an hour, but then it went away again. I was starting to worry that I would have to take myself to urgent care tomorrow just for a stupid prescription for migraine medication (since I still do not have a primary care physician and my cancer doctors don't have expertise in migraine meds). This experience made my gratitude for today easy!
Today, I am grateful for massages. =)
Today, I am grateful for massages. =)
Monday, November 21, 2011
Busy Bee
I've been a little behind on my posting! I knew it had been a couple of days, but didn't realize it had been four days! Yikes! I've been busy, playing with my family at the Discovery Museum, dress shopping in the city for my birthday dress and Bella's Christmas dress (success! thank you Lorraine!!!), and just generally keeping busy. On top of all of this, Bella has been teething like crazy and as a result not sleeping well at all. Poor girl has been waking up every hour or two at night crying inconsolably. Unfortunately that means I have not been sleeping either. This finally caught up with me last night when I was hit with a migraine. Gratefully my mom let me sleep this morning which helped quite a bit. The headache still isn't totally gone, but tomorrow I will go back to my clinic for an appointment, so if I need something stronger I'm sure they can help me. Speaking of being grateful, my missed gratitudes! =)
Friday I was grateful for delicious, fresh, and local food! Nick and I had an impromptu dinner at The Girl and The Fig in Sonoma. We had been in the area to pick up some wine from a wine sale and Nick's mom had offered to watch Bella so we could have dinner while we were out. It was early so even without reservations (on a Friday night no less) we ate at this well known and fantastic restaurant. The food was so delicious, and much of the produce comes from their garden in the back of the restaurant, and local farms. I had a cheese course to start and realized I'm a bit of a local cheese snob! Several of the items on their menu are cheeses that I can get easily at any of our local grocery stores. Lucky us. I was grateful for the amazing food that is available to us locally, both in restaurants and to buy at markets year round.
Saturday I was grateful for resources. We aren't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, but we are able to live a comfortable life. We have a nice house in a nice neighborhood, good food in our fridge and cupboards, and the option to do fun things. I was able to decide to join the Discovery Museum on Saturday when I saw that it was a really fun way to entertain kids. As a stay at home mom, it is helpful to have regular activities. We already belong to the SF Zoo, but it is nice to have an option on this side of the bridge. I feel very lucky that I have options like this.
Sunday I was grateful for how easy it is to take Isabella out in public. She is such a well behaved toddler. Bella, Lorraine and I went shopping for several hours. Bella hadn't had a nap and didn't melt down at all. She sat through lunch at the Neiman Marcus Rotunda, only getting a little squirmy at the end (and considering she was in a booster and not a high chair, this was particularly impressive). She happily played while we shopped, telling us what was "pretty" throughout. I feel very lucky to have such a happy girl who thrives on stimulating environments.
Today I am grateful for Nick. He is at the tail end of planning my birthday/ cancer free party and hitting the slightly stressful point of it all. It has become very clear how much pride he is taking in planning this event. This is all after the last, well honestly two years, of supporting me through pregnancy, breastfeeding, new mommy crazy, and finally breast cancer. He hasn't had a full partner for a long time, and yet he is taking extra time and energy from his life to show me how much I am loved. I am a lucky person to call him my friend, my family, my husband.
Friday I was grateful for delicious, fresh, and local food! Nick and I had an impromptu dinner at The Girl and The Fig in Sonoma. We had been in the area to pick up some wine from a wine sale and Nick's mom had offered to watch Bella so we could have dinner while we were out. It was early so even without reservations (on a Friday night no less) we ate at this well known and fantastic restaurant. The food was so delicious, and much of the produce comes from their garden in the back of the restaurant, and local farms. I had a cheese course to start and realized I'm a bit of a local cheese snob! Several of the items on their menu are cheeses that I can get easily at any of our local grocery stores. Lucky us. I was grateful for the amazing food that is available to us locally, both in restaurants and to buy at markets year round.
Saturday I was grateful for resources. We aren't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination, but we are able to live a comfortable life. We have a nice house in a nice neighborhood, good food in our fridge and cupboards, and the option to do fun things. I was able to decide to join the Discovery Museum on Saturday when I saw that it was a really fun way to entertain kids. As a stay at home mom, it is helpful to have regular activities. We already belong to the SF Zoo, but it is nice to have an option on this side of the bridge. I feel very lucky that I have options like this.
Sunday I was grateful for how easy it is to take Isabella out in public. She is such a well behaved toddler. Bella, Lorraine and I went shopping for several hours. Bella hadn't had a nap and didn't melt down at all. She sat through lunch at the Neiman Marcus Rotunda, only getting a little squirmy at the end (and considering she was in a booster and not a high chair, this was particularly impressive). She happily played while we shopped, telling us what was "pretty" throughout. I feel very lucky to have such a happy girl who thrives on stimulating environments.
Today I am grateful for Nick. He is at the tail end of planning my birthday/ cancer free party and hitting the slightly stressful point of it all. It has become very clear how much pride he is taking in planning this event. This is all after the last, well honestly two years, of supporting me through pregnancy, breastfeeding, new mommy crazy, and finally breast cancer. He hasn't had a full partner for a long time, and yet he is taking extra time and energy from his life to show me how much I am loved. I am a lucky person to call him my friend, my family, my husband.
Sharing Stories
Earlier today I received an email from another young cancer survivor, Heather Von St James. She was diagnosed with mesothelioma (cancer of the lung lining- aka the asbestos cancer) when she was 36 years old, and her daughter was 3 1/2 months old. She is now six years out from her battle. She is sharing her story in an effort to raise awareness and support for young parents diagnosed with cancer. You can read her story here. I hope you will share her story, as well as my own and the others I have shared on this blog with anyone else you know dealing with this horrible disease. It is a comfort to know you are not alone.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Re-Acclimating
A full week down of no cancer treatments. It's been pretty great. I've jumped straight into being a full time mommy again. It has been wonderful (albeit exhausting). Bella is the most wonderful little person and I am so blessed to watch her develop every day. I took a few hours to spend time with my girlfriend Angela and her wonderful new baby girl, which reminded me even more how much I love being a mommy. I had a girls dinner with two of my closest girlfriends and our moms. Most importantly, I've spent time just being, and enjoying discovering what life is going to look like on the other side of the big C.
Tuesday, I was grateful for the freedom to just be. I keep trying to do all the time, to "catch up" with things that have fallen by the wayside over the last many months. Tuesday was a day of changing my mind to accommodate how I was feeling in the moment. And that felt very luxurious.
Wednesday I was grateful to be a mommy. As much as I am grateful to be Isabella's mommy, spending time with my friends three week old baby girl showed me how deeply my momminess has filled into my being. I appreciate the sweetness, and amazing possibilities of babies and children now on such a profound level. I can hold a crying baby and not think "oh my gosh, what am I doing wrong? How do I stop/fix/help this?" I can sit in the moment and know that sometimes babies cry, and just need to be held a little bit longer, or cuddled a little bit more securely. That's pretty awesome. And I do mean full of awe. =)
Today I am grateful for girlfriends. I had a good chunk of my young adult life where girlfriends were hard to come by. I struggled as my high school friends and I grew apart and I had yet to connect with new friends in my adult life. Today I reflected on the many close girlfriends I have in my life, both old and new, who I get to share my life with. As we start families and get married and work in the theatre, we get to support each other the way only girlfriends can, share in each others successes, and lift each other out of the dark. Even luckier, I get to count the women in my family as girlfriends too. Totally blessed.
Tuesday, I was grateful for the freedom to just be. I keep trying to do all the time, to "catch up" with things that have fallen by the wayside over the last many months. Tuesday was a day of changing my mind to accommodate how I was feeling in the moment. And that felt very luxurious.
Wednesday I was grateful to be a mommy. As much as I am grateful to be Isabella's mommy, spending time with my friends three week old baby girl showed me how deeply my momminess has filled into my being. I appreciate the sweetness, and amazing possibilities of babies and children now on such a profound level. I can hold a crying baby and not think "oh my gosh, what am I doing wrong? How do I stop/fix/help this?" I can sit in the moment and know that sometimes babies cry, and just need to be held a little bit longer, or cuddled a little bit more securely. That's pretty awesome. And I do mean full of awe. =)
Today I am grateful for girlfriends. I had a good chunk of my young adult life where girlfriends were hard to come by. I struggled as my high school friends and I grew apart and I had yet to connect with new friends in my adult life. Today I reflected on the many close girlfriends I have in my life, both old and new, who I get to share my life with. As we start families and get married and work in the theatre, we get to support each other the way only girlfriends can, share in each others successes, and lift each other out of the dark. Even luckier, I get to count the women in my family as girlfriends too. Totally blessed.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Holiday Season
I love this time of year. Christmas is going up everywhere and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Most everyone I know, with only a couple of exceptions (love you Lindsay!), complains about how it isn't even Thanksgiving and stores are putting Christmas up just so they can sell more crap. I know this is true but right now is when I most thoroughly feel the holiday spirit. There is no Christmas stress yet (buying gifts, figuring out what needs to happen for the holiday events, etc) but the sparkle is everywhere.
I love Christmas music, and decorations, and lights, and smells, and even the horribly wonderful made-for-tv Christmas movies (like Santa Baby, and Holiday in Handcuffs and The Christmas Wish- NPH!!!). These things all make me happy. I feel more generous, happier, more thoughtful, and grateful for my blessings. The colors, sights, sounds, smells and crispness to the air all put an extra spring in my step. I truly can't wait until Isabella can truly understand the holiday season and join me in all the fun.
Today, I am grateful for the sweetness of the holiday season.
I love Christmas music, and decorations, and lights, and smells, and even the horribly wonderful made-for-tv Christmas movies (like Santa Baby, and Holiday in Handcuffs and The Christmas Wish- NPH!!!). These things all make me happy. I feel more generous, happier, more thoughtful, and grateful for my blessings. The colors, sights, sounds, smells and crispness to the air all put an extra spring in my step. I truly can't wait until Isabella can truly understand the holiday season and join me in all the fun.
Today, I am grateful for the sweetness of the holiday season.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Blessings
I am so blessed. I say it over and over but the brilliant part is that I keep being reminded of this fact. I have really been enjoying my first three days as a "free" woman. I've done such crazy things as vacuuming, going to dinner at my sisters, helping throw a baby shower, and going to the beach with my family! I know- you are all jealous at the exciting life I lead. =) Honestly though, to be able to do these things without requiring a three shot espresso drink to make it through, it is exciting.
Today was a wonderful day. I woke up to my sweet girl, who slept through the night (amazing!!!) saying "up, up, up"... Usually she cries to be retrieved from her crib, so that was a sweet development. Then after we snuggled in bed and watched the mickey mouse clubhouse (no judgement- an extra half hour in bed is really so welcomed), we went out to brunch with Nick's mom Lorraine. Eggs Benedict and a nap later, it was time to get out of the house. Nick decided we should pack up the dogs and head out to the beach. It was a BEAUTIFUL day. Seriously, I don't think we could have hand picked a nicer day. Here's a photo of me and my favorite girl taking in some positive ions.
I'm not back to my full energy level, though frankly its been so long since I've been at full energy (two years- pregnant, newborn, cancer) that I don't even know what that actually feels like anymore. I have decided though that now is the time to start pushing through and do the things I've been wanting to. That means getting a workout routine incorporated into my life, finding and doing fun activities with Bella (like the zoo, discovery museum, the beach, etc), cooking, and getting my housekeeping back under control. I am totally confident that I will get there and find my stride with all of these things.
On to my gratitudes. =) I'm determined to stick with this. It really would be easier though if I was actually posting each day! C'est la vie...
Thursday, I was grateful for my freedom from cancer treatment! As much as I appreciate that the treatment has done its job and I am cancer free, I am so grateful to have my life back. Eight and a half months of various medical treatments has worn me down. But I am done!!!!
Friday I was grateful for my new vacuum. Is that sad? Anyhow I strongly disliked our old vacuum and we indulged in a new one that is really nice. I vacuumed Friday and it was so nice.
Saturday I was grateful for old friends. I have a number of people in my life that have known me as far back as elementary school. It is truly a blessing to have friends that know your history, your family and the core of who you are and have always been.
Today I am grateful for the beautiful place that we live. To get to go to the beach in November, and have absolute perfect weather- not too hot, not too cold, not too windy- is one of the many reasons they call this paradise. My daughter gets to have the sand in her toes and the ocean at her side while the sun shines down on her. How lucky are we?
Life is good.
Today was a wonderful day. I woke up to my sweet girl, who slept through the night (amazing!!!) saying "up, up, up"... Usually she cries to be retrieved from her crib, so that was a sweet development. Then after we snuggled in bed and watched the mickey mouse clubhouse (no judgement- an extra half hour in bed is really so welcomed), we went out to brunch with Nick's mom Lorraine. Eggs Benedict and a nap later, it was time to get out of the house. Nick decided we should pack up the dogs and head out to the beach. It was a BEAUTIFUL day. Seriously, I don't think we could have hand picked a nicer day. Here's a photo of me and my favorite girl taking in some positive ions.
I'm not back to my full energy level, though frankly its been so long since I've been at full energy (two years- pregnant, newborn, cancer) that I don't even know what that actually feels like anymore. I have decided though that now is the time to start pushing through and do the things I've been wanting to. That means getting a workout routine incorporated into my life, finding and doing fun activities with Bella (like the zoo, discovery museum, the beach, etc), cooking, and getting my housekeeping back under control. I am totally confident that I will get there and find my stride with all of these things.
On to my gratitudes. =) I'm determined to stick with this. It really would be easier though if I was actually posting each day! C'est la vie...
Thursday, I was grateful for my freedom from cancer treatment! As much as I appreciate that the treatment has done its job and I am cancer free, I am so grateful to have my life back. Eight and a half months of various medical treatments has worn me down. But I am done!!!!
Friday I was grateful for my new vacuum. Is that sad? Anyhow I strongly disliked our old vacuum and we indulged in a new one that is really nice. I vacuumed Friday and it was so nice.
Saturday I was grateful for old friends. I have a number of people in my life that have known me as far back as elementary school. It is truly a blessing to have friends that know your history, your family and the core of who you are and have always been.
Today I am grateful for the beautiful place that we live. To get to go to the beach in November, and have absolute perfect weather- not too hot, not too cold, not too windy- is one of the many reasons they call this paradise. My daughter gets to have the sand in her toes and the ocean at her side while the sun shines down on her. How lucky are we?
Life is good.
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