relationships

Today I am struggling with relationships and cancer.  Try as I may, this disease has affected me enormously and my relationships can't escape unscathed either.  One change (albeit temporary) is that I have had to close in a little, become a little bit self-absorbed.  Between being physically knocked out, and simply coping with what is on my plate, I've been forced to make myself the priority in my life.  It sounds a little silly when I put it that way.  After all- shouldn't we all make ourselves our own priorities?  I suppose that is true, but it feels unnatural to me.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in taking care of myself, but usually feel like someone else's needs trump my own.  Not hugely to my own detriment, but it is not uncommon that I feel I come second (or third or fourth... etc).

Anyhow as I've closed in on my world, my relationships have been affected.  In some cases it has actually been beneficial, allowing me to let someone in where before I would have been self-sufficient.  This has in turn allowed these relationships to become larger and deeper.

In other cases, the relationships have suffered.  I'm unable to show up in the ways that I'm accustomed.  I don't have the time or energy to nurture the relationship, to give the effort to ensure the other person feels loved and supported by me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that anyone blames me, or even expects more from me.  Regardless of that, relationships suffer.  Not to put Nick in the hot seat, but as a good example, I just simply cannot be a partner to him right now.  I'm barely able to care for myself (sometimes not even that), and caring for our daughter falls next in line, so by the time his needs come up, chances are, I'm spent.  He's a trooper of course and an amazing husband, so although there may be some temporary damage happening at the moment, I know that ultimately we will get through it.

It is really hard to know all of this though.  To sit idly by as relationships suffer causes me so much distress.  I know I should just "get over it" but that isn't something I do easily.  I just train my focus elsewhere, whenever I can, and deal with circumstances as I am able.  It just saddens me to no end as I see some of my relationships slip through my fingers.  The amount of work it feels like it will take to repair them seems insanely daunting from this point in time.  Who knows, maybe I'll get through this crazy time and it will feel like no time or space has gone by at all.  I can only hope!