Onward and Upward

January was a tough month for me.  I think my posts made that pretty clear.  I've been struggling quite a bit since I finished treatment and barrelled through the holidays.  January hit and I hit a wall.  The dip that all my doctors warned me about definitely hit.  I don't expect that I am done with the doldrums of cancer survivorship, but at least this one seems to have passed. 

I've worked on spending quality time with my growing toddler (who is making her opinions known loud and clear these days).  A large part of that includes getting the two of us outside and active more regularly.  I'm working on more walks, visits to the Bay Area Discovery Museum, trips to the park, walks on Mt Tam, visits to the beach- anything that keeps us entertained and moving.  I also auditioned for the annual Mountain Play production (this year will be The Music Man) and was cast as one of the town gossip Pick-a-Little ladies.  The purpose of this is multi-fold.  I am doing something that is just for me, I am getting back into my favorite hobby, I am working with the director on his last show on the mountain (an important milestone), and it keeps me outdoors and active!  I am hoping that the show will help make me a better mommy, friend, wife, and person. 

I am also looking at finding some part time work over the course of the next year.  I will be considered able to return to work after February 23rd.  This is only about one month prior to the show starting so I'm not sure that I will try to dive back in at that point.  Rehearsal is five to six days a week (three to four evenings and two weekend days), so adding even two days of a job feels like too much time away from Bella.  But I have sorted out our finances and we can manage until Nick's next raise, at which point I believe we won't need me to work.  My goal is to find something two days a week that truly makes me happy.  I want to work to make a difference in the world, or community, or something.  Even if it is on a small scale.  It could be any number of ways, not necessarily education or non-profit or advocacy, but something that is fulfilling and joyful.  Something that adds to my life and my spirit, thereby giving me energy and focus to be a good happy parent and wife and all of the other roles in my life.  I am excited to see what manifests.

I continue exploring what it means to be a "survivor".  The whole Susan G Komen controversy put quite a bit of this in light for me.  I won't bore you with that here, and will instead make another post to discuss some of these things.  What I will say is that I continue to grow and discover my survivorship.  It is definitely not all it is cracked up to be.  There is some interesting weight that comes along with it, even beyond the anxiety and fear that the cancer itself has created.  There is the expectation, whether from myself or others (often both), that cancer has given me perspective to things in life.  You know the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff"?  As a survivor it is almost as if people expect you to be above that.  The truth is that I am still me, and the things that mattered to me before, matter to me now, even if they are insignificant.  I'm not magically this wise sage with amazing life perspective just because I've had my body destroyed by chemicals, removed a body part surgically, and submitted myself to small, daily doses of radiation poisoning, all in the name of saving my life.  I am still frustrated by a toddler who asserts her independence (often by screaming at me) several times a day, or upset by the stupid arguments Nick and I get in (as every married couple does)... Anyhow that has been one of the more challenging pieces of settling into my survivorship.

Yesterday I took Bella out for a day of discovery.  I was aiming for Muir Woods, but discovered that I didn't actually know where I was going, and overshot, landing at Stinson Beach.  It was such an unbelievably gorgeous day at the beach (despite being a little overcast at home, just over the mountain) and I was so very happy to be there with the sun on my shoulders and the sand in my toes.  Bella enjoyed it too, especially since I let her put her feet in the ocean.  Here are a couple of pictures from our amazing winter day at the beach!

I know, I know...

I haven't been writing.  I know.  I truthfully haven't had a whole lot to say.  Or maybe I feel like it's all the same and just don't feel like seeing it in black and white yet again.  Mostly I'm just trying to get "back to normal"- whatever that means.  I've been doing a lot of housecleaning, trying to manage some of the projects I've avoided over the last year.  I've been spending a lot of time with Bella, rediscovering our relationship and discovering life with a toddler (yikes!).  I've been sick- twice!- boo to that.  And just generally trying to get my feet back under me.

Last year really affected me in so many profound ways that I haven't even fully grasped yet.  I'm hoping that this year will bring the year of Karey in all the best possible ways.

Seeing the sadness

I keep trying to break out of it, but I just keep seeing the sadness around me.  Sick children, babies leaving this earth too soon, young women facing metastasized cancer, lost jobs, injury, illness- you name it.  Those things have always been here, and will always be here, so why is it that it seems to be all I can see right now?

I guess that isn't entirely fair.  I put Bella to bed tonight, and after she finally gave up the fight and settled down in my arms, I sat, rocking my sweet baby girl, reveling in her quiet.  She had been so full of love for me today, giving me hug after hug and insisting she stay in my arms.  It is a very rare day that she is a mommy's girl so I enjoy it thoroughly.

Bella is my joy.

Life just feels so overwhelming these days, and a little bit hard.  I just don't quite know how to wrap my brain around making it work.  I'm confident I'll get there but I wish it was coming just a little bit easier.  I could really use a break right now.

cancer sucks

I have been spending quite a bit of time on my "cancer boards" lately.  Message boards and groups that are for cancer patients/survivors.  I go back and forth between wanting to engage in these boards because they help me feel like I am not alone in this strange space, and avoiding them because I know that the more engaged in something I am, the more fixated I become.

Yesterday I had a wonderful moment of realizing I am in fact a part of a community when a young woman survivor posted about feeling upset and frustrated by the "awareness games" that have been going around facebook.  I'm sure you've seen them, the ones where women put provocative things in their status like "I like it on the counter"- referring to where they put their purse, or "3 months and skittles" making it sound like they are pregnant and craving something, but actually telling you what their birthday is in code.

I've been sent a few of these, all claiming to be a way to promote breast cancer awareness.  I've chosen to just ignore them despite feeling somewhat offended by the idea.  I didn't want to be a party pooper, since I've been known to be a little uptight through the years.  When I saw another survivor (and then as a result many survivors) say how upset she was by one of these things, I realized that it isn't me being uptight.  My perspective has changed.

As a result of moments like these where I feel the benefit of my new found sisterhood, I've increased my time spent with these women online.  Unfortunately it also means that I'm reading more stories about women who have recurrence, metastasized disease, and even lost friends from the sisterhood.  These stories not only break my heart, but also bring my anxiety and fear closer to the surface.

Meanwhile an old friend from high school is suffering through this cancer hell too.  Her sweet 4 year old son was diagnosed with Leukemia on New Years Eve.  He has already started chemo at UCSF and they are just trying to figure out how to make it work.  My heart breaks for them.  For more information, and to help Collin, please go here.  Once you see this little man's angel face, you will want to help him through this.

Anyhow, tonight I'm just feeling the yuckiness of it all.  Cancer sucks.  Seriously.  It is a horrible disease and takes entirely too much life.  Even when it doesn't kill you, it takes some of your life through its nasty treatments, anxiety and fear production, and emotional repercussions.  I only hope as I get farther out from this experience that I can come back to appreciating my lessons learned and get over the anger I feel towards this horrible disease.

Cancer's Shadow

The last couple of days have been difficult for me.  They have actually been lovely days with fun activities, but the inner-turmoil seems to be creeping back in.  At first I thought it was just holiday hangover.  You know, that exhausted, overwhelmed feeling that can sometimes happen when the festivities are over and all that's left are the messes to clean up, and the needed detox of your house and body from holiday indulgences?  After getting some more sleep and getting some real food back in my house, I realized it is more than that.

I am done with treatment.  It is wonderful and amazing.  Unfortunately, cancer left a dark shadow in my life.  I feel this overwhelming and desperate need to "make the most" of every opportunity, every day, every moment that I have because what if I don't have as much time as I always thought I would have?  Most people would hear that and think "isn't it a good thing to want to make the most of your life?"  Yes, in theory it is, but the reality is when it comes out of fear and desperation, it actually sucks the life out of those moments.

My high school drama teacher always told us that every decision is made out of fear or love.  Whenever possible, try to make your decisions out of love.  It really does make life better.  Cancer has created in me so much fear that too many of my decisions are guided by it now.  This also means that when I don't do something that I "should" (like changing my diet or exercising or watching less tv etc etc etc) then I feel guilty because I am fearful that my inability to make that change will negatively affect me.  It is a vicious cycle really.

So as I learn to live in cancer's shadow I have to spend some time in the dark.  I imagine, as with most shadows, as I get further away from the source, the shadow will get lighter and ultimately disappear.  I hope that is the case anyway, because as I have Bella's sunshine poured on me every day I am less and less interested in exploring the dark corners of the world.  Life is too good to be wasted in fear.  I want to make my choices out of love.

Cancer Humor

I can really relate to this.  Sad? =)

Looking Forward

Happy New Year!

Well, 2011 was quite a year, wasn't it?  A friend of mine pointed out on facebook how much hate there was for this past year, but she enjoyed the birth of her daughter so how could it be bad?  This was a good reminder for me since I remember feeling the same way last new years eve.  2011 was a good year.  I had many friends have their first (and second) babies, there were some weddings, moves, graduations and other joys.  Nick, Isabella and I all celebrated big birthdays this year with unparalleled parties.  And although I was diagnosed with cancer, I beat cancer this year.

Although I can't say I am sad to see it go, 2011 was a year of blessings in disguise for me.  I spent more time with friends and family due to my battle than I ever get to.  I was gifted time and time again with love, prayers, thoughts, trinkets, time and support.  I got to experience the depth of my amazing community of family and friends.  And despite the fact that I was "down" through much of it, I was blessed with a year at home with my sweet girl, that I might likely not have gotten otherwise.

With all of that said, I welcome 2012 with open arms.  I see many wonderful things for this coming year.  I hope to get up on the stage and do some performing this year.  I think I will seek out part time work to help ease the financial burden of our household while reclaiming a little bit of Karey the professional.  Isabella will turn 2 this year which has already started to bring mobility, independence and communication.  I could never have guessed what 2011 was going to bring, so lesson learned, I will not even begin to try for 2012.  I will simply trust that it will be an amazing year.

Happy new year everyone.  I hope that you wish 2011 farewell with peace in your heart, and welcome 2012 with open arms.