cancer sucks

I have been spending quite a bit of time on my "cancer boards" lately.  Message boards and groups that are for cancer patients/survivors.  I go back and forth between wanting to engage in these boards because they help me feel like I am not alone in this strange space, and avoiding them because I know that the more engaged in something I am, the more fixated I become.

Yesterday I had a wonderful moment of realizing I am in fact a part of a community when a young woman survivor posted about feeling upset and frustrated by the "awareness games" that have been going around facebook.  I'm sure you've seen them, the ones where women put provocative things in their status like "I like it on the counter"- referring to where they put their purse, or "3 months and skittles" making it sound like they are pregnant and craving something, but actually telling you what their birthday is in code.

I've been sent a few of these, all claiming to be a way to promote breast cancer awareness.  I've chosen to just ignore them despite feeling somewhat offended by the idea.  I didn't want to be a party pooper, since I've been known to be a little uptight through the years.  When I saw another survivor (and then as a result many survivors) say how upset she was by one of these things, I realized that it isn't me being uptight.  My perspective has changed.

As a result of moments like these where I feel the benefit of my new found sisterhood, I've increased my time spent with these women online.  Unfortunately it also means that I'm reading more stories about women who have recurrence, metastasized disease, and even lost friends from the sisterhood.  These stories not only break my heart, but also bring my anxiety and fear closer to the surface.

Meanwhile an old friend from high school is suffering through this cancer hell too.  Her sweet 4 year old son was diagnosed with Leukemia on New Years Eve.  He has already started chemo at UCSF and they are just trying to figure out how to make it work.  My heart breaks for them.  For more information, and to help Collin, please go here.  Once you see this little man's angel face, you will want to help him through this.

Anyhow, tonight I'm just feeling the yuckiness of it all.  Cancer sucks.  Seriously.  It is a horrible disease and takes entirely too much life.  Even when it doesn't kill you, it takes some of your life through its nasty treatments, anxiety and fear production, and emotional repercussions.  I only hope as I get farther out from this experience that I can come back to appreciating my lessons learned and get over the anger I feel towards this horrible disease.