Cancer's Shadow

The last couple of days have been difficult for me.  They have actually been lovely days with fun activities, but the inner-turmoil seems to be creeping back in.  At first I thought it was just holiday hangover.  You know, that exhausted, overwhelmed feeling that can sometimes happen when the festivities are over and all that's left are the messes to clean up, and the needed detox of your house and body from holiday indulgences?  After getting some more sleep and getting some real food back in my house, I realized it is more than that.

I am done with treatment.  It is wonderful and amazing.  Unfortunately, cancer left a dark shadow in my life.  I feel this overwhelming and desperate need to "make the most" of every opportunity, every day, every moment that I have because what if I don't have as much time as I always thought I would have?  Most people would hear that and think "isn't it a good thing to want to make the most of your life?"  Yes, in theory it is, but the reality is when it comes out of fear and desperation, it actually sucks the life out of those moments.

My high school drama teacher always told us that every decision is made out of fear or love.  Whenever possible, try to make your decisions out of love.  It really does make life better.  Cancer has created in me so much fear that too many of my decisions are guided by it now.  This also means that when I don't do something that I "should" (like changing my diet or exercising or watching less tv etc etc etc) then I feel guilty because I am fearful that my inability to make that change will negatively affect me.  It is a vicious cycle really.

So as I learn to live in cancer's shadow I have to spend some time in the dark.  I imagine, as with most shadows, as I get further away from the source, the shadow will get lighter and ultimately disappear.  I hope that is the case anyway, because as I have Bella's sunshine poured on me every day I am less and less interested in exploring the dark corners of the world.  Life is too good to be wasted in fear.  I want to make my choices out of love.