Enough

I had an interesting conversation with my dad the other day.  He watched my kids for a couple of hours so that I could go and meet a girlfriend for a grown up lunch.  When I returned we were talking about the reason behind the lunch and I shared that I have really been struggling lately.  He wanted me to elaborate so I did.  I mentioned that some of my insecurities have been coming up lately.  He sort of laughed made a comment (forgive me I can't remember) but I asked if he was being facetious because he was indicating that he didn't seem to think I had any real insecurities.  I elaborated for him though it struck me that this person who has spent a fair amount of time with me over the last three years (clearly my whole life, but I would say that our relationship has become more consistent and open since I had Bella) was completely unaware of how dark and twisty my internal processors are.

I consider myself fairly open.  I don't always share everything in person.  To be fair, in person I don't share much.  If asked a question, I will usually answer honestly, but I tend to keep to myself.  This is not out of pride (usually) or even a desire for privacy, but actually further proof of how totally insecure I am.  As I explained to my dad what exactly my insecurities are, I tried to explain how the theme is essentially that I don't feel like I am enough.  Let me elaborate for you.

I don't feel that I am a good enough friend.  I am mostly terrible at keeping secrets mostly because I don't deem most things worth secrecy.  I have exceptionally high expectations and standards and am easily disappointed.  Once my trust is broken, it takes a great deal to earn it back.  I don't consider myself terribly fun, often a nay-sayer and frequently negative (ahem, realistic). 

I don't think I am a good enough wife.  I'm insecure about my body.  I don't keep the house clean.  I often fall prey to "fixing" problems when an ear is the only thing desired (see, good enough friend as this applies there too).  I don't work very hard to look good (clothes, make-up, etc).  I tend to be lazy and overwhelmed leaving me prey to ordering take-out, having a messy house, and looking for the path of least resistance.

I don't think I am a good enough mom.  I get frustrated easily.  I don't have a lot of energy to run around and play.  I get overwhelmed easily (see wife) and fall prey to yelling, and avoiding activities that have the potential for messiness or complications.  I lean towards attachment parenting but not fully leaving me somewhere in the middle and not entirely anything.

I realize that many of these statements could be argued.  This is merely an insight to my thought process.  The list goes on and on.  Not enough feminist, not enough daughter, not enough sister, not enough performer, not enough cancer survivor, yada yada yada...

And then, while I'm trying to be enough I get spread so thin that then I am even less to everyone.  It has been an interesting process trying to explain my issues to someone who I thought knew how damaged I actually am.  If only we all could be clear about who we are and also what we think about each other.  Maybe some of those dark corners would have some light shed on them.