I keep trying to break out of it, but I just keep seeing the sadness around me. Sick children, babies leaving this earth too soon, young women facing metastasized cancer, lost jobs, injury, illness- you name it. Those things have always been here, and will always be here, so why is it that it seems to be all I can see right now?
I guess that isn't entirely fair. I put Bella to bed tonight, and after she finally gave up the fight and settled down in my arms, I sat, rocking my sweet baby girl, reveling in her quiet. She had been so full of love for me today, giving me hug after hug and insisting she stay in my arms. It is a very rare day that she is a mommy's girl so I enjoy it thoroughly.
Bella is my joy.
Life just feels so overwhelming these days, and a little bit hard. I just don't quite know how to wrap my brain around making it work. I'm confident I'll get there but I wish it was coming just a little bit easier. I could really use a break right now.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
cancer sucks
I have been spending quite a bit of time on my "cancer boards" lately. Message boards and groups that are for cancer patients/survivors. I go back and forth between wanting to engage in these boards because they help me feel like I am not alone in this strange space, and avoiding them because I know that the more engaged in something I am, the more fixated I become.
Yesterday I had a wonderful moment of realizing I am in fact a part of a community when a young woman survivor posted about feeling upset and frustrated by the "awareness games" that have been going around facebook. I'm sure you've seen them, the ones where women put provocative things in their status like "I like it on the counter"- referring to where they put their purse, or "3 months and skittles" making it sound like they are pregnant and craving something, but actually telling you what their birthday is in code.
I've been sent a few of these, all claiming to be a way to promote breast cancer awareness. I've chosen to just ignore them despite feeling somewhat offended by the idea. I didn't want to be a party pooper, since I've been known to be a little uptight through the years. When I saw another survivor (and then as a result many survivors) say how upset she was by one of these things, I realized that it isn't me being uptight. My perspective has changed.
As a result of moments like these where I feel the benefit of my new found sisterhood, I've increased my time spent with these women online. Unfortunately it also means that I'm reading more stories about women who have recurrence, metastasized disease, and even lost friends from the sisterhood. These stories not only break my heart, but also bring my anxiety and fear closer to the surface.
Meanwhile an old friend from high school is suffering through this cancer hell too. Her sweet 4 year old son was diagnosed with Leukemia on New Years Eve. He has already started chemo at UCSF and they are just trying to figure out how to make it work. My heart breaks for them. For more information, and to help Collin, please go here. Once you see this little man's angel face, you will want to help him through this.
Anyhow, tonight I'm just feeling the yuckiness of it all. Cancer sucks. Seriously. It is a horrible disease and takes entirely too much life. Even when it doesn't kill you, it takes some of your life through its nasty treatments, anxiety and fear production, and emotional repercussions. I only hope as I get farther out from this experience that I can come back to appreciating my lessons learned and get over the anger I feel towards this horrible disease.
Yesterday I had a wonderful moment of realizing I am in fact a part of a community when a young woman survivor posted about feeling upset and frustrated by the "awareness games" that have been going around facebook. I'm sure you've seen them, the ones where women put provocative things in their status like "I like it on the counter"- referring to where they put their purse, or "3 months and skittles" making it sound like they are pregnant and craving something, but actually telling you what their birthday is in code.
I've been sent a few of these, all claiming to be a way to promote breast cancer awareness. I've chosen to just ignore them despite feeling somewhat offended by the idea. I didn't want to be a party pooper, since I've been known to be a little uptight through the years. When I saw another survivor (and then as a result many survivors) say how upset she was by one of these things, I realized that it isn't me being uptight. My perspective has changed.
As a result of moments like these where I feel the benefit of my new found sisterhood, I've increased my time spent with these women online. Unfortunately it also means that I'm reading more stories about women who have recurrence, metastasized disease, and even lost friends from the sisterhood. These stories not only break my heart, but also bring my anxiety and fear closer to the surface.
Meanwhile an old friend from high school is suffering through this cancer hell too. Her sweet 4 year old son was diagnosed with Leukemia on New Years Eve. He has already started chemo at UCSF and they are just trying to figure out how to make it work. My heart breaks for them. For more information, and to help Collin, please go here. Once you see this little man's angel face, you will want to help him through this.
Anyhow, tonight I'm just feeling the yuckiness of it all. Cancer sucks. Seriously. It is a horrible disease and takes entirely too much life. Even when it doesn't kill you, it takes some of your life through its nasty treatments, anxiety and fear production, and emotional repercussions. I only hope as I get farther out from this experience that I can come back to appreciating my lessons learned and get over the anger I feel towards this horrible disease.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Cancer's Shadow
The last couple of days have been difficult for me. They have actually been lovely days with fun activities, but the inner-turmoil seems to be creeping back in. At first I thought it was just holiday hangover. You know, that exhausted, overwhelmed feeling that can sometimes happen when the festivities are over and all that's left are the messes to clean up, and the needed detox of your house and body from holiday indulgences? After getting some more sleep and getting some real food back in my house, I realized it is more than that.
I am done with treatment. It is wonderful and amazing. Unfortunately, cancer left a dark shadow in my life. I feel this overwhelming and desperate need to "make the most" of every opportunity, every day, every moment that I have because what if I don't have as much time as I always thought I would have? Most people would hear that and think "isn't it a good thing to want to make the most of your life?" Yes, in theory it is, but the reality is when it comes out of fear and desperation, it actually sucks the life out of those moments.
My high school drama teacher always told us that every decision is made out of fear or love. Whenever possible, try to make your decisions out of love. It really does make life better. Cancer has created in me so much fear that too many of my decisions are guided by it now. This also means that when I don't do something that I "should" (like changing my diet or exercising or watching less tv etc etc etc) then I feel guilty because I am fearful that my inability to make that change will negatively affect me. It is a vicious cycle really.
So as I learn to live in cancer's shadow I have to spend some time in the dark. I imagine, as with most shadows, as I get further away from the source, the shadow will get lighter and ultimately disappear. I hope that is the case anyway, because as I have Bella's sunshine poured on me every day I am less and less interested in exploring the dark corners of the world. Life is too good to be wasted in fear. I want to make my choices out of love.
I am done with treatment. It is wonderful and amazing. Unfortunately, cancer left a dark shadow in my life. I feel this overwhelming and desperate need to "make the most" of every opportunity, every day, every moment that I have because what if I don't have as much time as I always thought I would have? Most people would hear that and think "isn't it a good thing to want to make the most of your life?" Yes, in theory it is, but the reality is when it comes out of fear and desperation, it actually sucks the life out of those moments.
My high school drama teacher always told us that every decision is made out of fear or love. Whenever possible, try to make your decisions out of love. It really does make life better. Cancer has created in me so much fear that too many of my decisions are guided by it now. This also means that when I don't do something that I "should" (like changing my diet or exercising or watching less tv etc etc etc) then I feel guilty because I am fearful that my inability to make that change will negatively affect me. It is a vicious cycle really.
So as I learn to live in cancer's shadow I have to spend some time in the dark. I imagine, as with most shadows, as I get further away from the source, the shadow will get lighter and ultimately disappear. I hope that is the case anyway, because as I have Bella's sunshine poured on me every day I am less and less interested in exploring the dark corners of the world. Life is too good to be wasted in fear. I want to make my choices out of love.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Looking Forward
Happy New Year!
Well, 2011 was quite a year, wasn't it? A friend of mine pointed out on facebook how much hate there was for this past year, but she enjoyed the birth of her daughter so how could it be bad? This was a good reminder for me since I remember feeling the same way last new years eve. 2011 was a good year. I had many friends have their first (and second) babies, there were some weddings, moves, graduations and other joys. Nick, Isabella and I all celebrated big birthdays this year with unparalleled parties. And although I was diagnosed with cancer, I beat cancer this year.
Although I can't say I am sad to see it go, 2011 was a year of blessings in disguise for me. I spent more time with friends and family due to my battle than I ever get to. I was gifted time and time again with love, prayers, thoughts, trinkets, time and support. I got to experience the depth of my amazing community of family and friends. And despite the fact that I was "down" through much of it, I was blessed with a year at home with my sweet girl, that I might likely not have gotten otherwise.
With all of that said, I welcome 2012 with open arms. I see many wonderful things for this coming year. I hope to get up on the stage and do some performing this year. I think I will seek out part time work to help ease the financial burden of our household while reclaiming a little bit of Karey the professional. Isabella will turn 2 this year which has already started to bring mobility, independence and communication. I could never have guessed what 2011 was going to bring, so lesson learned, I will not even begin to try for 2012. I will simply trust that it will be an amazing year.
Happy new year everyone. I hope that you wish 2011 farewell with peace in your heart, and welcome 2012 with open arms.
Well, 2011 was quite a year, wasn't it? A friend of mine pointed out on facebook how much hate there was for this past year, but she enjoyed the birth of her daughter so how could it be bad? This was a good reminder for me since I remember feeling the same way last new years eve. 2011 was a good year. I had many friends have their first (and second) babies, there were some weddings, moves, graduations and other joys. Nick, Isabella and I all celebrated big birthdays this year with unparalleled parties. And although I was diagnosed with cancer, I beat cancer this year.
Although I can't say I am sad to see it go, 2011 was a year of blessings in disguise for me. I spent more time with friends and family due to my battle than I ever get to. I was gifted time and time again with love, prayers, thoughts, trinkets, time and support. I got to experience the depth of my amazing community of family and friends. And despite the fact that I was "down" through much of it, I was blessed with a year at home with my sweet girl, that I might likely not have gotten otherwise.
With all of that said, I welcome 2012 with open arms. I see many wonderful things for this coming year. I hope to get up on the stage and do some performing this year. I think I will seek out part time work to help ease the financial burden of our household while reclaiming a little bit of Karey the professional. Isabella will turn 2 this year which has already started to bring mobility, independence and communication. I could never have guessed what 2011 was going to bring, so lesson learned, I will not even begin to try for 2012. I will simply trust that it will be an amazing year.
Happy new year everyone. I hope that you wish 2011 farewell with peace in your heart, and welcome 2012 with open arms.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas to All
Today is Christmas. It is Bella's second and my first as a survivor. Although the fact is that being a survivor is an ever-present and permanent part of my existence now, it actually didn't flavor the festivities at all. This gives me an immense amount of hope that life really will be able to return to some semblance of normal.
It has been a wonderful couple of days. Christmas Eve has been the big celebration day for both.of our families growing up. What that means today is that we combine everyone for a super celebration. We host the huge dinner party at our house. This year there were 33 of us in total. The traditions include a crab cioppino dinner with cold crab and prawns, bacala, Caesar salad and garlic bread, and a rousing game of ornament exchange. It is all so much fun.
Today we woke up late (thank you Bella!), opened our gifts and stockings, went to Nick's mom's house for brunch, opened more presents, came home for a nap, enjoyed leftover crab for dinner and now a relaxing, quiet night in our pj's.
It really is a wonderful life. I am so blessed and grateful to be alive.
It has been a wonderful couple of days. Christmas Eve has been the big celebration day for both.of our families growing up. What that means today is that we combine everyone for a super celebration. We host the huge dinner party at our house. This year there were 33 of us in total. The traditions include a crab cioppino dinner with cold crab and prawns, bacala, Caesar salad and garlic bread, and a rousing game of ornament exchange. It is all so much fun.
Today we woke up late (thank you Bella!), opened our gifts and stockings, went to Nick's mom's house for brunch, opened more presents, came home for a nap, enjoyed leftover crab for dinner and now a relaxing, quiet night in our pj's.
It really is a wonderful life. I am so blessed and grateful to be alive.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Change of Plans
I posted a couple of weeks ago that I was planning on having my implant exchange surgery on December 28th. Today I had my follow up appointment with my Radiation Oncologist. She is very pleased with how I have healed and thinks everything looks great. So great that aside from seeing her before having surgery, she doesn't want to see me until March of 2013!!! Yep, over a year from now!
With that said, she shared with me that statistics indicate a significant decrease of potential risks after six months post radiation. She isn't worried about my skin- that should heal just fine. She also said my plastic surgeon is excellent (actually she raved about my cosmetic results even compared to women with their final implant in, and I only have the expander!), and that his willingness to work on me wasn't wrong per se. However, the main issue is that there is a much higher risk for tissue fibrosis internally. Essentially I want my expander replaced because it feels like a rock on my chest and I am wretchedly uncomfortable. However, if the tissue reacts because it hasn't finished its process post-radiation, then I could end up just as uncomfortable with a more permanent rock on my chest.
So after a lengthy discussion trying to weigh risk versus benefit, I have decided to trust my gut that my body isn't ready. I am still experiencing some swelling from the radiation, and had even tried to do some research to figure out why at least one of the plastic surgeons I met with told me that they wouldn't be allowed to operate on me for 6-12 months post radiation. Now that my doctor has explained to me what the risk is, and how it fits into the time frame, I trust that waiting, at least a little bit longer, is the right choice. Although I'm disappointed that I won't be done in 2011, I feel good about my decision. My doctor also shared with me that the reason I can't have an MRI with my expander (one of the reasons I wanted to have it swapped out) is that they are concerned about the magnet- not me. There is no risk of the expander ripping through my skin or some horrible other interaction. They just don't want to ruin the machine, and the reality is that it really won't do that either. We would also be doing MRIs on my remaining breast, not for the affected side. So using ultrasound and mammogram (and PET scan if necessary) is more than sufficient.
Although today's appointment changed my plans, it left me feeling much more confident about getting through my next year. Life looks a little better to me each and every day.
With that said, she shared with me that statistics indicate a significant decrease of potential risks after six months post radiation. She isn't worried about my skin- that should heal just fine. She also said my plastic surgeon is excellent (actually she raved about my cosmetic results even compared to women with their final implant in, and I only have the expander!), and that his willingness to work on me wasn't wrong per se. However, the main issue is that there is a much higher risk for tissue fibrosis internally. Essentially I want my expander replaced because it feels like a rock on my chest and I am wretchedly uncomfortable. However, if the tissue reacts because it hasn't finished its process post-radiation, then I could end up just as uncomfortable with a more permanent rock on my chest.
So after a lengthy discussion trying to weigh risk versus benefit, I have decided to trust my gut that my body isn't ready. I am still experiencing some swelling from the radiation, and had even tried to do some research to figure out why at least one of the plastic surgeons I met with told me that they wouldn't be allowed to operate on me for 6-12 months post radiation. Now that my doctor has explained to me what the risk is, and how it fits into the time frame, I trust that waiting, at least a little bit longer, is the right choice. Although I'm disappointed that I won't be done in 2011, I feel good about my decision. My doctor also shared with me that the reason I can't have an MRI with my expander (one of the reasons I wanted to have it swapped out) is that they are concerned about the magnet- not me. There is no risk of the expander ripping through my skin or some horrible other interaction. They just don't want to ruin the machine, and the reality is that it really won't do that either. We would also be doing MRIs on my remaining breast, not for the affected side. So using ultrasound and mammogram (and PET scan if necessary) is more than sufficient.
Although today's appointment changed my plans, it left me feeling much more confident about getting through my next year. Life looks a little better to me each and every day.
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