I know I'm overdue on my pregnancy update (not to mention having skipped the one prior!) and have been quite remiss on my blogging in general. I think I may have hit critical mass with this pregnancy. I'm trying very hard to keep up with my amazing two year old and give her as much quality time as possible, while also trying to get my house ready for her little brother. And boy, do we have a lot to do! Meanwhile my calendar seems to be unrelenting. I may have to start passing on social events just to accomplish the things I need to without totally losing my mind.
I've also realized how poorly timed this pregnancy is in regards to processing cancer. Although it couldn't have started at a better time (pulling me out of a funk quite quickly), as I approach the end, I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself, but feel as though I don't have the time, or capacity to do it. I'm considering calling the counselor I worked with during treatment as she at least knows my story and I wouldn't have to start over. I could certainly squeeze in a "refresher" with her in hopes that it will help clear some of the gunk that is building up. Its tough though to consider adding any appointments to my already full medical calendar when all I want to do is spend time with Isabella, and have a growing desperate need to get my house ready for baby boy. Not to mention the waning energy and physical ability to do much of anything.
As usual, my community is amazing and offers of help have certainly come in. I'm sure I will take advantage of some of these offers (a painting party may well be on the books in the near future) but in general I am so sick of not being at decent capacity for myself that I just don't want to ask, or even accept the help. I'll have no choice quite soon, but it is a disheartening place to be. Tonight I was feeling grumpy after dinner and guilty that I wasn't "doing anything"... To be fair, I had just cooked a really nice dinner (meatloaf cupcakes with mashed potato frosting, zucchini and fresh corn on the cob) and was a little tired from that. In my head I was mad at someone for judging me (myself I imagine)... In this internal moment, I thought "I should start telling people- I am doing something, I'm making a human!"... Because apparently I was being judged in that moment for not "doing anything"... Again- all in my head. I quickly realized that I was arguing with myself and no one was in fact judging me. It's tough though. To never feel like you're enough. I'd better get that one under decent control before little boy joins us, because in many regards, this is only going to get worse!
On a more positive note, I was thinking about how amazing babies (and our bodies) are. A friend of mine is due in August with her first baby (also a little boy). He has been hanging out transverse (sideways) for the majority of her pregnancy. It was looking very much like this mama was going to get stuck with a c-section. Then, just the other day, she felt him moving a ton and low and behold, he had turned into position! I couldn't help but wonder, what is it that makes babies turn the right way like that? What instinct drives us to get ready for the next big step. I've heard a number of stories like this and it just strikes me as truly miraculous. I look forward to seeing my own miracle tomorrow on the (sort of) big screen! We have a growth scan tomorrow to find out just how big our little man is! I'm admittedly nervous because he feels awfully big and active to me, but here's hoping he is right on target for a slightly above average size! Wish us luck!
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