Transformation

I have really been struggling lately.  I can feel the storm in and around me, and ultimately I do trust that it is the process of transformation.  Gratefully I have experienced some of the benefits of the transformation.  However, some old demons have also risen.  The demons I have been dealing with are insecurity in friendship.  I truly believed I had overcome these demons, but what I have realized is that they are tied up in my sense of feeling like I am seen and loved and deemed worthy and important.

Last spring my community felt solid.  I knew who my people were and where we all fit in each other's lives.  Then lives changed.  It happens.  There was no way to avoid schedules changing and no longer lining up.  What I didn't expect was the changes that happened with that.  In retrospect it seems pretty obvious that when your life takes you to new places and around new people, and no longer with the same rhythm of those you had before, that your relationships will change too.  New people will fill in, new needs will develop.

Even with all of this intellectual knowledge my insecurities have taken over.  I worry that people have compassion fatigue with me because the challenges of my life keep coming.  I worry that the new friend is more important, better, closer, etc...  I worry that I'm not as important to them as they are to me.  I worry that I don't matter.

It has been a challenging few months to say the least.  I don't see the light but I know it is there.  Blind faith.  Trust.  I have it all.  I guess now I just need a little pixie dust.