New Design

Finally had a chance to update my design here on the ole blog!  Hope you like it.  Maybe an actual blog will follow soon! =)

Enjoy!!!

Quick and Dirty

Its been forever I know.  I think all the time about what blog posts I'm going to write.  I pretty much have a constant few going on in my head.  How I might phrase some thought, or share some silly story.  But then life happens.  I don't get on the computer and frankly hate writing blogs from my phone (which is how the last few have come to you).  Simply stated- having two kids is flipping hard.  Maybe just for me.  Or people like me.  I keep thinking about how many people in this world have two, three, four, or more children.  I  just don't know how they do it.  I see my world spinning around me so insanely right now.  I just don't know how to keep it together.  Not even sort of.

As I type this, I hear Gio fussing.  He should be sleeping.  So what I had hoped would at least be a "quick and dirty" update, is now a truly quick and dirty post to say that I'm alive.  And think that I might be coming out of the muck if just a little.  I hope to be back soon.  I feel like once I get there the flood gates will burst open and you'll be reading everything from Christmas, to my second cancerversary (Feb 23), to motherhood, to marriage... So much to say and no time to say it!

Off to snuggle my sweet little boy in hopes that he goes the eff to sleep. =)

Perception

Today I am working to remember that my perception of reality is just
that- a perception. More importantly it is viewed through
exceptionally sleep deprived eyes, which is most likely skewing it
even more than normal. It's tough though when that perception leaves
you feeling pretty lonely.

I know that this time period as a parent is short lived. I know that I
will look back to when my son wanted to sleep on me with fondness and
longing to feel that again. I will wonder where the days went that my
daughter wanted nothing more than to color with me. I know with deep
certainty that these moments are fleeting.

Even with that knowledge, I struggle daily as I wonder where I've
gone. Who I am now that the title mommy has taken over my being. I
know mommy isn't all of me, but right now, in this moment, I struggle
to see any of those other parts. I can't remember how to consistently
be a loving wife. I struggle to maintain my friendships, especially
when there isn't the shared mommy insanity. I desperately miss having
music and the stage in my life, but can't even begin to wrap my brain
around how to have it without the constant mommy guilt. From time to
time I reflect on the fact that I hold a masters degree in education
and am sure I have something to offer from this brain of mine.

Today, I show up. I put one foot in front of the other and do my very
best for now. That might mean my kids are fed and rested but in their
pjs and enjoying take out for dinner. It might mean I take them on an
adventure, apple picking, museums, nature, any of it is good. Usually
it is somewhere in between these things. Most importantly I just try
to trust that when I am ready, my brain, my music, my friends, my life
outside of mommy, will be waiting.

Run in

Today, while checking out at the grocery store, I had a cancer run in.
Sounds bad, but it wasn't I promise.

On the day I was diagnosed, as I left the exam room after hearing the
news, I was introduced to a nurse- Nancy. She was a survivor. She was
kind and encouraging. I have one of those insanely crisp memories of
looking her in the eye and having her hug me.

I kept thinking I would run into her during one of my prenatal
appointments but never did. Well it turns out she left the practice,
though occasionally fills in there. She remembered me too.

Today, standing in the checkout line at trader joes, that memory came
flooding back.

Next month it will be two years from that day. There are certain
moments from that day that I can play back in my minds eye like a
scene from a movie I've seen a thousand times. Sitting at lunch with
my mommy friends and our babies, eating Thai food and telling them
about the biopsy. Going to the bathroom to change Bella and listening
to the voicemail from my doctor. She sounded happy- surely it couldn't
be bad news I had thought. My gut told me she sounded too happy and
wouldn't be calling me so quickly with good news. Answering a second
call from my doctors office and knowing. Calling my mom and sobbing
for her to please come home and go to the doctors with me. Calling
nick and trying to sound like I wasn't worried.

I can play it back like I'm watching a movie. I see it, hear it, feel it.

And yet, here we are, nearly two years later. I'm afraid I'm still
looking over my metaphorical shoulder still, wondering if its
following me. When will it catch me again. I hope as time goes on,
that feeling goes away.

Disconnected

I'm sorry for my total lack of postings. I've missed every holiday and
event I think since Gio was born. He is such a sweet little boy. Tons
of smiles and love. Unfortunately he is still miserable a good portion
of the time. He screams a lot. I'm hitting my wall a little more
frequently. I had a mini meltdown the other day and my mom reminded me
how challenging we have it right now. You would have thought after the
breastfeeding drama with Bella, and then the whole cancer thing, and
then pregnancy before my body had even recovered, that we would have
gotten a break. But apparently not... So we still survive. :)

I'm starting to really feel disconnected from, well, everything. I
even had three mommy play dates this week (amazing!) but between Bella
wanting/needing my attention, and Gio's fussiness, it was difficult to
fully talk and connect. I really don't have the energy to do a lot of
socializing these days so its hard when it happens to not be able to
fully engage.

It's only temporary I know. Just starting to feel like by the time I
find my way back into life, my friends and I will all be in such
different places that the reconnection won't happen. Just fears-
hopefully unfounded. I promise updated pictures soon and a new blog
design too! Once I have time to get back on my laptop... So 2033? ;)

Still struggling

Wow- it's been almost a month since my last post! Two kids, Christmas
and illnesses (theirs, not mine) have certainly kept me busy.

I desperately wish I had happier things to write. I have two beautiful
children and do know how lucky I am for that. I'm here, alive on this
planet. Another miracle. Truth be told though, life in this moment is
hard.

I loved the beginning with Bella. It was hard, of course, but I
remember how sweet and snuggly it was too. As hard as it was, I wasn't
wishing the time away. At this point she was a happy, easy going baby
(for the most part). I still had to fight for the breastfeeding, but
it was a choice. I'm sure I'm blocking plenty out, but I am for sure
clear that I wasn't wishing time to go faster.

Right now, I'm wishing time away. I'm sure that in a few months life
will be so much easier. Gio won't be in so much discomfort (either
having outgrown it or because we will figure "it" out). Bella will be
used to being a big sister, and they can interact more. I will be more
comfortable leaving Gio and start doing things for me, and my
marriage, again. I'll have more space, and more perspective on what my
future can look like. I might get to stop being the milk stained, spit
up covered, unshowered mess I've become.

Some days I think being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to
me. I genuinely think my kids are the most amazing little people. I'm
still getting to know Gio, but I already love him beyond words. And
Bella, my angel. She is intense, and sweet, and strong, and smart, and
silly... The list goes on. She amazes me Every. Single. Day.

Then there are days like today. I wonder if I'm really cut out for
this. I think that maybe going back to a regular job would just be
easier. I think about what it would take. It would break my heart
every day, but would it save my sanity? Would it rebalance my
relationship with nick because there would no longer be a perceived
imbalance at home? I certainly don't stay home because it is easy.

I have no answer. Gratefully I don't need one yet since Gio is too
little for me to do anything else. I'll aim for decisions next fall
since that is when Bella needs to start preschool. Of course by then,
life will look totally different anyhow!

Sorry to be such a downer after so long between posts! I swear I have
happy posts to add. I'll need to backtrack and document the holidays.
It was Gio's first afterall! Lots of sweet moments and sweet smiles. I
just need to hold on to those moments as they come.

Grant me the SERENITY
To accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change
The things I can
And the WISDOM
To know the difference...

In my head

I'm currently writing a post in my head.  I started to type it out today and quickly realized that it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted.  So I will save it for another day.  Two kids are keeping me on my toes.  I am worn out.  Poor Gio is really suffering with his acid reflux.  We put him on meds a couple of weeks ago and it helped at first.  Then I don't know, maybe he outgrew the dose or something, but this past week has gotten so bad again.  He cries so much.  And I know he is in pain.  It breaks my heart.  But it wears me down too.  I'm definitely struggling.  Meanwhile I'm trying to make sure Bella is still getting what she needs but when you have a screaming baby, your attention is clearly going to go to that.  I'm so lucky and grateful to not be doing this alone all day every day, between my mom and Nick at home, and other friends and family when they're around too.  Even with my amazing support system, this is just hard.  I am so determined to breastfeed at the very least until six months, but hopefully until the one year marker when they recommend breast milk or formula until.  I don't want to give him formula if I can avoid it.  However, if I don't figure out how to make things easier, and soon, I don't know that I will be able to make it that far.  This is hard.  It isn't the actual nursing that is a challenge, but the constant desperate neediness going on.  If he isn't eating or sleeping, he is crying.  Okay we do get some happy times, but they feel few and far between right now.  I was handling the sleep deprivation okay, but combined with the fussy baby and strong willed toddler, I see my positive attitude slipping.  What helped fortify me during these tough times with Bella was my mommy group.  I could go there and cry or laugh or vent and know that I was in the company of people who understood and empathized.  But there is no mommy group for babies and toddlers (not like you could talk much with toddlers running around!)... Actually the mommy group I used to go to has been disbanded, which is particularly sad for me.  I could have at the very least arranged babysitting for Bella and taken Gio to get some mental support.  I'm working on some ideas to get that support again.  I need my mommies again!

Well I didn't expect this to be so long or so full of vents but I guess that is just where I'm at.  The truth is ugly sometimes.  I love my babies.  They are amazing and there is at least one moment each day with each child that makes my heart grow a little bigger, but the minutiae of day to day is tough.  And I guess right now, I'm feeling the weight of it all.