Yesterday, I clearly hit the bottom of my emotional barrel. I spent nearly three years begging my ex to "pick me, pick me" and now I'm feeling it with my kids. I don't mean that I want them to pick me over their dad. They need us both. But right now, my ego needs them to want me.
I am also my own worst critic. Aren't we all? Despite the fact that I rail against society for the "what do you DO all day?" nonsense against stay at home moms, I am the worst when it comes to that for myself. I look around my house and wonder, what am I spending my time on? I know that I waste time. I know that I "should" be doing more (you know, like the laundry that is piling up again)...
But the piece that I frequently choose to ignore, is that I am chemically depressed. There may or may not be physical/chemical components to this stemming from health concerns that haven't been addressed. What I do know is that some days it is a miracle if I can do the bare minimum. I'm talking kid to school, homework done, lunch packed, other kid fed. If the best I can do from there is put on movies and snuggle my baby, that's the best I can do. I know I do my best. And sometimes that means I can pick myself up by my bootstraps and not fall on my face. Other times I simply cannot. Yesterday and today, I could not. But where do I go from there? And does that mean I'm best for my kids?
Today was better than yesterday. By far. I only got mad once and it was because my big kid hit my little kid. Otherwise I stayed calm and steady, even in moments of frustration. Because with two kids under five who have BIG personalities, there are many, MANY moments of frustration.
All I can think is I must truly be depressed if thinking my children would be better off with anyone other than me. But that right there my friends is the crux of the problem. Wouldn't anyone be better off with anyone other than me?
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Monday, September 14, 2015
Hit the wall
Today, I feel a little like giving up.
I had a beautiful weekend. Amazing weather in a beautiful house with beautiful women. I felt blessed. Truly.
Today, real life starts again. Although I had a sweet morning with Gio, and Bella was so happy to see me after school, I still just feel inadequate. They always have fun with their dad. And I think he is moving in with his girlfriend. So now they are a happy little family unit. I feel... Replaced. They go and do the things we used to go and do. They go on little day adventures. And while I try, so hard, to give my children the "same" life we had together before, the fact is simple, it isn't the same. I don't have it in me to have the same playful adventuring spirit alone. We still go do things, but I know it just isn't the same. I guarantee they don't talk about their life with me the same way they talk about their life with him.
I just feel a little extraneous. Don't get me wrong, I'm mommy and would be missed, but I feel a little like he's gone ahead and rebuilt what we had so quickly that it feels normal and ok to the kids. Whereas its just me and them. And it isn't enough.
I'm not going to run out just to fill the hole. I know better. But I also don't have enough to give just by myself. So what do I do?
What do you do when you feel like you're children are happier with their other parent?
I know she could NEVER replace me as their mom, but it sort of feels like they wouldn't notice for awhile. I also know that I provide more of the important real life parenting pieces. I am in fact the best parent for them. But some days it is just way too much. I can't be the second choice. The disappointment. I can't hear every day that they want to go to daddy's. It is way too painful.
How did I end up here? How is it possible my own children don't choose me? I have fought so hard to be present, and kind, and happy through some of the darkest days of my life, and it still isn't enough. So today I ask, why bother?
I had a beautiful weekend. Amazing weather in a beautiful house with beautiful women. I felt blessed. Truly.
Today, real life starts again. Although I had a sweet morning with Gio, and Bella was so happy to see me after school, I still just feel inadequate. They always have fun with their dad. And I think he is moving in with his girlfriend. So now they are a happy little family unit. I feel... Replaced. They go and do the things we used to go and do. They go on little day adventures. And while I try, so hard, to give my children the "same" life we had together before, the fact is simple, it isn't the same. I don't have it in me to have the same playful adventuring spirit alone. We still go do things, but I know it just isn't the same. I guarantee they don't talk about their life with me the same way they talk about their life with him.
I just feel a little extraneous. Don't get me wrong, I'm mommy and would be missed, but I feel a little like he's gone ahead and rebuilt what we had so quickly that it feels normal and ok to the kids. Whereas its just me and them. And it isn't enough.
I'm not going to run out just to fill the hole. I know better. But I also don't have enough to give just by myself. So what do I do?
What do you do when you feel like you're children are happier with their other parent?
I know she could NEVER replace me as their mom, but it sort of feels like they wouldn't notice for awhile. I also know that I provide more of the important real life parenting pieces. I am in fact the best parent for them. But some days it is just way too much. I can't be the second choice. The disappointment. I can't hear every day that they want to go to daddy's. It is way too painful.
How did I end up here? How is it possible my own children don't choose me? I have fought so hard to be present, and kind, and happy through some of the darkest days of my life, and it still isn't enough. So today I ask, why bother?
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Other people's opinions
I try very hard to not let other people's opinions of me get me down. I am terrible at it. Today is a perfect example.
This morning I had an interview. I also had a date for tomorrow night. Both things I was excited about. I left the interview feeling totally unsure about how it went. It was short and I left with the impression that I didn't say what they wanted to hear. Or I wasn't the person they wanted to find. It shouldn't matter, but I want to be wanted. I want the job because it sounds interesting, and challenging, and would allow me to be home with my children while paying the bills. And the guy... Well he was younger. But not crazy young. And adorable. And we had plenty in common that would have kept things fun and interesting. But apparently when I stated that I wanted more than just sex, that meant I wanted something serious. Despite the clear explanation of what that meant (and far from serious it was).... But instead of meeting me, and seeing if we clicked, or talking to me about it, he freaked out and cancelled. Again... Oh yes, this is the second go around I've had with this gentleman...
Between these two things, and my children not listening, (because they were tired and transitioning from being with their dad all weekend, and they were hot), I lost it. I stopped being the mom I want to be. I lost my temper and bedtime was no fun. My energy was sapped and now I want to go to bed early instead of doing anything useful (though I did at least clean the kitchen)...
I am tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling undesirable. Guys want to sleep with me, but not date me. People want to see my house, but not buy it. Companies want to interview me, but not hire me... Well I guess that last one is yet to be seen. Still, none of it should actually reflect on my self worth. And yet here I lie, with a splitting headache, feeling even worse than I did before I had the possibility of any of these things. I know I am worth more than I am getting. Yet I continue to allow the treatment of less. So how do I change this? Just like my house, how do I get people to see the value I see?
I feel a little beat down from this one... And lets be honest, we don't know what is happening with the job, so really, it is all over a guy that I just wanted to have some fun with... Go figure.
This morning I had an interview. I also had a date for tomorrow night. Both things I was excited about. I left the interview feeling totally unsure about how it went. It was short and I left with the impression that I didn't say what they wanted to hear. Or I wasn't the person they wanted to find. It shouldn't matter, but I want to be wanted. I want the job because it sounds interesting, and challenging, and would allow me to be home with my children while paying the bills. And the guy... Well he was younger. But not crazy young. And adorable. And we had plenty in common that would have kept things fun and interesting. But apparently when I stated that I wanted more than just sex, that meant I wanted something serious. Despite the clear explanation of what that meant (and far from serious it was).... But instead of meeting me, and seeing if we clicked, or talking to me about it, he freaked out and cancelled. Again... Oh yes, this is the second go around I've had with this gentleman...
Between these two things, and my children not listening, (because they were tired and transitioning from being with their dad all weekend, and they were hot), I lost it. I stopped being the mom I want to be. I lost my temper and bedtime was no fun. My energy was sapped and now I want to go to bed early instead of doing anything useful (though I did at least clean the kitchen)...
I am tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling undesirable. Guys want to sleep with me, but not date me. People want to see my house, but not buy it. Companies want to interview me, but not hire me... Well I guess that last one is yet to be seen. Still, none of it should actually reflect on my self worth. And yet here I lie, with a splitting headache, feeling even worse than I did before I had the possibility of any of these things. I know I am worth more than I am getting. Yet I continue to allow the treatment of less. So how do I change this? Just like my house, how do I get people to see the value I see?
I feel a little beat down from this one... And lets be honest, we don't know what is happening with the job, so really, it is all over a guy that I just wanted to have some fun with... Go figure.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Falling in love
I want to fall in love. I know, odd since I just posted yesterday about how I am not ready for a relationship. But I look around, I see pictures on facebook, and everywhere I look, I see couples. I know the reality under it all, so it isn't that I believe everything I see. But I do know what it feels like to be in love. And I miss that. I miss feeling like my heart is pouring out of my eyes when I look at someone. I miss being in someone's arms when I sleep at night. I miss having that one person who wants to be with you above all else.
I know it will come when it is time, and I am super clear that it isn't time yet. I also know that the distractions I've been trying to hold that space with simply don't work. And as hard as the emptiness is, it is what I need to come to terms with.
So my next thought is that I need to fall in love with myself. I've been trying in truth. I've been dating myself for about a year now, and I think it is going well. I enjoy my own company. I think I'm funny and have excellent taste. I like all the same things as me and am even discovering some new things that I didn't know I enjoyed. The only trouble is I can't quite wrap my arms around myself at night. There is no extra warmth when I share my bed with me. And when I talk to myself, I frequently get funny looks from other people.
So what comes next? How do I make my life what I want it to be? I know it can't be forced, but how do I find happiness and contentment in this space? I know that my life is pretty darn good. I have no real world problems, only first world problems. I am educated and skilled and could likely go out and get any number of jobs quite easily tomorrow. I have food in my refrigerator and a beautiful home. I have two children who love me, and I them. I have wonderful friends and family who have my back. I have many comforts beyond this that the vast majority of the people in this world do not have. And yet, with all of that, I still feel lonely. I used to tell my ex that I didn't care what he did for a living. If he was miserable (and he was) he should just quit his job. The worst that would happen would be that we would lose our home and have to live in some crappy apartment together. But we would be together. I know he never believed me since he liked the trappings of our life as much as I did. But I always meant it. And to this day I mean it. I know the value of having love in your life. It is the people and the relationships that matter. And it is something I miss deeply.
This is where the what ifs start to play in my head. What if I don't meet anyone to share my life with? What if it is just me and my kids now? What if once they leave, it is just me? Can I be happy? Although I am certain I could be happy, and will find my way to enjoying my life as it is, I don't believe I will be satisfied being alone. I used to imagine my adult life alone. I never imagined a partner for myself until much later in life (of course that was because I was going to be too busy with my starring broadway career)... My imagined successful life was a beautiful NYC apartment, with a performing career and a dog. I lived alone in that dream. But now that I have had enjoyed a taste of partnership, togetherness and true love, I feel incomplete without it. Don't get me wrong, I am a whole person. I have interests and friends and a life that is pretty full and great. But having that person by your side, makes it all worth more.
So here I am, walking through the in between. My life isn't what it was but not what it yet will be. It is an uncomfortable place for me. And my distractions have all abandoned me. The question is- what is it I am supposed to be focusing on? What is it that I am supposed to be working on? I've been sitting in this awfully uncomfortable space for some time now and I'm losing my patience for it. I need movement.
I know it will come when it is time, and I am super clear that it isn't time yet. I also know that the distractions I've been trying to hold that space with simply don't work. And as hard as the emptiness is, it is what I need to come to terms with.
So my next thought is that I need to fall in love with myself. I've been trying in truth. I've been dating myself for about a year now, and I think it is going well. I enjoy my own company. I think I'm funny and have excellent taste. I like all the same things as me and am even discovering some new things that I didn't know I enjoyed. The only trouble is I can't quite wrap my arms around myself at night. There is no extra warmth when I share my bed with me. And when I talk to myself, I frequently get funny looks from other people.
So what comes next? How do I make my life what I want it to be? I know it can't be forced, but how do I find happiness and contentment in this space? I know that my life is pretty darn good. I have no real world problems, only first world problems. I am educated and skilled and could likely go out and get any number of jobs quite easily tomorrow. I have food in my refrigerator and a beautiful home. I have two children who love me, and I them. I have wonderful friends and family who have my back. I have many comforts beyond this that the vast majority of the people in this world do not have. And yet, with all of that, I still feel lonely. I used to tell my ex that I didn't care what he did for a living. If he was miserable (and he was) he should just quit his job. The worst that would happen would be that we would lose our home and have to live in some crappy apartment together. But we would be together. I know he never believed me since he liked the trappings of our life as much as I did. But I always meant it. And to this day I mean it. I know the value of having love in your life. It is the people and the relationships that matter. And it is something I miss deeply.
This is where the what ifs start to play in my head. What if I don't meet anyone to share my life with? What if it is just me and my kids now? What if once they leave, it is just me? Can I be happy? Although I am certain I could be happy, and will find my way to enjoying my life as it is, I don't believe I will be satisfied being alone. I used to imagine my adult life alone. I never imagined a partner for myself until much later in life (of course that was because I was going to be too busy with my starring broadway career)... My imagined successful life was a beautiful NYC apartment, with a performing career and a dog. I lived alone in that dream. But now that I have had enjoyed a taste of partnership, togetherness and true love, I feel incomplete without it. Don't get me wrong, I am a whole person. I have interests and friends and a life that is pretty full and great. But having that person by your side, makes it all worth more.
So here I am, walking through the in between. My life isn't what it was but not what it yet will be. It is an uncomfortable place for me. And my distractions have all abandoned me. The question is- what is it I am supposed to be focusing on? What is it that I am supposed to be working on? I've been sitting in this awfully uncomfortable space for some time now and I'm losing my patience for it. I need movement.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Being alone
This weekend has been hard for me. I sort of knew going in that might be the case. You see, I've shut down all of my dating profiles. I had realized awhile ago that I wasn't really ready for a relationship, and although I want less, my standards for what "less" looks like were apparently still too high for online dating. The behavior online is absolutely atrocious and it had become an actual negative distraction in my life. I was being treated like I was disposable, and I was allowing it. So I said enough and shut them all down. I'm still open to meeting people. May even speed date some more (it is so fun!), but I am choosing to focus on me for now.
Trouble is, then the weekend comes when the kids leave. And I'm alone. And my friends are busy with their families and husbands and lives. And I'm alone.
Don't get me wrong, I value *some* alone time. But I've never been someone who needs it. Or not much anyhow. I value time with my partner. Doing our individual things side by side. So when left with three days alone, and no plans, I tend to feel sad, and unwanted, and unimportant.
Since I know this about myself, I am working on how to change it. What can I do differently to not hit depression when I am in this space. Some obligation I can plan for every other weekend that puts me with people. I'm almost ready to go to church! Classes are weekly. Shows are constant. Maybe I should join a museum and force myself to go and create a study for myself.
I guess my real challenge is how do you create an entirely new life, part time, from scratch? How do you fill those hours? Investing in myself and my home, or giving my time to others, seem the obvious choices, but even those don't come easily. So for now I am trying to simply be okay with the dip. Though when I'm in it, it is not an easy challenge.
Trouble is, then the weekend comes when the kids leave. And I'm alone. And my friends are busy with their families and husbands and lives. And I'm alone.
Don't get me wrong, I value *some* alone time. But I've never been someone who needs it. Or not much anyhow. I value time with my partner. Doing our individual things side by side. So when left with three days alone, and no plans, I tend to feel sad, and unwanted, and unimportant.
Since I know this about myself, I am working on how to change it. What can I do differently to not hit depression when I am in this space. Some obligation I can plan for every other weekend that puts me with people. I'm almost ready to go to church! Classes are weekly. Shows are constant. Maybe I should join a museum and force myself to go and create a study for myself.
I guess my real challenge is how do you create an entirely new life, part time, from scratch? How do you fill those hours? Investing in myself and my home, or giving my time to others, seem the obvious choices, but even those don't come easily. So for now I am trying to simply be okay with the dip. Though when I'm in it, it is not an easy challenge.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
The ties that bind... Or not...
Have you ever been kicked out of a family? Not disowned but just no longer included? I am experiencing that now.
It is a really confusing experience. On the one hand, I have individual relationships with all of these people who I have loved for the last 16 plus years. I know that they love me and I love them. I am even still treated like family on an individual level- dinners together, some event invitations, and kind words spoken when together. But then there is the family at large experience. Because of the nature of the split between my ex and I, we can only attend events simultaneously if he does not bring his girlfriend (aka the woman he cheated on me with for nearly three years). As a result, what is happening, is I am no longer invited. He gets the initial invitation. We find out his plans- if he plans to attend, and if so is he bringing her. Once that is sorted out, I may get an invite.
This weekend his family planned a major reunion. It doesn't matter that I was a part of this family for 16 years. It doesn't matter that my children are actual members of this bloodline. I was not invited. I was catching up with his mom (as we have a great relationship) and she mentioned she would love it if the kids could be there. I have them for the weekend, so did I mind bringing them. I told her I would be happy to provided that he wasn't bringing her. (Though frankly part of me is ready to say eff it and say it is my weekend with the kids and if they want them there I will bring them. See how she handles being in my face with people who love me and disrespect her...) I said I was going to see him and would ask him if he planned to attend. He said he was. Safe to assume he was taking her. He is.
So now my ex mother in law has requested he bring our children. I get that and support them being with their (no longer our) family. And now I want to cry. Because I have officially been cut out of the family. Blood is thicker than water. He is theirs and always will be. I am not.
It hurts.
It is a really confusing experience. On the one hand, I have individual relationships with all of these people who I have loved for the last 16 plus years. I know that they love me and I love them. I am even still treated like family on an individual level- dinners together, some event invitations, and kind words spoken when together. But then there is the family at large experience. Because of the nature of the split between my ex and I, we can only attend events simultaneously if he does not bring his girlfriend (aka the woman he cheated on me with for nearly three years). As a result, what is happening, is I am no longer invited. He gets the initial invitation. We find out his plans- if he plans to attend, and if so is he bringing her. Once that is sorted out, I may get an invite.
This weekend his family planned a major reunion. It doesn't matter that I was a part of this family for 16 years. It doesn't matter that my children are actual members of this bloodline. I was not invited. I was catching up with his mom (as we have a great relationship) and she mentioned she would love it if the kids could be there. I have them for the weekend, so did I mind bringing them. I told her I would be happy to provided that he wasn't bringing her. (Though frankly part of me is ready to say eff it and say it is my weekend with the kids and if they want them there I will bring them. See how she handles being in my face with people who love me and disrespect her...) I said I was going to see him and would ask him if he planned to attend. He said he was. Safe to assume he was taking her. He is.
So now my ex mother in law has requested he bring our children. I get that and support them being with their (no longer our) family. And now I want to cry. Because I have officially been cut out of the family. Blood is thicker than water. He is theirs and always will be. I am not.
It hurts.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Trying to trust, but really FREAKING OUT
So life is pretty overwhelming for me right now. I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of the end of my marriage. He is with the woman he had an affair with and I am reminded every single day. My kids talk about her and her daughter. Old friends are spending time with them. I have to remember that he isn't only thinking about himself and me and our kids, because he has a new partner that is in his ear about life decisions. If I make a "bad" move or choice, it just adds fuel to the fire for why I shouldn't be taken care of. I am on the edge of breaking every single day. But somehow I find the strength to carry on, hold my head up, and start over each morning. I'm not wishing to win him back, but I miss what I thought I had every day. I have a moment of sadness for future lost every day.
Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house. The house that was supposed to be our family home. The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in. To hold our family holidays in. The house that was our home. The house he left me in. Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal. I see things I would do differently. I envision a backyard to play in. Lights strung up across the pool. Family photos on the walls. But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale. I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily. Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row. Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout. Really? Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything. And we put quite a bit of work in too. It isn't in "need" of anything. It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque. And there is more than enough room for anyone. They just don't have the imagination for it. I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously. So frustrating. And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I just have to wait. And trust.
And then there is kindergarten. Had another reminder today. Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence. That we are selling. And moving out of. The school I don't really want her to go to. But I'm not in contract anywhere else. And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house. And school starts in less than two weeks. So what do I do?????????? Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in? Register her based on that? Move her later? Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????
Then there is this business that I am starting. And NEED to start because we really need the income. I am so worried that I don't have what it takes. It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate. What if I screw it up? I really need this to work. I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet. I want it to work out. I want it to be amazing. But I am so scared...
I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with. And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay. And that I am loved and loveable. And worth fighting for. And not easy to leave. I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve. But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it. And my insides still hurt so badly. I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it. Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.
Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house. The house that was supposed to be our family home. The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in. To hold our family holidays in. The house that was our home. The house he left me in. Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal. I see things I would do differently. I envision a backyard to play in. Lights strung up across the pool. Family photos on the walls. But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale. I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily. Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row. Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout. Really? Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything. And we put quite a bit of work in too. It isn't in "need" of anything. It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque. And there is more than enough room for anyone. They just don't have the imagination for it. I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously. So frustrating. And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I just have to wait. And trust.
And then there is kindergarten. Had another reminder today. Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence. That we are selling. And moving out of. The school I don't really want her to go to. But I'm not in contract anywhere else. And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house. And school starts in less than two weeks. So what do I do?????????? Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in? Register her based on that? Move her later? Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????
Then there is this business that I am starting. And NEED to start because we really need the income. I am so worried that I don't have what it takes. It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate. What if I screw it up? I really need this to work. I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet. I want it to work out. I want it to be amazing. But I am so scared...
I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with. And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay. And that I am loved and loveable. And worth fighting for. And not easy to leave. I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve. But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it. And my insides still hurt so badly. I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it. Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.
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