Hitting the bottom

Yesterday, I clearly hit the bottom of my emotional barrel.  I spent nearly three years begging my ex to "pick me, pick me" and now I'm feeling it with my kids.  I don't mean that I want them to pick me over their dad.  They need us both.  But right now, my ego needs them to want me.


I am also my own worst critic.  Aren't we all?  Despite the fact that I rail against society for the "what do you DO all day?" nonsense against stay at home moms, I am the worst when it comes to that for myself.  I look around my house and wonder, what am I spending my time on?  I know that I waste time.  I know that I "should" be doing more (you know, like the laundry that is piling up again)...


But the piece that I frequently choose to ignore, is that I am chemically depressed.  There may or may not be physical/chemical components to this stemming from health concerns that haven't been addressed.  What I do know is that some days it is a miracle if I can do the bare minimum.  I'm talking kid to school, homework done, lunch packed, other kid fed.  If the best I can do from there is put on movies and snuggle my baby, that's the best I can do.  I know I do my best.  And sometimes that means I can pick myself up by my bootstraps and not fall on my face.  Other times I simply cannot.  Yesterday and today, I could not.  But where do I go from there?  And does that mean I'm best for my kids?


Today was better than yesterday.  By far.  I only got mad once and it was because my big kid hit my little kid.  Otherwise I stayed calm and steady, even in moments of frustration.  Because with two kids under five who have BIG personalities, there are many, MANY moments of frustration.


All I can think is I must truly be depressed if thinking my children would be better off with anyone other than me.  But that right there my friends is the crux of the problem.  Wouldn't anyone be better off with anyone other than me?