Trying to trust, but really FREAKING OUT

So life is pretty overwhelming for me right now.  I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of the end of my marriage.  He is with the woman he had an affair with and I am reminded every single day.  My kids talk about her and her daughter.  Old friends are spending time with them.  I have to remember that he isn't only thinking about himself and me and our kids, because he has a new partner that is in his ear about life decisions.  If I make a "bad" move or choice, it just adds fuel to the fire for why I shouldn't be taken care of.  I am on the edge of breaking every single day.  But somehow I find the strength to carry on, hold my head up, and start over each morning.  I'm not wishing to win him back, but I miss what I thought I had every day.  I have a moment of sadness for future lost every day.


Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house.  The house that was supposed to be our family home.  The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in.  To hold our family holidays in.  The house that was our home.  The house he left me in.  Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal.  I see things I would do differently.  I envision a backyard to play in.  Lights strung up across the pool.  Family photos on the walls.  But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale.  I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily.  Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row.  Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout.  Really?  Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything.  And we put quite a bit of work in too.  It isn't in "need" of anything.  It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque.  And there is more than enough room for anyone.  They just don't have the imagination for it.  I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously.  So frustrating.  And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same.  But there is nothing I can do about that now.  I just have to wait.  And trust.


And then there is kindergarten.  Had another reminder today.  Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence.  That we are selling.  And moving out of.  The school I don't really want her to go to.  But I'm not in contract anywhere else.  And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house.  And school starts in less than two weeks.  So what do I do??????????  Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in?  Register her based on that?  Move her later?  Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????


Then there is this business that I am starting.  And NEED to start because we really need the income.  I am so worried that I don't have what it takes.  It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate.  What if I screw it up?  I really need this to work.  I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet.  I want it to work out.  I want it to be amazing.  But I am so scared...


I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with.  And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay.  And that I am loved and loveable.  And worth fighting for.  And not easy to leave.  I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve.  But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it.  And my insides still hurt so badly.  I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it.  Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.

Serious Catch Up- Part 2 Preschool and Gios Birthday!

I realized I needed to split these posts up.  They were just going to be too massive in one.  I suppose the smart thing would have required writing individual posts, but c'est la vie.

After returning home from Disney, we hit the ground running and started straight in for Bella's preschool.  She goes two days a week for two and a half hours.  Fairly small amount of time but it has proven to be exactly perfect for her.  The school she goes to is strictly a school.  There is no day care or extended hours.  In fact, it is in a local recreation center, so they actually set up and take down each of the rooms every day.  There are usually 5-7 stations set up each day.  Always an art project that each child gets to rotate through with the teacher.  Usually some sort of fantasy play (train tracks, or a farm or a doll house, etc).  Often play dough, puzzles and other focused play items.  They go outside to the attached park, have a snack, and a story circle each day.  It took awhile for Bella to begin to connect with the kids but she is slowly gaining familiarity with them.  It is still a relatively slow drop of (typically 5-10 minutes now) but I know she is not upset when I leave.  She is always happy to go which I take as a very good sign.  I originally thought she should go 3 days a week, going up to 4 next year in preparation for 5 days a week preschool the following year.  Right now, 2 days is more than enough, though we also have gymnastics on a third day.  We will see how the next year and a half go. I know insane amounts of growth happen between now and five, but it is hard to imagine in such a short amount of time that she will be ready to begin real school.  Time will tell I suppose!  Here is my sweet girl on her first day.

The final update- Gio's First Birthday!  I can hardly believe my little man is one already!  As I consider the likelihood that this is my last baby, every milestone is bittersweet.  He shows more and more personality every day.  He is a little ham and quite the Casanova.  He looks you straight in the eye and melts your heart.  At the last moment (one week to be exact) we decided to have the big bash for Gio's first.  It was Halloween themed, particularly focusing on the pumpkin.  You can read all about it here.  It was a sweet day.  Dinner and cake and loved ones.  Nothing crazy.  A couple of photos of the big one year old.

Serious Catch Up- Part 1 Disney and Family Photos

My goodness I have not been on it with keeping up to date here.  I have some time tonight and hope to (sort of) correct that.  So, here we go. =)

First things first.  I mentioned we did a little family photo shoot back in August.  The pictures are lovely.  Here are some sneak peeks for you!

And the best part?  These aren't even the best ones!  So many adorable pictures of my littles.  But I have to save the best ones for our holiday cards! =)  We spent the day out at Tomales Bay visiting Hog Island Oyster Company and the Marshall Store.  Good food, and beautiful pictures.  I also had Ron Miller take some photos of the kids in Nick's corvette since we are working towards selling the car even though we do love it.  This was a way to capture its beauty in our family.

Early September we found ourselves traveling down to southern California for a family vacation at Disneyland.  We visited with Nick's Aunts and Uncles down there and played at the "happiest place on Earth" for a few days.  It was a very nice week.  Something I realized we need to do more often.  It is too too easy to get caught up in the craziness of daily life, especially with two young children.  To take some time to just get away from it all is so important.  The kids particularly benefit from some relaxed time with the four of us together.  Bella went on her first big kid rides.  She went on Splash Mountain- twice!  Once with me and once with Nick.  She also went on the Tower of Terror.  She wasn't such a big fan of that.  I think mostly she found the lead up to the ride scary.  If it was a simple elevator ride with no spooky start, she probably would have giggled through the whole thing.  Finally she went on Soarin Over California.  She really liked that too.  She is still waiting to be big enough to go on the roller coasters.  It will be interesting to see how she takes to those!  She is big enough for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, but it was closed for renovations.  I suspect she will LOVE it once she can go on it.  I'm sure there are probably some other stories to tell but frankly, it's been too long for me to remember all the details!  Here are the pictures from Disney...

Preschool!

We officially have a big girl here!  Bella started preschool today.  It is only two days a week for two and a half hours, but it is preschool.  We show up, she plays, I leave.

Day one went well.  On the way there, she told me I was to leave her there.  Once we arrived, she informed me I was to stay.  I told her I would stay as long as she needed me to.  She got busy playing and I went outside.  After an hour I checked in with the teachers who told me to go ahead and leave (I had a cranky baby on my hands who wanted out of the Ergo and needed a nap).  So I did.  Bella asked for me once when they went out to the playground, the teachers told her I was walking around, and she was fine.  I picked her up when school was over and she was happy to see me though not desperately so.  She told me she forgot to paint and she needed to do that before we left.  She had seen painting stations at other preschools so she figured that was part of the deal.  I told her they didn't have painting today, but I imagined another day they would paint.  We went home and at lunch and took a nap.

On the surface, it seemed like it went well.  Underneath, my gut tells me a different story.  On the way to the car she wasn't listening very well.  Her behavior was questionable for the rest of the day, and she seemed... high strung.  To be fair, she was EXHAUSTED.  Last week we were at Disney (more on that later) and we were busy all weekend too.  She was so tired.  Then playing all morning certainly would have pushed her over the edge in exhaustion.  My gut still tells me that she was just emotionally and mentally stressed with the grown-upness of it all.  I'm prepared for her to not want me to leave at all on Friday, or next week.  Ultimately though it is a sweet sweet school and the teachers are lovely.  I believe it is a very nice setting for her first school experience.  My hope for her is to make one good friend and gain a little confidence and independence.  I think she will get more than that, but we shall see.

This girl amazes me.  Truly, she is sweet and kind and funny and smart.  I am so very very lucky to call myself her mama.

Oh Geez...

I pulled my computer into bed with me tonight since I was on my own with the two kiddos and don't you know, I just realized that I posted the same silly picture of my littles twice!  Goodness.  If that doesn't tell you where my brain is at, I don't know what will!

We've been busy, and it doesn't look like we will be slowing down any time soon.  I have signed Bella up for preschool (pretty sure I already told you that).  She will start in one week!!!  We met her teachers this week, and they seem great.  Kind and present.  Exactly what I was hoping for.  We will see how it goes when it is time for me to leave her there alone.  The good news is that they are supportive of gentle transitions and if she needs me to stay in the room, I will do just that.  Until she is ready for me to walk out the door, I have no intention of doing so.

Before that though, we are going to take a little family trip down to Disneyland.  I'm really hoping it is a good week.  Time to reconnect as a family, special moments for all four of us.  Gio is so involved in the world now I know he is going to go nuts with some of the rides and characters.  Bella loves all things Disney of course and has recently been able to actually ride the roller coasters and other crazy rides, so is excited to do some more. I am also hoping to rekindle some love between Nick and I since it is of course the place he proposed.  We all just need a little more loves these days.

These past few weeks have kept us busy too.  We had solar panels installed (at the same time the city was resurfacing our street!), which also included a new electric panel for our house.  We are down to the final step which is PG&E putting in a new meter that will interconnect our system with theirs.  Then- we go live!  Very excited to see how our system does.

We also enjoyed a visit from our wedding photographer, Ron Miller, who indulged us with a family photo shoot!  I promise to share some of the (surely amazing) results once I see them.  He's a busy busy man with loads of weddings and a family of his own, so I am waiting (not so) patiently. =)

On top of all of this, our house was wiped out by the plague.  I was personally sick for a solid week, couldn't even get out of bed for three straight days!  The kids have followed with their own version.  I ended up having to take my sweet boy to the pediatrician because I was so worried about this horrible cough he has.  Turned out the congestion wasn't in his lungs, but he did have a really terrible ear infection.  So the poor guy has been on antibiotics for over a week now!  Nearly done.  They both sadly still have this cough.  I'm at my wits end- I just have no idea what to do for my poor kiddos. The vicks and homeopathic cough syrup (plus benedryl for Bella) is just not cutting it.

So there you have it.  Our crazy, messy life.  La Bella Vita!

Growing Up!

It's official, my big girl starts preschool this fall.  I mailed the check and committed us to a local school two days a week.  She will only go for "normal" preschool hours- in other words, mornings.  I will pick her up at noon for lunch (and hopefully nap!).  If she loves it, and we love it, and all is well, we may increase to three days a week later in the school year.  For now it will be just a few hours a week that I can spend one on one with Gio, and Bella gets to do art and music and play with new friends we haven't met yet (her words).  She will also continue with her gymnastics class, though has aged up to an independent class (no parent participation anymore).  Once we are in the swing of school, I might look to add a dance or music class to the regimen too.  Gio will also get to start gymnastics after his birthday.  I can't believe how big my kiddos are getting.  They amaze me (and exhaust and challenge me) every single day.  I am so lucky to be their mama.

Catch up

Well well well, it has again been quite awhile since I posted here.  Two kids just doesn't leave a lot of time for thoughtful posts and as a result I just don't post!  I have been a bit busy actually doing things too! So here's my catch up!

Gio is nearly ten months old.  Time flies.  He is such a character.  He is funny and focused and such a boy!  He is rough and tumble and in to EVERYTHING.  He has three teeth so far, two bottom and one on top.  I think he keeps biting is tongue too!  Poor guy.  To add to the pain in his mouth.  But he is such a love.  He looks at me (and frankly most women) with these deep bedroom eyes that make you want to just pick him up and snuggle him.  And then he'll grin with that one dimple.  Oh my goodness this child.  The girls are going to swoon.

Bella is three!  She continues to shine and be her amazing self.  She is hilarious and strong and so fashionable.  I finally had to institute a dress day/ drawer day rule because she would wear dresses every single day, and mostly I was sick of seeing the same things knowing there was an amazing collection of clothing going unused in her drawers.  She's doing pretty well with it (clear, structured rules) and puts together these adorable outfits on every drawer day.  I love (and loathe) her opinions. =)

Most recently I've been keeping busy with a few things.  The first was planning a big birthday bash for miss Bella!  (Read about it here Purple Princess Party).  Also, we are going solar!  We have contracted with a company to put photo-voltaic solar panels on our home to help control our crazy electric bill.  I'm excited both from a financial and (more importantly) environmental perspective.  I still have some other things to do (we have decided to sell the corvette, I know... and Bella will start preschool this fall!) but we've done quite a bit this summer!

In other news, I gave an interview today to a woman writing for the Huffington post.  She's doing a series on breastfeeding (from all angles, good, bad and ugly) and I will be one of the women profiled!  Once it comes out I'll share it.  It was a good reminder to me that I have an interesting story that is worth sharing.  I was told once upon a time that I should write a book.  I keep thinking about that, but then ask myself why someone would want to read it.  What is the point of my story?  Hope? Strength?  I really don't know.  I'm afraid I won't be able to write it until I can answer that.  But then think I probably will never have that answer and should just start writing.  Perhaps it would reveal itself in the process.  So I ask you- if you read this blog regularly, would you read my story in book form?  Why?  What do you find interesting here?  Maybe it will help light a fire under me... =)

So there you go.  That's my update for now!  Here's a picture of my two crazy littles.  I sure do love them!

Three years old!

My dearest Isabella,

Tomorrow you turn three. I can't even begin to wrap my brain around
the fact that you, my sweet baby girl, are three years old.

You are magic. Don't ever forget that.

You amaze me every single day. Some days it is your persistence that
does it. Some days you are the funniest person I know. Often you show
me your incredibly kind, thoughtful and generous heart and spirit.

I think most parents think their kid is the best. Even with that said,
I am (sadly) still hyper critical of everything and everyone around
me. So when I say this, I hope you know it to be true. You are smart,
and strong, and kind, and funny. I love you like crazy but what is
even cooler is that I like you. I love watching you grow up and into
yourself because you are such a delight to be around.

Ok, yes, you are still three and the last year of two has been
challenging at times. But often the challenge is that you know your
mind and are uninterested in doing things my way. Even in those most
frustrating moments, I often (internally) applaud you for your
persistence, determination and fortitude in opinion. I genuinely feel
lucky to be your mom.

Right now you love all things princess- nothing earth shattering
there. You love your books, swimming (all things water really),
animals, fashion, music (make it loud with a good beat, just like
daddy), and yes, shopping. Best of all, you love your family.

Your favorite food is sushi (crab, unagi and tobiko), followed by
pesto pasta probably. You currently LOVE chocolate but still like
vanilla too. You are so smart there is no sneaking things past you. So
that whole "hiding" healthy foods in treats business- can't pull one
over on you!

You love your baby brother. Maybe don't love how much attention he
takes, but all else aside you can't wait till he is up and running
with you. Your cousin Mia is your very best friend, and I can get you
to do almost anything if it means you can see her! You two get so
silly together.

My sweet Bella-boo, you are the most magical person I've ever met.
There is a sweetness and a strength inside you that shines through
like a beacon. Thank you for choosing us and letting me share your
life.

I love you,

Mommy

Crazy. Town.

That is my current home- Crazytown.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I keep hoping/ thinking that things are going to get easier.  In some ways- they do!  Gio is a very cool little boy.  So sweet and snuggly.  His reflux is basically gone from what I can tell, all of the meds have been ceased (though I will still use Zantac as needed as this is new).  But, he is also now teething, and eating, and hitting developmental milestone after milestone.  So he is very demanding.  He wants no one but me if he is tired or unhappy for some reason.  When it comes to bedtime, I'm it.  Meanwhile, Bella is her amazing self.  Such a sweet, kind, funny, smart person.  I really like her.  She is also asserting her independence a ton, which means tough moments for us, and also I think struggling with how much Gio still requires.  We are officially in the phase where the two of them are "fighting" for attention.  I'm constantly triaging their needs which often results in Gio screaming at me while Bella gets into trouble.  So I'm looking for other ways to deal.  Nick and I have determined that Bella needs one-on-one special time regularly now.  So hopefully this weekend we can schedule a Mommy and Bella date.

On top of all of this craziness with our day to day lives, I have several major project balls in the air.  We are looking to possibly refinance our house.  The market has gone crazy in the last 6-12 months and we think our value may be high enough that with a refinance we could drop our mortgage insurance.  This would be an awesome improvement for us.  We are also looking into getting solar panels to help us "get off the grid" (at least mostly).  Our electric bills have gone crazy in the last couple of years so for both financial and environmental reasons it is time to do something other than pay PG&E.  Additionally, we are going to sell the Corvette.  I know, I know.  It hasn't been that long and it is sad to see it go.  The truth is that we just simply don't have the time to put into the vehicle.  Classic cars always need tinkering, and really it should be properly garaged.  We don't have any of that to give.  So we will sell the Corvette and replace it with something modern, probably still convertible, but with a back seat that we can put car seats in as needed.  On top of all of that, I am checking out preschools for Bella to start in the fall.  Yes, Bella is going to preschool in the fall!  Very exciting.  However, choosing the "right" school is tricky business.  It's hard to know what is right for your kid and what will prepare them the best for the future- or even what that preparation looks like!

Anyhow, as you can see, I am crazy busy.  Hoping to find my own oxygen mask soon too.  I need something though I don't have any idea what that will be.  It's time though since I am melting down by Wednesday or Thursday each week.

I'll try to post soon about our trip that we took.  So many sweet moments with friends, family and of course- Disney!

In my head

I'm currently writing a post in my head.  I started to type it out today and quickly realized that it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted.  So I will save it for another day.  Two kids are keeping me on my toes.  I am worn out.  Poor Gio is really suffering with his acid reflux.  We put him on meds a couple of weeks ago and it helped at first.  Then I don't know, maybe he outgrew the dose or something, but this past week has gotten so bad again.  He cries so much.  And I know he is in pain.  It breaks my heart.  But it wears me down too.  I'm definitely struggling.  Meanwhile I'm trying to make sure Bella is still getting what she needs but when you have a screaming baby, your attention is clearly going to go to that.  I'm so lucky and grateful to not be doing this alone all day every day, between my mom and Nick at home, and other friends and family when they're around too.  Even with my amazing support system, this is just hard.  I am so determined to breastfeed at the very least until six months, but hopefully until the one year marker when they recommend breast milk or formula until.  I don't want to give him formula if I can avoid it.  However, if I don't figure out how to make things easier, and soon, I don't know that I will be able to make it that far.  This is hard.  It isn't the actual nursing that is a challenge, but the constant desperate neediness going on.  If he isn't eating or sleeping, he is crying.  Okay we do get some happy times, but they feel few and far between right now.  I was handling the sleep deprivation okay, but combined with the fussy baby and strong willed toddler, I see my positive attitude slipping.  What helped fortify me during these tough times with Bella was my mommy group.  I could go there and cry or laugh or vent and know that I was in the company of people who understood and empathized.  But there is no mommy group for babies and toddlers (not like you could talk much with toddlers running around!)... Actually the mommy group I used to go to has been disbanded, which is particularly sad for me.  I could have at the very least arranged babysitting for Bella and taken Gio to get some mental support.  I'm working on some ideas to get that support again.  I need my mommies again!

Well I didn't expect this to be so long or so full of vents but I guess that is just where I'm at.  The truth is ugly sometimes.  I love my babies.  They are amazing and there is at least one moment each day with each child that makes my heart grow a little bigger, but the minutiae of day to day is tough.  And I guess right now, I'm feeling the weight of it all.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween from our family to yours!

A day at the zoo!

Last year we joined the San Francisco Zoo as annual members.  We decided not to renew this year simply because its a trek into the city with one child, and I can only imagine how it will be with two.  Plus we are members to two other locations, and I feel like that is enough.  I might renew another time, but we'll see.

Anyhow our membership is up at the end of this month and I wanted to make sure we made one last visit before then.  Today was that day.  Bella and I picked up my dad and headed on down to the SF zoo.  It was a chilly day, typical of San Francisco on the water.  But overall it was lovely day.  We walked most of the zoo- the polar bears being the big winner today, and even rode the little puffer steam engine!  Here are some pictures from our day!

Bella and Grandpa sitting on the train!

Bella getting ready for the train to go!

Not the best picture, but mommy and Bella right before the ride began!

Bella and grandpa sitting on the Grizzly statue!

Bella took one look at this statue and asked me to take her picture!  How could I resist???

I mean come on- look at that face!

Bella was reading me this book.  It went "Once upon a time!  There was a tiger named Aga..." and some variations on the theme. =)