Hitting the bottom

Yesterday, I clearly hit the bottom of my emotional barrel.  I spent nearly three years begging my ex to "pick me, pick me" and now I'm feeling it with my kids.  I don't mean that I want them to pick me over their dad.  They need us both.  But right now, my ego needs them to want me.


I am also my own worst critic.  Aren't we all?  Despite the fact that I rail against society for the "what do you DO all day?" nonsense against stay at home moms, I am the worst when it comes to that for myself.  I look around my house and wonder, what am I spending my time on?  I know that I waste time.  I know that I "should" be doing more (you know, like the laundry that is piling up again)...


But the piece that I frequently choose to ignore, is that I am chemically depressed.  There may or may not be physical/chemical components to this stemming from health concerns that haven't been addressed.  What I do know is that some days it is a miracle if I can do the bare minimum.  I'm talking kid to school, homework done, lunch packed, other kid fed.  If the best I can do from there is put on movies and snuggle my baby, that's the best I can do.  I know I do my best.  And sometimes that means I can pick myself up by my bootstraps and not fall on my face.  Other times I simply cannot.  Yesterday and today, I could not.  But where do I go from there?  And does that mean I'm best for my kids?


Today was better than yesterday.  By far.  I only got mad once and it was because my big kid hit my little kid.  Otherwise I stayed calm and steady, even in moments of frustration.  Because with two kids under five who have BIG personalities, there are many, MANY moments of frustration.


All I can think is I must truly be depressed if thinking my children would be better off with anyone other than me.  But that right there my friends is the crux of the problem.  Wouldn't anyone be better off with anyone other than me?

How to cope?

I am really struggling with something right now.  The ex husband is actively and publicly dating his affair partner.  This in an of itself is an ego blow, but manageable.  Now, however, he is very consistently bringing her around my children.  Last week when I was sick with the flu, the four of them went out to dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant (where we are known by name and our kids have their own special dishes).  She spends the night at his place when they are there, though had been sleeping on the couch.  Still not great, but something I was dealing with.  Just moments ago I heard my daughter telling my mom about how the other woman and her daughter spent the night this weekend with them.  After they were done talking, I asked her what their sleeping arrangements were.  She informed me that all five of them shared a bed.  I am so uncomfortable with this.  This woman has already "stolen" my husband and now she is worming her way into my children's lives.  I don't like or respect her.  I don't care for how she parents (this was true before the affair) or how she chooses to live her life.  I believe she is an immoral person.  I feel many of these things about the ex too (increasingly) but he is their dad, so we deal.  I just can't seem to deal with the fact that I can't protect my children from people I think are bad influences.  Any other circumstance and I would have that ability.  But because he decided to end our marriage, I lost this ability.


So I am genuinely asking- how do I cope with this?  How do I find a way to be okay with the fact that this woman who actively participated in the destruction of my family is sharing a bed with my children?  Nothing about this situation is okay with me.  I have no idea how to do this.  I have no desire to share my life with him anymore.  He has shown me, repeatedly, how badly matched we are now.  I am not jealous of her because she has him.  But my ego HATES that she "won" when she never deserved to even be in play.  And now, she not only gets my husband, but my children too???  Where is the justice in this life?  I am truly angry and heartbroken and know that I have no power whatsoever.  It may be the worst feeling I've experienced to date- and I had cancer.