Falling in love

I want to fall in love.  I know, odd since I just posted yesterday about how I am not ready for a relationship.  But I look around, I see pictures on facebook, and everywhere I look, I see couples.  I know the reality under it all, so it isn't that I believe everything I see.  But I do know what it feels like to be in love.  And I miss that.  I miss feeling like my heart is pouring out of my eyes when I look at someone.  I miss being in someone's arms when I sleep at night.  I miss having that one person who wants to be with you above all else.


I know it will come when it is time, and I am super clear that it isn't time yet.  I also know that the distractions I've been trying to hold that space with simply don't work.  And as hard as the emptiness is, it is what I need to come to terms with.


So my next thought is that I need to fall in love with myself.  I've been trying in truth.  I've been dating myself for about a year now, and I think it is going well.  I enjoy my own company.  I think I'm funny and have excellent taste.  I like all the same things as me and am even discovering some new things that I didn't know I enjoyed.  The only trouble is I can't quite wrap my arms around myself at night.  There is no extra warmth when I share my bed with me.  And when I talk to myself, I frequently get funny looks from other people.


So what comes next?  How do I make my life what I want it to be?  I know it can't be forced, but how do I find happiness and contentment in this space?  I know that my life is pretty darn good.  I have no real world problems, only first world problems.  I am educated and skilled and could likely go out and get any number of jobs quite easily tomorrow.  I have food in my refrigerator and a beautiful home.  I have two children who love me, and I them.  I have wonderful friends and family who have my back.  I have many comforts beyond this that the vast majority of the people in this world do not have.  And yet, with all of that, I still feel lonely.  I used to tell my ex that I didn't care what he did for a living.  If he was miserable (and he was) he should just quit his job.  The worst that would happen would be that we would lose our home and have to live in some crappy apartment together.  But we would be together.  I know he never believed me since he liked the trappings of our life as much as I did.  But I always meant it.  And to this day I mean it.  I know the value of having love in your life.  It is the people and the relationships that matter.  And it is something I miss deeply.


This is where the what ifs start to play in my head.  What if I don't meet anyone to share my life with?  What if it is just me and my kids now?  What if once they leave, it is just me?  Can I be happy?  Although I am certain I could be happy, and will find my way to enjoying my life as it is, I don't believe I will be satisfied being alone.  I used to imagine my adult life alone.  I never imagined a partner for myself until much later in life (of course that was because I was going to be too busy with my starring broadway career)...  My imagined successful life was a beautiful NYC apartment, with a performing career and a dog.  I lived alone in that dream.  But now that I have had enjoyed a taste of partnership, togetherness and true love, I feel incomplete without it.  Don't get me wrong, I am a whole person.  I have interests and friends and a life that is pretty full and great.  But having that person by your side, makes it all worth more.


So here I am, walking through the in between.  My life isn't what it was but not what it yet will be.  It is an uncomfortable place for me.  And my distractions have all abandoned me.  The question is- what is it I am supposed to be focusing on?  What is it that I am supposed to be working on?  I've been sitting in this awfully uncomfortable space for some time now and I'm losing my patience for it.  I need movement. 

Ego Bashing

Between divorce and dating my ego has taken a thorough bashing over the last couple of weeks.  I'm not sure what it is about me but for some reason online dating seems to only bring me men that want to sleep with me.  Not even take me on a date first, just sleep with me.  Although at first that wasn't an issue because I needed that sexual confidence again; to believe that I was desirable and had something interesting to offer.  Now though I just want more.  Not the next love of my life, but someone who wants to hang out with me.  Go to dinner or a show, or anything really.  The intimacy is a natural part of it, but apparently the other is hard to find.  I frankly don't understand it.  I'm not looking for love and marriage here- what's wrong with a little food or drink together?


Meanwhile I've had to spend all this time with the ex this week as we prepare the house for sale.  I was reminded what a great team we make.  How many memories we share.  We even had some really good conversations about things moving forward that needed to happen.  At one point we were talking about painting and what a pain it is.  He was making fun of himself (he is really not good at painting) and commented on how he did a bad job the first time he painted the family room and that's when he was trying to do a good job to impress me.  I laughed and said "you never tried to impress me"... He said he did.  That all his "little projects" around the house, there was always a piece that was trying to impress me.  When he said this it broke my heart.  Further proof of how terrible our communication and understanding of one another was.  I truly never felt that anything he did was about me.  I didn't feel like he was trying to impress me in any way.  He did what suited him and possibly factored me in, but that was the extent.  Don't get me wrong, occasionally there were things he did for me of course, but I definitely never felt as though he was trying to impress me.  If only he knew how much I loved him then.  The people we have become today definitely do not belong together.  But that love, in the past, was real and powerful... And then he called his girlfriend.  Yeah.  That hurt.


And this is where my stupid ego comes into play again.  I don't want a relationship and all it entails.  Not right now.  But I want someone calling me, wanting to see me and spend time with me.  And I don't have that.  Not like that.  I am blessed to have amazing friends and family that fill that hole currently, but it is different.  Having that one person who just wants to make you smile, and you feel the same.  That's special.


So I go back to the dating world.  The "friends" I have are all wrapped up in their own lives right now.  No one is seeking me out.  The only guys reaching out to me want sex and nothing more.  And the one guy I was connected to that I actually felt some chemistry with, ended up reacting to me almost identically to my ex, which sent me into those old habits and behaviors.  Suffice it to say, I will not be seeing him again.  Not that he was really trying to see me any way.  And that's what sucks.  New guys come around.  They are interested for a minute, and then disappear.  Some pursue me with great vigor and even make a date, and then just stop replying.  Others never make it to actually asking me out but suddenly a switch is flipped and they turn into horny sex monsters.  Who send inappropriate pictures of themselves.  Or they're in prison.  Or married.  Or out of the country... Yeah so my ego is a little messed up right now. 


Of course this isn't where my energy or attention needs to be.  It needs to be on preparing my house for sale, and moving, and starting my business.  But everyone needs a little pick me up, a little distraction from time to time.  Something to spur me on through what is easily the hardest thing I've done maybe ever.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to walk away from the life that I had.  I realize it was broken, but I would have fixed it.  It didn't belong in the trash.  But that is where I am finding myself.  Alone.  In a house far too big for me.  With kids that don't even seem to like me most days (why would they when dad's house is so much more fun)...  This too shall pass, right???

Summertime and the living is... busy!

Gershwin was clearly writing about a different time and place when he wrote his beautiful song "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess.  The living around here is far from easy; we are busier than ever!  We have been going non-stop since we entered summer proper.  Pool and birthday parties, fun with friends, and working to ready our house for sale.  I think I mentioned that it is official, I have to sell the house.  It is bittersweet.  I look around and feel so good about this home.  It is a really good one with great neighbors.  But there are a whole lot of memories here that I'd prefer to forget, energy that I simply can't escape, and let's face it, this is WAY too much house for just me and the kids as we stand today.  I'm actually excited to downsize and start from scratch.  Create a home that is just mine and the kids from the start.  No dirt left in the cracks from days gone by that hurt my heart.


With that said, there is SO incredibly much work to be done to ready this house for sale.  Mostly cleaning and packing to declutter and show off the wonderful space that is here.  Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it in.  On top of that, I am investigating an interesting business possibility.  Something I could do from the comfort of my own home, possibly even make enough to support myself in the not too distant future.  It will require some focused time from me so I know I can't start it until after we have moved and possibly the kids are in school. But I can have everything in place ready to move forward when I'm ready.  So think good thoughts for me!  A quick sale on my house for a great price, and success on my business.


Other than all that I'm trying to give my kids a wonderful last summer in this home, with lots of pool time, facepainting, arts and crafts, and play dates galore. Time to heal from this horrible experience.

Jane- get me off this crazy thing!

I seem to be living on a roller coaster.  Just when I think I've reached the end, I discover there is yet another hill to climb, with the twists and turns ahead unseen.  Will it be a simple drop?  Will my life throw me upside down?  All I know is to hang on tight and trust.


Today I had my ultrasound.  The procedure itself took maybe 10 minutes at most, but the appointment took approximately 2.5 hours.  Most of that time was spent waiting.  Waiting at the doctors is bad enough, but add in what us survivors call "scanxiety" and you've got a rough chunk of time.  As soon as the techs came back into my room and said "the radiologist will meet with you but she wanted me to do a quick scan of your armpit" (to look for lymphnode concerns), I knew the news wasn't "all clear."  So I was braced for our conversation.


Finally after probably an hour in their freezing waiting room (where they were out of hot water so I couldn't even make tea) I was called in.  The doctor informed me that she thinks it is just fat necrosis and/or scar tissue (normal for my type of reconstruction... or really anyone who has had surgeries).  She isn't worried, but they have to biopsy it to be totally sure.


I said that I figured I would have to have a biopsy, so I was somewhat already prepared for that.  But the "what" of the biopsy has really thrown me for a loop.  I thought it was on my left side, due to the "noise" they saw last year.  It wasn't.  Then I thought it was something new on the right side- a "mass" that had been in existence and grown.  I'm unclear here.  Then I thought it wasn't that but in fact a lymphnode that had changed size.  It isn't that either.  Now I am back to thinking it is a mass, sort of.  On the original cancer side.  But if it existed previously, no one thought it was worth examining.  That doesn't seem likely to me.  So understanding how they typically deal with me, the best I can understand is that this is something that didn't exist before, and now does.  It looks on the images like fat necrosis or scar tissue from surgery.  None of my doctors are worried.  But we have to biopsy it to be 100% sure that there is in fact nothing to worry about.


Meanwhile I am mentally preparing to sell my house.  Making a list of all the million and one things I need to accomplish (paint, clean, pack, replace fire alarms, etc) and at the same time look for a new house to buy.  I had been looking at one out near my sister for awhile.  Today the kids and I drove by it (well, sort of).  Turns out it is up an epic hill.  I didn't feel safe taking my silly minivan all the way up the driveway so we only sort of glimpsed at what we think was the house.  And it isn't something I could deal with every day.  I know it is silly but it disappointed me.  I trust that we will end up in the right place, but it is a scary process.  I care less about the house than I did the first time I did this.  It can be a cosmetic disaster and that is fine with me as long as it is functional.  But the location is really important since I could be in the house till my kids are grown at least.  Alone no less.


And really, that is what all of this comes down to.  I am feeling really alone.  I have amazing friends and family.  I know the support is there, but I miss what I believed I had.  A partner in my corner.  Someone who was sharing life's trials and tribulations with me.  Someone whose hand I could grab, or would laugh with me when those great roller coaster moments hit.  The fact is that I didn't really have that.  I thought I did, and may have at one point, but it has been years since that person was there.  I've been alone for a great deal longer than I have actually been alone.  Still, it doesn't really change the feeling of loss.  Even if I'd never really had it, I believed that I did and I miss that feeling.


I am tired.  Worn out, beat down, exhausted.  And what is worse, is within all of this, I am feeling the love and appreciation for the house I am in.  The home that was created here.  The neighbors I trust and know.  I know it is time to move on, but that makes my heart ache too.  I am just ready for life to hand me a lollipop instead of lemons.  I make a mean lemonade, but I seem to be running out of sugar....

Picked up and Dusted off

Well the cancer scare got worse before it got better. I called to make my ultrasound appointment, heard the word "mass" and in reference to the original cancer side, and then had to go through all of the reports with my doctors office to figure out that in fact what we are looking into isn't the "noise" they saw on the MRI a year ago, nor a "mass" but in fact a lymph node that they have been watching from the beginning and has a propensity to change sizes.  I won't get into the nitty gritty but essentially now I'm not worried.  I still have to have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and welcome your thoughts and prayers for nothing to be found, but also feel confident that it was enlarged due to the nasty infection I had fought only a week prior.


Still, this week beat me down.  The cancer scare, the ex and his girlfriend, and finally meeting with real estate agents to discuss the sale of my home, was a lot of emotional weight to manage.  By the time Friday afternoon rolled around, I crashed and crashed hard. 


Gratefully this weekend was full of sweetness and blessings.  We spent Saturday morning playing at the pool with friends.  Then my kids noni arrived and we enjoyed lunch together and a quiet afternoon and evening.  I love this woman and am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.  Sunday we enjoyed a visit to the farmers market where the kids were spoiled with waffles and jumpy houses and pony rides, and then it was family dinner and Bella's preschool graduation.  I know, preschool graduation is so silly, but so so adorable.  I loved every second of it.  My girl was so happy and strong and confident.  She loved being celebrated by her family and I loved it too.


So although this summer has a lot of work in store for me (I really really hate moving) I can't wait to move on from my "family" home to a new home that is untouched by the pain of the past.  I can't wait to get my kids settled into kindergarten and preschool and watch them grow and thrive.  I can't wait to figure out who I am and who I want to be.  To find things in my life that are just mine to support my kids.  To find a rhythm and beauty to our new life.  I find new strength in myself every day and am so incredibly grateful for the amazing people I carry in my heart.  So no, cancer, divorce, betrayal, moving... None of you get to break me.  I am a survivor.

With a little help from my friends...

Clearly I had a melt down earlier today.  My triggers lessen each and every day.  Even when something comes up that still doesn't sit well with me, I am not pushed over the edge like I used to be by most of them.  My children sharing a bed with the woman who fully participated in the destruction of my family unit?  Yeah, that will definitely do it... But I'm not writing to discuss that again, I promise.  Instead I get to acknowledge the beauty of the community I am in today.  I have such phenomenal friends that I can show up with my kids to their house, with a melt down in progress (and admittedly a bottle of wine with this particular friend) and be welcomed, supported, and talked off the ledge.  Tonight I had made arrangements to have dinner at my friend Jasmine's house.  Our kids play awesome together, and we have been friends (albeit with a few intermissions) since the second grade.  The best kind of family in my opinion.  The plans were made when I was actually in a decent mood.  So when I showed up in a tizzy, with a bottle of wine in hand, she gladly joked about how I could deal with this situation, shared a glass of wine with me, fed me and my kids dinner, and reminded me that I am not alone.  Sounds schmaltzy written like that, which she would totally not approve of, but the fact is, I am insanely grateful and lucky to have her in my life.  And I have others that I could have done the same thing with.  People who would show up for me in a heartbeat.  Who are happy to support me in both my moments of weakness, and my spiritual zen ninja moments of greatness.  Friendship was always a struggle for me growing up and well into adulthood.  Now, here I stand with everything I thought I knew in shambles around me, but with some of the best, strongest friendships I have every experienced.  I feel phenomenally lucky for this.  I still see that bright light, even when it is eclipsed by daily darkness.  I know it is there for me and my kids.  And the beauty and strength of these amazing friendships that I hold is all the proof that I need that there is some sort of god(dess). =)

Progress

It is always said when something major happens in life to "just give it time" because really, time heals all wounds, and changes things, even if imperceptibly.  This weekend has been one of those moments for me where I am finally feeling those changes shifting internally.  I'm discovering my blocks and need for time for myself.  For the first time in, well, forever, I actually had the thought that maybe I wanted to be single for awhile.  Not exactly because it is nice to have someone to spend time with, but in the sense that I'm not sure I have enough to give beyond that.  I am mentally preparing to sell my house, working on talking to some agents to get that going, and will be physically doing the work next.  There is a lot to do.  And then of course there is finding a new house, always a process, and of course, moving!  All of which I need to make happen prior to the end of August so that we are situated for the kids to start school.  This is going to be quite a summer.  Finding a job is also a priority, also hoping to start just after the kids start school (early September ideally).  As all of this comes into place for me, I have simply realized that I really do need to make myself my priority.  Tough when those kid free weekends come around and I want someone to spend time with, to entertain me, to have fun.  Regardless, time is healing my wounds and shifting my priorities to where I suspect they need to be.  I see so much brightness in my future despite having no idea what it may look like.  I am so confident that I am going to be immensely happy moving forward.  So thank you time.  You are the toughest pill to swallow but the greatest medicine of all.