Falling in love

I want to fall in love.  I know, odd since I just posted yesterday about how I am not ready for a relationship.  But I look around, I see pictures on facebook, and everywhere I look, I see couples.  I know the reality under it all, so it isn't that I believe everything I see.  But I do know what it feels like to be in love.  And I miss that.  I miss feeling like my heart is pouring out of my eyes when I look at someone.  I miss being in someone's arms when I sleep at night.  I miss having that one person who wants to be with you above all else.


I know it will come when it is time, and I am super clear that it isn't time yet.  I also know that the distractions I've been trying to hold that space with simply don't work.  And as hard as the emptiness is, it is what I need to come to terms with.


So my next thought is that I need to fall in love with myself.  I've been trying in truth.  I've been dating myself for about a year now, and I think it is going well.  I enjoy my own company.  I think I'm funny and have excellent taste.  I like all the same things as me and am even discovering some new things that I didn't know I enjoyed.  The only trouble is I can't quite wrap my arms around myself at night.  There is no extra warmth when I share my bed with me.  And when I talk to myself, I frequently get funny looks from other people.


So what comes next?  How do I make my life what I want it to be?  I know it can't be forced, but how do I find happiness and contentment in this space?  I know that my life is pretty darn good.  I have no real world problems, only first world problems.  I am educated and skilled and could likely go out and get any number of jobs quite easily tomorrow.  I have food in my refrigerator and a beautiful home.  I have two children who love me, and I them.  I have wonderful friends and family who have my back.  I have many comforts beyond this that the vast majority of the people in this world do not have.  And yet, with all of that, I still feel lonely.  I used to tell my ex that I didn't care what he did for a living.  If he was miserable (and he was) he should just quit his job.  The worst that would happen would be that we would lose our home and have to live in some crappy apartment together.  But we would be together.  I know he never believed me since he liked the trappings of our life as much as I did.  But I always meant it.  And to this day I mean it.  I know the value of having love in your life.  It is the people and the relationships that matter.  And it is something I miss deeply.


This is where the what ifs start to play in my head.  What if I don't meet anyone to share my life with?  What if it is just me and my kids now?  What if once they leave, it is just me?  Can I be happy?  Although I am certain I could be happy, and will find my way to enjoying my life as it is, I don't believe I will be satisfied being alone.  I used to imagine my adult life alone.  I never imagined a partner for myself until much later in life (of course that was because I was going to be too busy with my starring broadway career)...  My imagined successful life was a beautiful NYC apartment, with a performing career and a dog.  I lived alone in that dream.  But now that I have had enjoyed a taste of partnership, togetherness and true love, I feel incomplete without it.  Don't get me wrong, I am a whole person.  I have interests and friends and a life that is pretty full and great.  But having that person by your side, makes it all worth more.


So here I am, walking through the in between.  My life isn't what it was but not what it yet will be.  It is an uncomfortable place for me.  And my distractions have all abandoned me.  The question is- what is it I am supposed to be focusing on?  What is it that I am supposed to be working on?  I've been sitting in this awfully uncomfortable space for some time now and I'm losing my patience for it.  I need movement. 

Trying to trust, but really FREAKING OUT

So life is pretty overwhelming for me right now.  I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of the end of my marriage.  He is with the woman he had an affair with and I am reminded every single day.  My kids talk about her and her daughter.  Old friends are spending time with them.  I have to remember that he isn't only thinking about himself and me and our kids, because he has a new partner that is in his ear about life decisions.  If I make a "bad" move or choice, it just adds fuel to the fire for why I shouldn't be taken care of.  I am on the edge of breaking every single day.  But somehow I find the strength to carry on, hold my head up, and start over each morning.  I'm not wishing to win him back, but I miss what I thought I had every day.  I have a moment of sadness for future lost every day.


Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house.  The house that was supposed to be our family home.  The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in.  To hold our family holidays in.  The house that was our home.  The house he left me in.  Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal.  I see things I would do differently.  I envision a backyard to play in.  Lights strung up across the pool.  Family photos on the walls.  But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale.  I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily.  Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row.  Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout.  Really?  Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything.  And we put quite a bit of work in too.  It isn't in "need" of anything.  It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque.  And there is more than enough room for anyone.  They just don't have the imagination for it.  I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously.  So frustrating.  And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same.  But there is nothing I can do about that now.  I just have to wait.  And trust.


And then there is kindergarten.  Had another reminder today.  Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence.  That we are selling.  And moving out of.  The school I don't really want her to go to.  But I'm not in contract anywhere else.  And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house.  And school starts in less than two weeks.  So what do I do??????????  Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in?  Register her based on that?  Move her later?  Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????


Then there is this business that I am starting.  And NEED to start because we really need the income.  I am so worried that I don't have what it takes.  It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate.  What if I screw it up?  I really need this to work.  I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet.  I want it to work out.  I want it to be amazing.  But I am so scared...


I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with.  And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay.  And that I am loved and loveable.  And worth fighting for.  And not easy to leave.  I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve.  But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it.  And my insides still hurt so badly.  I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it.  Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.

Ego Bashing

Between divorce and dating my ego has taken a thorough bashing over the last couple of weeks.  I'm not sure what it is about me but for some reason online dating seems to only bring me men that want to sleep with me.  Not even take me on a date first, just sleep with me.  Although at first that wasn't an issue because I needed that sexual confidence again; to believe that I was desirable and had something interesting to offer.  Now though I just want more.  Not the next love of my life, but someone who wants to hang out with me.  Go to dinner or a show, or anything really.  The intimacy is a natural part of it, but apparently the other is hard to find.  I frankly don't understand it.  I'm not looking for love and marriage here- what's wrong with a little food or drink together?


Meanwhile I've had to spend all this time with the ex this week as we prepare the house for sale.  I was reminded what a great team we make.  How many memories we share.  We even had some really good conversations about things moving forward that needed to happen.  At one point we were talking about painting and what a pain it is.  He was making fun of himself (he is really not good at painting) and commented on how he did a bad job the first time he painted the family room and that's when he was trying to do a good job to impress me.  I laughed and said "you never tried to impress me"... He said he did.  That all his "little projects" around the house, there was always a piece that was trying to impress me.  When he said this it broke my heart.  Further proof of how terrible our communication and understanding of one another was.  I truly never felt that anything he did was about me.  I didn't feel like he was trying to impress me in any way.  He did what suited him and possibly factored me in, but that was the extent.  Don't get me wrong, occasionally there were things he did for me of course, but I definitely never felt as though he was trying to impress me.  If only he knew how much I loved him then.  The people we have become today definitely do not belong together.  But that love, in the past, was real and powerful... And then he called his girlfriend.  Yeah.  That hurt.


And this is where my stupid ego comes into play again.  I don't want a relationship and all it entails.  Not right now.  But I want someone calling me, wanting to see me and spend time with me.  And I don't have that.  Not like that.  I am blessed to have amazing friends and family that fill that hole currently, but it is different.  Having that one person who just wants to make you smile, and you feel the same.  That's special.


So I go back to the dating world.  The "friends" I have are all wrapped up in their own lives right now.  No one is seeking me out.  The only guys reaching out to me want sex and nothing more.  And the one guy I was connected to that I actually felt some chemistry with, ended up reacting to me almost identically to my ex, which sent me into those old habits and behaviors.  Suffice it to say, I will not be seeing him again.  Not that he was really trying to see me any way.  And that's what sucks.  New guys come around.  They are interested for a minute, and then disappear.  Some pursue me with great vigor and even make a date, and then just stop replying.  Others never make it to actually asking me out but suddenly a switch is flipped and they turn into horny sex monsters.  Who send inappropriate pictures of themselves.  Or they're in prison.  Or married.  Or out of the country... Yeah so my ego is a little messed up right now. 


Of course this isn't where my energy or attention needs to be.  It needs to be on preparing my house for sale, and moving, and starting my business.  But everyone needs a little pick me up, a little distraction from time to time.  Something to spur me on through what is easily the hardest thing I've done maybe ever.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to walk away from the life that I had.  I realize it was broken, but I would have fixed it.  It didn't belong in the trash.  But that is where I am finding myself.  Alone.  In a house far too big for me.  With kids that don't even seem to like me most days (why would they when dad's house is so much more fun)...  This too shall pass, right???

Cancer Update

I just realized that I never posted the update regarding my biopsy!  I don't have cancer!  lol  Hopefully you assumed that since I wasn't writing at all.  I did have to have a biopsy.  I went in, brought my dad with me for moral support, and of course they were ridiculously behind so we waited... and waited.... and waited...  Once they brought me in they informed me that they were going to try to simply aspirate the "mass" because they believed it was fat.  This is the difference between a pretty solid mass and a not so solid mass from what I can tell.  They can aspirate something that is not so solid, but if it is solid they need to do a core needle biopsy and leave a tracker so they know where they were.  Well in my case they were able to aspirate the whole thing!  The doctor looked at the "mass" in the tube, looked at me and said "it's fat.  I still have to send it in, but it's fat"... I got the call and yes indeed, it was totally and completely benign.  They barely even had to put a bandaid on the spot they poked.


So although life continues to be completely and totally insane for me, it is not my health that is an issue.  Hooray!  And I even get to wait a full year before my next MRI.  Good news all around.

Summertime and the living is... busy!

Gershwin was clearly writing about a different time and place when he wrote his beautiful song "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess.  The living around here is far from easy; we are busier than ever!  We have been going non-stop since we entered summer proper.  Pool and birthday parties, fun with friends, and working to ready our house for sale.  I think I mentioned that it is official, I have to sell the house.  It is bittersweet.  I look around and feel so good about this home.  It is a really good one with great neighbors.  But there are a whole lot of memories here that I'd prefer to forget, energy that I simply can't escape, and let's face it, this is WAY too much house for just me and the kids as we stand today.  I'm actually excited to downsize and start from scratch.  Create a home that is just mine and the kids from the start.  No dirt left in the cracks from days gone by that hurt my heart.


With that said, there is SO incredibly much work to be done to ready this house for sale.  Mostly cleaning and packing to declutter and show off the wonderful space that is here.  Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it in.  On top of that, I am investigating an interesting business possibility.  Something I could do from the comfort of my own home, possibly even make enough to support myself in the not too distant future.  It will require some focused time from me so I know I can't start it until after we have moved and possibly the kids are in school. But I can have everything in place ready to move forward when I'm ready.  So think good thoughts for me!  A quick sale on my house for a great price, and success on my business.


Other than all that I'm trying to give my kids a wonderful last summer in this home, with lots of pool time, facepainting, arts and crafts, and play dates galore. Time to heal from this horrible experience.

Jane- get me off this crazy thing!

I seem to be living on a roller coaster.  Just when I think I've reached the end, I discover there is yet another hill to climb, with the twists and turns ahead unseen.  Will it be a simple drop?  Will my life throw me upside down?  All I know is to hang on tight and trust.


Today I had my ultrasound.  The procedure itself took maybe 10 minutes at most, but the appointment took approximately 2.5 hours.  Most of that time was spent waiting.  Waiting at the doctors is bad enough, but add in what us survivors call "scanxiety" and you've got a rough chunk of time.  As soon as the techs came back into my room and said "the radiologist will meet with you but she wanted me to do a quick scan of your armpit" (to look for lymphnode concerns), I knew the news wasn't "all clear."  So I was braced for our conversation.


Finally after probably an hour in their freezing waiting room (where they were out of hot water so I couldn't even make tea) I was called in.  The doctor informed me that she thinks it is just fat necrosis and/or scar tissue (normal for my type of reconstruction... or really anyone who has had surgeries).  She isn't worried, but they have to biopsy it to be totally sure.


I said that I figured I would have to have a biopsy, so I was somewhat already prepared for that.  But the "what" of the biopsy has really thrown me for a loop.  I thought it was on my left side, due to the "noise" they saw last year.  It wasn't.  Then I thought it was something new on the right side- a "mass" that had been in existence and grown.  I'm unclear here.  Then I thought it wasn't that but in fact a lymphnode that had changed size.  It isn't that either.  Now I am back to thinking it is a mass, sort of.  On the original cancer side.  But if it existed previously, no one thought it was worth examining.  That doesn't seem likely to me.  So understanding how they typically deal with me, the best I can understand is that this is something that didn't exist before, and now does.  It looks on the images like fat necrosis or scar tissue from surgery.  None of my doctors are worried.  But we have to biopsy it to be 100% sure that there is in fact nothing to worry about.


Meanwhile I am mentally preparing to sell my house.  Making a list of all the million and one things I need to accomplish (paint, clean, pack, replace fire alarms, etc) and at the same time look for a new house to buy.  I had been looking at one out near my sister for awhile.  Today the kids and I drove by it (well, sort of).  Turns out it is up an epic hill.  I didn't feel safe taking my silly minivan all the way up the driveway so we only sort of glimpsed at what we think was the house.  And it isn't something I could deal with every day.  I know it is silly but it disappointed me.  I trust that we will end up in the right place, but it is a scary process.  I care less about the house than I did the first time I did this.  It can be a cosmetic disaster and that is fine with me as long as it is functional.  But the location is really important since I could be in the house till my kids are grown at least.  Alone no less.


And really, that is what all of this comes down to.  I am feeling really alone.  I have amazing friends and family.  I know the support is there, but I miss what I believed I had.  A partner in my corner.  Someone who was sharing life's trials and tribulations with me.  Someone whose hand I could grab, or would laugh with me when those great roller coaster moments hit.  The fact is that I didn't really have that.  I thought I did, and may have at one point, but it has been years since that person was there.  I've been alone for a great deal longer than I have actually been alone.  Still, it doesn't really change the feeling of loss.  Even if I'd never really had it, I believed that I did and I miss that feeling.


I am tired.  Worn out, beat down, exhausted.  And what is worse, is within all of this, I am feeling the love and appreciation for the house I am in.  The home that was created here.  The neighbors I trust and know.  I know it is time to move on, but that makes my heart ache too.  I am just ready for life to hand me a lollipop instead of lemons.  I make a mean lemonade, but I seem to be running out of sugar....

Picked up and Dusted off

Well the cancer scare got worse before it got better. I called to make my ultrasound appointment, heard the word "mass" and in reference to the original cancer side, and then had to go through all of the reports with my doctors office to figure out that in fact what we are looking into isn't the "noise" they saw on the MRI a year ago, nor a "mass" but in fact a lymph node that they have been watching from the beginning and has a propensity to change sizes.  I won't get into the nitty gritty but essentially now I'm not worried.  I still have to have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and welcome your thoughts and prayers for nothing to be found, but also feel confident that it was enlarged due to the nasty infection I had fought only a week prior.


Still, this week beat me down.  The cancer scare, the ex and his girlfriend, and finally meeting with real estate agents to discuss the sale of my home, was a lot of emotional weight to manage.  By the time Friday afternoon rolled around, I crashed and crashed hard. 


Gratefully this weekend was full of sweetness and blessings.  We spent Saturday morning playing at the pool with friends.  Then my kids noni arrived and we enjoyed lunch together and a quiet afternoon and evening.  I love this woman and am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.  Sunday we enjoyed a visit to the farmers market where the kids were spoiled with waffles and jumpy houses and pony rides, and then it was family dinner and Bella's preschool graduation.  I know, preschool graduation is so silly, but so so adorable.  I loved every second of it.  My girl was so happy and strong and confident.  She loved being celebrated by her family and I loved it too.


So although this summer has a lot of work in store for me (I really really hate moving) I can't wait to move on from my "family" home to a new home that is untouched by the pain of the past.  I can't wait to get my kids settled into kindergarten and preschool and watch them grow and thrive.  I can't wait to figure out who I am and who I want to be.  To find things in my life that are just mine to support my kids.  To find a rhythm and beauty to our new life.  I find new strength in myself every day and am so incredibly grateful for the amazing people I carry in my heart.  So no, cancer, divorce, betrayal, moving... None of you get to break me.  I am a survivor.

exhausted

I had great intentions of going to bed early tonight.  I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night and have a lot on my plate tomorrow.  I should already be asleep for that matter.  But the truth is, I am emotionally wounded.  I am beat down, ground to a pulp, exhausted.  I have been working incredibly hard to just keep myself afloat.  To slowly climb out of the emotional hell I have been in for the last 2-3 years... no strike that, the last 5 years.  Battling a natural inclination for depression and anxiety is hard enough, add on the challenging early years of children, cancer, betrayal by affair, and finally divorce, and I'm lucky I still have a smile on my face most days.  I have minor wounds attacking me daily.  My kids talking incessantly about their dad and his girlfriend.  Struggling to stay on top of the never ending housework with no one in the house to participate.  Quiet nights when my kids have gone to bed and all I want is someone to snuggle with and watch some mindless entertainment.  Hearing about friends date nights with their spouses.  It is all those little things that add up to a dull ache in my heart and an awful lot of loneliness.  But I push through because I know it isn't forever.  And my kids deserve a happy mommy, even if it is happy but alone.  So I push forward.  I am looking for a job, despite wanting to give my time to my kids.  I am selling my house despite knowing that keeping it would be a better financial decision to stay in the long term.  I trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel of this process, because, well, there has to be.  And then I am dealt yet another blow.  A suspicious MRI that will result in a biopsy, either via ultrasound or MRI.  Best case, they see nothing on ultrasound or mammogram and I have to move on to an MRI guided biopsy which is apparently really uncomfortable for the patient.  Worst case, they see something on ultrasound and do the biopsy the "easy" way (which still hurts quite a bit) but pretty much would be indicative of cancer.  I'm doing my very best to not future trip about the possibility of cancer.  The fact is that whatever it will be, it already is.  I have no control over it, and worrying will only make this process more hellish.  But even without the possibility of this being a really big deal, just the process of making sure it isn't a really big deal is pretty awful.  One more thing on top of an already full plate, particularly when it comes to my emotional load.  A true partner would be such a huge benefit right now, because that is when sorrow shared is less.  But I am my own partner for now and will utilize the amazing friends and community I have in my life as I can.  I trust that no matter what, best case or worst case, I will survive and ultimately thrive in this crazy crazy life I'm living.

With a little help from my friends...

Clearly I had a melt down earlier today.  My triggers lessen each and every day.  Even when something comes up that still doesn't sit well with me, I am not pushed over the edge like I used to be by most of them.  My children sharing a bed with the woman who fully participated in the destruction of my family unit?  Yeah, that will definitely do it... But I'm not writing to discuss that again, I promise.  Instead I get to acknowledge the beauty of the community I am in today.  I have such phenomenal friends that I can show up with my kids to their house, with a melt down in progress (and admittedly a bottle of wine with this particular friend) and be welcomed, supported, and talked off the ledge.  Tonight I had made arrangements to have dinner at my friend Jasmine's house.  Our kids play awesome together, and we have been friends (albeit with a few intermissions) since the second grade.  The best kind of family in my opinion.  The plans were made when I was actually in a decent mood.  So when I showed up in a tizzy, with a bottle of wine in hand, she gladly joked about how I could deal with this situation, shared a glass of wine with me, fed me and my kids dinner, and reminded me that I am not alone.  Sounds schmaltzy written like that, which she would totally not approve of, but the fact is, I am insanely grateful and lucky to have her in my life.  And I have others that I could have done the same thing with.  People who would show up for me in a heartbeat.  Who are happy to support me in both my moments of weakness, and my spiritual zen ninja moments of greatness.  Friendship was always a struggle for me growing up and well into adulthood.  Now, here I stand with everything I thought I knew in shambles around me, but with some of the best, strongest friendships I have every experienced.  I feel phenomenally lucky for this.  I still see that bright light, even when it is eclipsed by daily darkness.  I know it is there for me and my kids.  And the beauty and strength of these amazing friendships that I hold is all the proof that I need that there is some sort of god(dess). =)

How to cope?

I am really struggling with something right now.  The ex husband is actively and publicly dating his affair partner.  This in an of itself is an ego blow, but manageable.  Now, however, he is very consistently bringing her around my children.  Last week when I was sick with the flu, the four of them went out to dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant (where we are known by name and our kids have their own special dishes).  She spends the night at his place when they are there, though had been sleeping on the couch.  Still not great, but something I was dealing with.  Just moments ago I heard my daughter telling my mom about how the other woman and her daughter spent the night this weekend with them.  After they were done talking, I asked her what their sleeping arrangements were.  She informed me that all five of them shared a bed.  I am so uncomfortable with this.  This woman has already "stolen" my husband and now she is worming her way into my children's lives.  I don't like or respect her.  I don't care for how she parents (this was true before the affair) or how she chooses to live her life.  I believe she is an immoral person.  I feel many of these things about the ex too (increasingly) but he is their dad, so we deal.  I just can't seem to deal with the fact that I can't protect my children from people I think are bad influences.  Any other circumstance and I would have that ability.  But because he decided to end our marriage, I lost this ability.


So I am genuinely asking- how do I cope with this?  How do I find a way to be okay with the fact that this woman who actively participated in the destruction of my family is sharing a bed with my children?  Nothing about this situation is okay with me.  I have no idea how to do this.  I have no desire to share my life with him anymore.  He has shown me, repeatedly, how badly matched we are now.  I am not jealous of her because she has him.  But my ego HATES that she "won" when she never deserved to even be in play.  And now, she not only gets my husband, but my children too???  Where is the justice in this life?  I am truly angry and heartbroken and know that I have no power whatsoever.  It may be the worst feeling I've experienced to date- and I had cancer.

Progress

It is always said when something major happens in life to "just give it time" because really, time heals all wounds, and changes things, even if imperceptibly.  This weekend has been one of those moments for me where I am finally feeling those changes shifting internally.  I'm discovering my blocks and need for time for myself.  For the first time in, well, forever, I actually had the thought that maybe I wanted to be single for awhile.  Not exactly because it is nice to have someone to spend time with, but in the sense that I'm not sure I have enough to give beyond that.  I am mentally preparing to sell my house, working on talking to some agents to get that going, and will be physically doing the work next.  There is a lot to do.  And then of course there is finding a new house, always a process, and of course, moving!  All of which I need to make happen prior to the end of August so that we are situated for the kids to start school.  This is going to be quite a summer.  Finding a job is also a priority, also hoping to start just after the kids start school (early September ideally).  As all of this comes into place for me, I have simply realized that I really do need to make myself my priority.  Tough when those kid free weekends come around and I want someone to spend time with, to entertain me, to have fun.  Regardless, time is healing my wounds and shifting my priorities to where I suspect they need to be.  I see so much brightness in my future despite having no idea what it may look like.  I am so confident that I am going to be immensely happy moving forward.  So thank you time.  You are the toughest pill to swallow but the greatest medicine of all.

The only way to heal is time but...

I knew that the greatest healing from the affair and end of my marriage would come with time. I didn't expect to shake it off and be a shiny happy new me all of the sudden. And of course, that is true. But what I wasn't prepared for were the ways the wound would get scraped open time and again in a million different ways, preventing the slow healing of time.

Today would have been our wedding anniversary. That alone had me a little triggered but I was doing alright. The kids were sick and needed their mama. I took them in to urgent care this afternoon due to a clear ear infection in Gio. On our way we drove passed our favorite sushi place and Bella mentions that she went to sushi with daddy. She then proceeds to tell me that, and this is hard to tell me, they didn't go alone. Nope, daddy brought his girlfriend. So the four of them had a lovely family dinner together. Its like a hot poker to my stomach.

This was after a conversation in which Bella told me I should have just asked him to stay. Just told him not to leave, because he doesn't say no to adults. I told her I tried for a whole year but that daddy wanted to go. Then she said maybe she should have asked him to stay. I told her there was nothing she could have done and that he didn't leave her. If he could have them every day he would, but then I would miss her. So we have to take turns. This whole conversation felt like an ice pick drilling into my head. Things you never want to say to your children for $1000 please Alex!

On top of all of this is seeing the friends and family you've "lost" in this process moving on with their lives. Having events or outings that you would have been invited to, but are no longer. Thinking about events coming up in my life and wondering what the guest list should look like. For as amazing as my community is today, it still hurts to let people go. And my ego really hates feeling like anyone is choosing him over me. Doesn't everyone know I'm the injured party here? That he's the meanie who hurt me?!?!? I'm kidding... Well sort of. I know life and relationships simply aren't that black and white. But it doesn't make it any easier to take.

So as the wound is ripped open, time and again, I wonder how long this healing will take. I know I'm not there yet, and that's okay, but I would really like to not feel like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on every time I hear about my kids spending time with the woman that scorned me. Surely that's not asking too much seeing as my choice to have them around her has been taken away from me.  At least the universe could help it not hurt so badly...

Family

Today is the third day I've spent in bed. I apparently have some throat infection and a sinus infection. Now that I'm on antibiotics I'm hoping I'll feel better soon. It threw a major wrench in my plans however. I had a concert to go to tonight, and then was taking the kids camping for the weekend. I was really excited for all of it. Feeling like the end of my marriage wasn't the end of my life.

Instead, laying here by myself, I am just so sad. A year ago my house would have been filled with the sounds and smells of a family. My mom probably would have made soup, the kids would have been running around playing. Nick would have been attempting to wear them out for bedtime with a dance party. I would have likely been grumpy because I just wanted some peace and quiet so I could rest and feel better. Well, I have my peace and quiet, and I'd gladly take back my family. Clearly not as it was. We were broken. But what it could have been. I know it hasn't been that long, but I don't do alone very well. I miss living with a family. People to share your life with. People who are concerned if you slept all day and ate nothing. I don't know at what point our society decided that single family homes were the way to go, but it definitely does not work for me. I want a compound with people I can count on,and who can count on me. Where there is love, and noise, and craziness. Peace and quiet has its time and place but love and laughter will heal me faster.

Struggling today

I've had a number of emotional triggers come up for me recently. Today they seem to be compounding, leaving me feeling depleted and heartachey. As with any major transition in life, I'm experiencing the migration of relationships. When you get into a serious relationship, like marriage, you tend to have other "couple" friends. Then you have kids, and it may change again. Now, as I walk through this process of separating out my life to be my own again, without a partner, I'm finding some relationships are newly important, while others fall by the wayside. None of this surprises me and I'm mostly okay with these transitions. Still, it hurts to let people go. I can't help but wonder why I'm not being reached out to, or invited to things, or even worse why some people have elected to just stop being in my life altogether. How it could be that any of these people, who know the story of what happened to my marriage, could choose to keep him in their lives while cutting me out. It feels like one more loss on top so many others.

Speaking of loss, I'm fairly certain we will be selling the house. The market is really hot, so most likely it will sell for an outstanding price. The main issue will be getting into something else once I do. But I am looking to downsize into a better school district which will be good for the kids. And it will be only mine. There wont be any ghosts of cancer, a failed marriage, or people no longer here. I can start from scratch and take true ownership of my space. Make it my sacred, healing, wonderful, home.

So friends, picture me and my babies in a lovely, warm home, after an easy transition.

Truth

**I am oddly nervous about posting this. I welcome comments, but ask for your support in sharing this.**

After one of the more difficult few days that I've had, I've come to the conclusion that it is time to share the truth about my story. I'm not sure why I was withholding the cause for the end of my marriage. If I was trying to protect him or me. Or if I thought there was some other reason to keep the information private. But as someone who lives my life fairly open, I think it is time to let this secrecy go.

The truth is that he had an affair. It started when I was pregnant with our son. Less than a year after finishing treatment for breast cancer, battling through a difficult second pregnancy, and my husband emotionally left me. I was accused of not being a fully participating partner. Of not engaging him enough in the ways he desired. Not getting healthy, physically or emotionally. Not respecting his needs because I couldn't keep a clean house. The list goes on. I was the problem. The villain, demanding much and giving little.

I spent a year and a half skimming the truth I knew in my heart. I knew he wasn't with me. I didn't want to accuse him of disloyalty because he had been faithful for so long. But in my heart and my gut I simply knew he had given himself elsewhere. Finally after our son turned one, I knew it was time to ask directly. I did, and he answered (somewhat) honestly.

I had spent so much time processing the idea on my own that I already knew I would fight for my marriage. We went to counseling and I started fighting for myself again. Although he insisted it had been months since they had been together and he just needed to figure out how he felt about me, I knew he wasn't engaging in our marriage with any intent to save it. He just didn't seem able to let his guard down and allow his heart to return to me.

We went back and forth for many months. After discovering he was still talking to his affair partner (again) we decided to separate. I thought just maybe, seeing what he had to lose he would snap out of whatever place he had gone to. But the issues got worse, not better. Finally after I informed him that I had no intention of asking him for a divorce because I didn't want one, he told me he wanted out.

He never truly stopped interacting with his affair partner and is in fact openly dating her now. And is even forging a relationship between her daughter and our children. It has been heartbreaking for me, my children, and our families and friends.

Silver lining? I am getting back what I lost through the years in our relationship, and some things that I never had. I'm discovering my strength, my passion, my beauty. I'm also getting (another) opportunity to experience how amazing my community is. I am immensely lucky to have the people in my life that I do. My friendships are officially forged in fire and stronger than ever.

This is as far from my imagined life as I could get. I never expected to live the suburban life. I didn't plan to marry or have children until later in life- maybe. And I now know that when I took my marriage vows, I meant them. Divorce wasn't really an option to me. Once I love someone I love them and will fight for them. At times, even if it isn't in my own best interest.

I have embraced my identity as a warrior. I see my strength. I hope I can stop proving it and have my life become easier and gentle, but I know I can survive just about anything.

The Mommyhood

There is a movement, particularly in the social media world, to end what has been dubbed the "mommy wars".  (If you haven't seen the Similac commercial, watch it here, now!)  It was historically quite normal to see divides among mothers for their parenting choices.  Those who breastfed looked down on those who bottle fed.  Those who worked looked down on stay at home moms as women, and those who stayed home looked down on working moms as mothers.  Any choice was one that was open to judgment.  I fully admit, I've had those moments.  Nothing like breastfeeding or staying home, but being out in public and seeing a mom ignore her child who is bullying other kids, or hearing stories about babies being given chocolate milk in a bottle.  It's true, I judge.  However where I stand today, I am taking a stand with the other mommies out there and joining the mommyhood, the mommitment, the mommunity.  I choose kindness and support over judgment.  Aside from the fact that this is quite literally the hardest job I have ever had in my life and can use all the support I can get, where I stand today, after the five hardest years of my life, I understand what it means when you say it takes a village to raise a child.


When I had my daughter, my new mommy group was my lifeline.  It was the one place I knew I would get to every single week no matter what because it held me up.  I became friends with the women in that group through no known commonality other than having babies the same age.  It was here that I was also given the best advice I ever received, and the only advice I will ever offer to new moms.  There are a million books out there written on babies.  No one has written a book on YOUR baby.  Some of the advice may help, some may not.  Take what works and leave the rest.  YOU know YOUR baby better than anyone else.  These women were my first experience in the mommyhood.


When my daughter was only 7 months old, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Again, it was so often other moms in my life who stepped up.  Between family members and friends, I had meals, child care, gifts, cards, flowers, and support.  I needed this support for nearly a full year.  I thought every day that I didn't understand how people could live without an abundant community like mine.


Then I had my son.  Between my pregnancy and the first year of his life, it was one of the darker times in my life.  In retrospect it was because I had disconnected from my mommyhood.  Many of us had two children and couldn't quite manage to get together like we had in the past.  We were clinging to lifelines but barely surviving.


Shortly after my son turned one, my marriage hit the rocks hard.  As I fought for my marriage, I turned to my mommyhood again.  I needed the women in my life to lift me up.  To remind me it would be okay.  When my marriage ended, if I hadn't had the many women in my life to support me, I'm certain I would have crumbled.  Instead I found I had a collection of "sister wives" who I could call on when I was faltering.


I consider myself immensely lucky to have such a phenomenal group of women, particularly other mothers, in my life.  Now, when I discover another mom is struggling, I try to show up in whatever way I can.  So my "mommitment" is to offer support instead of judgment.  Kindness instead of critique.  We don't have to be friends.  We don't have to hang out or even agree with each others choices.  But we do have to respect one another for doing what we believe is the best for our children.  If I know something that I think might help, I will offer the information.  If you don't choose to take it, it must mean you don't believe it is best for your family, and that is exactly perfect.


So I hope all you mommies out there will join the "mommitment" with me and end the mommy wars.  This job is hard enough, don't you think?

Messy Ego Pain

So one of the interesting parts of divorce is generally speaking, one person was more "out" than the other, leaving one in more pain (usually).  In our case, without going into details, I was the person still fighting for our marriage, hoping it would work out.  I have since come to realize how toxic it truly had become (not to say that we couldn't have overcome that) but still, I feel "left" by him.  So now, as we move on with our lives, there is a part of me that wants to "move on" before he does.  I need to prove how loveable I am, so that some part of him knows he was wrong.  The more intelligent, less egocentric part of me knows how silly that is and that even if I was married tomorrow to the man of my dreams, superior in all ways, a modern prince charming, that it simply doesn't work that way.


This past weekend something came up that really sent my ego into a tailspin.  Nick posted something on social media that, to me, was showing publicly (somewhat) how he has already moved on.  Not everyone would be able to interpret it the way I did, but if you are familiar with the details of our situation, it would be hard not to.  Meanwhile, dating has been... challenging for me.  And that particular day, the most interesting new person I had heard from, turned out to be... wait for it... a prisoner.  Yep.  I attract creeps (that's another story for another day) and prisoners.  Okay, that isn't totally fair.  I have met a couple of really good guys, that for one reason or another it hasn't become more than a date or two, or friendship, but for the most part, yeah... A prisoner....


It took me a full two days before my heart wasn't split in two with my ego screaming out for justice.  I'm still extra sensitive, but it is much better than it was.


After everything I have been through in the last 4 or so years, it is hard to not feel like I "deserve" better.  I "deserve" my happy ending.  Not that it ever works that way for anyone.  But it is definitely that much harder to stay strong in the face of what my life is today, when I am reminded that it doesn't matter how good a person I am, or how bad a person someone else might be, we get what we get. 


After a great deal of processing, I have come to one conclusion.  I need something for me.  I'm working on finding a job (something really awesome could be in the works, fingers crossed for me!) but I think it is time I returned to my art.  There are two shows being put up this year and I am thinking it is time to audition again.  We will have to sort out the kids, especially if I am working, but I think it is time to remind myself and the world that I am awesome.  I am strong.  I am talented.  I am beautiful.  I am a force to be reckoned with.

Falling apart to hold it together

I fell apart tonight. The why is irrelevant for now. But now that my breathing and heart rate are back to normal and I prepare to close my eyes and get some sleep, I am realizing that I needed to fall apart. I've been holding it together for myself, my kids, my friends, my family for a while now. Holding on so tightly as I try to keep the pieces of my life in place. Sometimes, when you're holding on to something heavy, you need to put it down so that you can pick it back up. Release your grip. Adjust your hold. So tonight, I think I needed to fall apart. I let it go, just for a minute (thanks mom) and now I can pick up my load again with a refreshed strength.

How to move on

I'm trying to move on with my life.  Every day I get up and try.  I have been working, little by little on projects around the house.  Trying to reclaim it, and create a space I feel good in and proud of.  I'm getting there. But it is hard work.  And lonely work.  I'm looking for a part time job.  Well slowly initiating that process.  I have updated my LinkedIn profile and have begun working on my resume to move towards a new field (possibly).  Good, but scary as it feels like a pretty major life change to add onto the rest. I'm dating.  Trying to.  Considering what a future life could possibly look like.  Different, new, with a new partner...


However, try as I may, I am finding it a struggle to let go of the vision I've had for so many years.  The one of my family of four.  With the family I have built, and connected to and developed for so many years.  The home that we shared.  The home that we built and created, together.


So how do we let go of what was to make room for what will be?  How do we trust that we will be okay, or better than okay in the future?  That our struggles won't continue the way they have.  That it will get easier, and better.  Like that campaign says.  When, will it "get better" for me?  I thought I had it all.  And cancer got thrown in my path.  I thought I handled it.  Then my marriage fell apart.  I think I'm handling it.  But I'm just simply tired of "handling" my life.  I want to enjoy, thrive and LOVE my life.  And I want to be loved back.  I am so ready for the partner that looks at me as though the sun rises and sets with me.  At least in our best moments.  Who wants to pick me up when I fall, and who lets me pick them up when they fall.  I am so ready for my next phase.  Though I must not actually be since I find those moments where the old life still feels like the future. 

Lonely or Alone

As I continue to settle into my new normal I am struggling with the realities of being alone, and at times, lonely.  Considering my mom only moved out at Thanksgiving, that was the beginning of me being actually alone.  I had a rough couple of weeks but then it was straight into the Christmas holidays which kept me busy.  Then after the new year I was busy with sick babies and prepping for my sister's baby shower.  Straight after I finished her shower, I went out of town for a girls trip to New Orleans.  So my true state of aloneness began after I returned from that trip.  Now I am feeling it deeply.  It is the little things.  For example, last night was trash night.  I completely forgot to take the trash out.  It is the first time I've forgotten so that is a win, but still, that means my trash won't be picked up until next week.  There is no one else here to remember that the trash needs to go out.  Or to do it if for some reason I'm not up for it.  If I cook, then I clean the kitchen.  I do all the laundry (and with two toddlers there is a LOT of laundry).  Although I certainly have a support system for the bigger stuff, it is the little every day minutiae that gets to me.  If I have a rough day with the kids, there is no one in my corner at the end of the night to decompress with.  No one to say "yeah, that's brutal, is there anything I can do to make tomorrow easier for you?" or even just give me a hug.  If the kids get sick in the middle of the night, I'm the only one there to deal with whatever the situation is.


All of this has left me feeling thoroughly lonely.  I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have ever chosen to live alone.  If I had taken a more traditional young adult path, I would have lived with family, friends or roommates at all times.  I believe in family and what it means.  I miss having family dinner.  Yes of course I can still do that with my kids, but lets be honest, the three of us spend all day together.  Family dinner doesn't serve the purpose I appreciated it for.  There is no one to check in with about their day. 


I've had a few rough moments dealing with the loneliness but overall am doing quite well.  It is bringing into focus what I want in my life though.  I knew I wanted a partner but now I understand it is more than that.  A partner to me means family.  I want a family life in my home.  I will have that again someday regardless of a partner coming in once my kids get a little older, but I would like it sooner than that.  I want to know that I have a teammate, and I want to be a teammate.  I look forward to that and value the family dynamic.  So for now I will learn to be lonely and alone and be okay with that.  It is okay that I am lonely and I simply don't like it.  It is okay that I am alone and don't want to be.  Life will go on and I will find my new normal.