exhausted

I had great intentions of going to bed early tonight.  I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night and have a lot on my plate tomorrow.  I should already be asleep for that matter.  But the truth is, I am emotionally wounded.  I am beat down, ground to a pulp, exhausted.  I have been working incredibly hard to just keep myself afloat.  To slowly climb out of the emotional hell I have been in for the last 2-3 years... no strike that, the last 5 years.  Battling a natural inclination for depression and anxiety is hard enough, add on the challenging early years of children, cancer, betrayal by affair, and finally divorce, and I'm lucky I still have a smile on my face most days.  I have minor wounds attacking me daily.  My kids talking incessantly about their dad and his girlfriend.  Struggling to stay on top of the never ending housework with no one in the house to participate.  Quiet nights when my kids have gone to bed and all I want is someone to snuggle with and watch some mindless entertainment.  Hearing about friends date nights with their spouses.  It is all those little things that add up to a dull ache in my heart and an awful lot of loneliness.  But I push through because I know it isn't forever.  And my kids deserve a happy mommy, even if it is happy but alone.  So I push forward.  I am looking for a job, despite wanting to give my time to my kids.  I am selling my house despite knowing that keeping it would be a better financial decision to stay in the long term.  I trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel of this process, because, well, there has to be.  And then I am dealt yet another blow.  A suspicious MRI that will result in a biopsy, either via ultrasound or MRI.  Best case, they see nothing on ultrasound or mammogram and I have to move on to an MRI guided biopsy which is apparently really uncomfortable for the patient.  Worst case, they see something on ultrasound and do the biopsy the "easy" way (which still hurts quite a bit) but pretty much would be indicative of cancer.  I'm doing my very best to not future trip about the possibility of cancer.  The fact is that whatever it will be, it already is.  I have no control over it, and worrying will only make this process more hellish.  But even without the possibility of this being a really big deal, just the process of making sure it isn't a really big deal is pretty awful.  One more thing on top of an already full plate, particularly when it comes to my emotional load.  A true partner would be such a huge benefit right now, because that is when sorrow shared is less.  But I am my own partner for now and will utilize the amazing friends and community I have in my life as I can.  I trust that no matter what, best case or worst case, I will survive and ultimately thrive in this crazy crazy life I'm living.