Falling in love

I want to fall in love.  I know, odd since I just posted yesterday about how I am not ready for a relationship.  But I look around, I see pictures on facebook, and everywhere I look, I see couples.  I know the reality under it all, so it isn't that I believe everything I see.  But I do know what it feels like to be in love.  And I miss that.  I miss feeling like my heart is pouring out of my eyes when I look at someone.  I miss being in someone's arms when I sleep at night.  I miss having that one person who wants to be with you above all else.


I know it will come when it is time, and I am super clear that it isn't time yet.  I also know that the distractions I've been trying to hold that space with simply don't work.  And as hard as the emptiness is, it is what I need to come to terms with.


So my next thought is that I need to fall in love with myself.  I've been trying in truth.  I've been dating myself for about a year now, and I think it is going well.  I enjoy my own company.  I think I'm funny and have excellent taste.  I like all the same things as me and am even discovering some new things that I didn't know I enjoyed.  The only trouble is I can't quite wrap my arms around myself at night.  There is no extra warmth when I share my bed with me.  And when I talk to myself, I frequently get funny looks from other people.


So what comes next?  How do I make my life what I want it to be?  I know it can't be forced, but how do I find happiness and contentment in this space?  I know that my life is pretty darn good.  I have no real world problems, only first world problems.  I am educated and skilled and could likely go out and get any number of jobs quite easily tomorrow.  I have food in my refrigerator and a beautiful home.  I have two children who love me, and I them.  I have wonderful friends and family who have my back.  I have many comforts beyond this that the vast majority of the people in this world do not have.  And yet, with all of that, I still feel lonely.  I used to tell my ex that I didn't care what he did for a living.  If he was miserable (and he was) he should just quit his job.  The worst that would happen would be that we would lose our home and have to live in some crappy apartment together.  But we would be together.  I know he never believed me since he liked the trappings of our life as much as I did.  But I always meant it.  And to this day I mean it.  I know the value of having love in your life.  It is the people and the relationships that matter.  And it is something I miss deeply.


This is where the what ifs start to play in my head.  What if I don't meet anyone to share my life with?  What if it is just me and my kids now?  What if once they leave, it is just me?  Can I be happy?  Although I am certain I could be happy, and will find my way to enjoying my life as it is, I don't believe I will be satisfied being alone.  I used to imagine my adult life alone.  I never imagined a partner for myself until much later in life (of course that was because I was going to be too busy with my starring broadway career)...  My imagined successful life was a beautiful NYC apartment, with a performing career and a dog.  I lived alone in that dream.  But now that I have had enjoyed a taste of partnership, togetherness and true love, I feel incomplete without it.  Don't get me wrong, I am a whole person.  I have interests and friends and a life that is pretty full and great.  But having that person by your side, makes it all worth more.


So here I am, walking through the in between.  My life isn't what it was but not what it yet will be.  It is an uncomfortable place for me.  And my distractions have all abandoned me.  The question is- what is it I am supposed to be focusing on?  What is it that I am supposed to be working on?  I've been sitting in this awfully uncomfortable space for some time now and I'm losing my patience for it.  I need movement. 

Trying to trust, but really FREAKING OUT

So life is pretty overwhelming for me right now.  I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of the end of my marriage.  He is with the woman he had an affair with and I am reminded every single day.  My kids talk about her and her daughter.  Old friends are spending time with them.  I have to remember that he isn't only thinking about himself and me and our kids, because he has a new partner that is in his ear about life decisions.  If I make a "bad" move or choice, it just adds fuel to the fire for why I shouldn't be taken care of.  I am on the edge of breaking every single day.  But somehow I find the strength to carry on, hold my head up, and start over each morning.  I'm not wishing to win him back, but I miss what I thought I had every day.  I have a moment of sadness for future lost every day.


Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house.  The house that was supposed to be our family home.  The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in.  To hold our family holidays in.  The house that was our home.  The house he left me in.  Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal.  I see things I would do differently.  I envision a backyard to play in.  Lights strung up across the pool.  Family photos on the walls.  But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale.  I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily.  Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row.  Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout.  Really?  Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything.  And we put quite a bit of work in too.  It isn't in "need" of anything.  It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque.  And there is more than enough room for anyone.  They just don't have the imagination for it.  I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously.  So frustrating.  And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same.  But there is nothing I can do about that now.  I just have to wait.  And trust.


And then there is kindergarten.  Had another reminder today.  Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence.  That we are selling.  And moving out of.  The school I don't really want her to go to.  But I'm not in contract anywhere else.  And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house.  And school starts in less than two weeks.  So what do I do??????????  Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in?  Register her based on that?  Move her later?  Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????


Then there is this business that I am starting.  And NEED to start because we really need the income.  I am so worried that I don't have what it takes.  It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate.  What if I screw it up?  I really need this to work.  I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet.  I want it to work out.  I want it to be amazing.  But I am so scared...


I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with.  And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay.  And that I am loved and loveable.  And worth fighting for.  And not easy to leave.  I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve.  But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it.  And my insides still hurt so badly.  I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it.  Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.

Picked up and Dusted off

Well the cancer scare got worse before it got better. I called to make my ultrasound appointment, heard the word "mass" and in reference to the original cancer side, and then had to go through all of the reports with my doctors office to figure out that in fact what we are looking into isn't the "noise" they saw on the MRI a year ago, nor a "mass" but in fact a lymph node that they have been watching from the beginning and has a propensity to change sizes.  I won't get into the nitty gritty but essentially now I'm not worried.  I still have to have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and welcome your thoughts and prayers for nothing to be found, but also feel confident that it was enlarged due to the nasty infection I had fought only a week prior.


Still, this week beat me down.  The cancer scare, the ex and his girlfriend, and finally meeting with real estate agents to discuss the sale of my home, was a lot of emotional weight to manage.  By the time Friday afternoon rolled around, I crashed and crashed hard. 


Gratefully this weekend was full of sweetness and blessings.  We spent Saturday morning playing at the pool with friends.  Then my kids noni arrived and we enjoyed lunch together and a quiet afternoon and evening.  I love this woman and am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.  Sunday we enjoyed a visit to the farmers market where the kids were spoiled with waffles and jumpy houses and pony rides, and then it was family dinner and Bella's preschool graduation.  I know, preschool graduation is so silly, but so so adorable.  I loved every second of it.  My girl was so happy and strong and confident.  She loved being celebrated by her family and I loved it too.


So although this summer has a lot of work in store for me (I really really hate moving) I can't wait to move on from my "family" home to a new home that is untouched by the pain of the past.  I can't wait to get my kids settled into kindergarten and preschool and watch them grow and thrive.  I can't wait to figure out who I am and who I want to be.  To find things in my life that are just mine to support my kids.  To find a rhythm and beauty to our new life.  I find new strength in myself every day and am so incredibly grateful for the amazing people I carry in my heart.  So no, cancer, divorce, betrayal, moving... None of you get to break me.  I am a survivor.

With a little help from my friends...

Clearly I had a melt down earlier today.  My triggers lessen each and every day.  Even when something comes up that still doesn't sit well with me, I am not pushed over the edge like I used to be by most of them.  My children sharing a bed with the woman who fully participated in the destruction of my family unit?  Yeah, that will definitely do it... But I'm not writing to discuss that again, I promise.  Instead I get to acknowledge the beauty of the community I am in today.  I have such phenomenal friends that I can show up with my kids to their house, with a melt down in progress (and admittedly a bottle of wine with this particular friend) and be welcomed, supported, and talked off the ledge.  Tonight I had made arrangements to have dinner at my friend Jasmine's house.  Our kids play awesome together, and we have been friends (albeit with a few intermissions) since the second grade.  The best kind of family in my opinion.  The plans were made when I was actually in a decent mood.  So when I showed up in a tizzy, with a bottle of wine in hand, she gladly joked about how I could deal with this situation, shared a glass of wine with me, fed me and my kids dinner, and reminded me that I am not alone.  Sounds schmaltzy written like that, which she would totally not approve of, but the fact is, I am insanely grateful and lucky to have her in my life.  And I have others that I could have done the same thing with.  People who would show up for me in a heartbeat.  Who are happy to support me in both my moments of weakness, and my spiritual zen ninja moments of greatness.  Friendship was always a struggle for me growing up and well into adulthood.  Now, here I stand with everything I thought I knew in shambles around me, but with some of the best, strongest friendships I have every experienced.  I feel phenomenally lucky for this.  I still see that bright light, even when it is eclipsed by daily darkness.  I know it is there for me and my kids.  And the beauty and strength of these amazing friendships that I hold is all the proof that I need that there is some sort of god(dess). =)

Happy New Year! 2014

Onward and upward is my motto for this year.  Many changes on the horizon and a lot of work to get through them.  I am hopeful that this time next year my life will look significantly different, and hopefully all for the better.  First on the agenda, a month of health.  I am working on a pre-operative diet and exercise regime to prepare my body for my reconstructive surgery.  We are tentatively looking at a date in mid-February so I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.  I need to strengthen my core muscles, and limit any inflammation present in my body.  I also need to wean Gio.  Immediately.  The expectation is that we will be lifting my left side to better match my right at the same time.  In order for that to happen, I cannot have any milk left in it.  Tonight was the first attempt at giving him regular milk without me present for bedtime.  I'm sure it will be fine.  He goes down for others just fine though usually does get some pumped milk.  The real challenge will be weaning him around me.  He doesn't need milk around anyone else, but melts down if he's tired or otherwise needing comfort and isn't given milk with me.

And all that just gets us into February!  Then it will be a long recover process.  Five days in the hospital and a minimum of six weeks recovery at home.  Sounds like full recovery will likely take more like three months.  There apparently may be additional "clean up" outpatient surgeries down the road too.  Fingers crossed that won't be the case.

After that?  Who knows!  I have a lot of hopes for this next year.  I do know it involves dance class for Bella, more preschool, finding some activities for Gio, lots more outdoors and nature play for both kids.  Trips to the zoo and the discovery museum, days at the parks and walks around the neighborhood.

I am setting the intention to find myself this year.  I need more music and performance in my life.  I need to find something regular and structured and productive to do with myself even just a day or two a week outside of raising my children.  I need these things to present themselves to me in a way that I can easily see them and take advantage of the opportunities.  I intend to heal some old hurts, even just a little, and find some more happiness in the small every day moments.

Most importantly I intend to see the world through my children's joyful eyes.  They are magnificent and see the world as such.  I am so lucky to have them and hope to remember that every day.

Putting it out there

Dear Universe,

I am working on me.  Trying to find my way to the new and improved mommy version of Karey, while retaining some of the pre-mommy qualities I seem to have lost along the way.  And so, I am putting my desires out there in hopes that perhaps something will come along for me.

I am smart.  It is important for me to stretch my brain in ways that do not involve the Disney channel.  I want to feel like I am having an impact in a greater way than my own home.  And so, I think it is time for me to find my way back to work.  Here is what I desire.

I want to work outside of the home two days a week.

I want to work recruiting, advising, counseling people.  Account management would fit in that too.  I am excellent at speaking with people and connecting them with jobs, training, educational programs, or classes to help them move into the next place for their lives.

I have a master's in education.  I have experience in all of the things I listed above.  Most of my professional experience is in higher education and non-profit.

I like bringing people together.  I am constantly seeing ways to improve systems or move causes forward.

I am an excellent writer and editor, and although I do not want to do that exclusively (it can be awfully isolating) I do enjoy it as a part of my work.

I want to work in a company that truly understands the importance and power of a happy workforce.  You are no better than the people who work for you.  I want to work for a company, and a boss, who believes that deeply and shows it in their actions.  I require an environment that will support my love and obligation to my family, and trusts me to do that, and get my job done above expectations at the same time.  It must be more important that I do my job, than that I sit at my desk for certain hours.  Not to worry though, I want to be at that desk very much, as trying to sit at home and do my job with my kids just sounds like adding to my stress and chaos, not the diversity and interest of my life.

This is an intention setting.  If someone out there happens to read it, and has some brilliant idea to connect me with, even better.  Otherwise I will begin moving myself more practically to my end goal early next year.

I look forward to seeing where this intention brings me.  I seek wholeness of self, part career, part community, part family.  I have a great deal to give when I allow all parts of my self to shine.

Sincerely,
Karey