Trying to trust, but really FREAKING OUT

So life is pretty overwhelming for me right now.  I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of the end of my marriage.  He is with the woman he had an affair with and I am reminded every single day.  My kids talk about her and her daughter.  Old friends are spending time with them.  I have to remember that he isn't only thinking about himself and me and our kids, because he has a new partner that is in his ear about life decisions.  If I make a "bad" move or choice, it just adds fuel to the fire for why I shouldn't be taken care of.  I am on the edge of breaking every single day.  But somehow I find the strength to carry on, hold my head up, and start over each morning.  I'm not wishing to win him back, but I miss what I thought I had every day.  I have a moment of sadness for future lost every day.


Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house.  The house that was supposed to be our family home.  The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in.  To hold our family holidays in.  The house that was our home.  The house he left me in.  Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal.  I see things I would do differently.  I envision a backyard to play in.  Lights strung up across the pool.  Family photos on the walls.  But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale.  I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily.  Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row.  Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout.  Really?  Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything.  And we put quite a bit of work in too.  It isn't in "need" of anything.  It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque.  And there is more than enough room for anyone.  They just don't have the imagination for it.  I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously.  So frustrating.  And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same.  But there is nothing I can do about that now.  I just have to wait.  And trust.


And then there is kindergarten.  Had another reminder today.  Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence.  That we are selling.  And moving out of.  The school I don't really want her to go to.  But I'm not in contract anywhere else.  And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house.  And school starts in less than two weeks.  So what do I do??????????  Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in?  Register her based on that?  Move her later?  Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????


Then there is this business that I am starting.  And NEED to start because we really need the income.  I am so worried that I don't have what it takes.  It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate.  What if I screw it up?  I really need this to work.  I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet.  I want it to work out.  I want it to be amazing.  But I am so scared...


I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with.  And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay.  And that I am loved and loveable.  And worth fighting for.  And not easy to leave.  I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve.  But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it.  And my insides still hurt so badly.  I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it.  Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.

Summertime and the living is... busy!

Gershwin was clearly writing about a different time and place when he wrote his beautiful song "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess.  The living around here is far from easy; we are busier than ever!  We have been going non-stop since we entered summer proper.  Pool and birthday parties, fun with friends, and working to ready our house for sale.  I think I mentioned that it is official, I have to sell the house.  It is bittersweet.  I look around and feel so good about this home.  It is a really good one with great neighbors.  But there are a whole lot of memories here that I'd prefer to forget, energy that I simply can't escape, and let's face it, this is WAY too much house for just me and the kids as we stand today.  I'm actually excited to downsize and start from scratch.  Create a home that is just mine and the kids from the start.  No dirt left in the cracks from days gone by that hurt my heart.


With that said, there is SO incredibly much work to be done to ready this house for sale.  Mostly cleaning and packing to declutter and show off the wonderful space that is here.  Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it in.  On top of that, I am investigating an interesting business possibility.  Something I could do from the comfort of my own home, possibly even make enough to support myself in the not too distant future.  It will require some focused time from me so I know I can't start it until after we have moved and possibly the kids are in school. But I can have everything in place ready to move forward when I'm ready.  So think good thoughts for me!  A quick sale on my house for a great price, and success on my business.


Other than all that I'm trying to give my kids a wonderful last summer in this home, with lots of pool time, facepainting, arts and crafts, and play dates galore. Time to heal from this horrible experience.

How to cope?

I am really struggling with something right now.  The ex husband is actively and publicly dating his affair partner.  This in an of itself is an ego blow, but manageable.  Now, however, he is very consistently bringing her around my children.  Last week when I was sick with the flu, the four of them went out to dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant (where we are known by name and our kids have their own special dishes).  She spends the night at his place when they are there, though had been sleeping on the couch.  Still not great, but something I was dealing with.  Just moments ago I heard my daughter telling my mom about how the other woman and her daughter spent the night this weekend with them.  After they were done talking, I asked her what their sleeping arrangements were.  She informed me that all five of them shared a bed.  I am so uncomfortable with this.  This woman has already "stolen" my husband and now she is worming her way into my children's lives.  I don't like or respect her.  I don't care for how she parents (this was true before the affair) or how she chooses to live her life.  I believe she is an immoral person.  I feel many of these things about the ex too (increasingly) but he is their dad, so we deal.  I just can't seem to deal with the fact that I can't protect my children from people I think are bad influences.  Any other circumstance and I would have that ability.  But because he decided to end our marriage, I lost this ability.


So I am genuinely asking- how do I cope with this?  How do I find a way to be okay with the fact that this woman who actively participated in the destruction of my family is sharing a bed with my children?  Nothing about this situation is okay with me.  I have no idea how to do this.  I have no desire to share my life with him anymore.  He has shown me, repeatedly, how badly matched we are now.  I am not jealous of her because she has him.  But my ego HATES that she "won" when she never deserved to even be in play.  And now, she not only gets my husband, but my children too???  Where is the justice in this life?  I am truly angry and heartbroken and know that I have no power whatsoever.  It may be the worst feeling I've experienced to date- and I had cancer.