Though I am very much still healing, I am feeling so good about my body. This surgery was crazy. What it takes and the amount of recovery time is extreme. Going in, I also felt I had absolutely no guarantees. That is a really scary place to be. But I also knew I was miserable in the state of my body and had to do something. Of course there are still plenty of things I plan to do to get my body healthy, but the fact is that I felt broken. My body hadn't been mine in years. From pregnancy to cancer to pregnancy to breastfeeding, I had given my body over to "other" in many ways and for many purposes. I am so blessed and grateful for all that my body has done. I have carried two beautiful, healthy babies to full term and birthed them with little complication. I fought the battle of a lifetime, poisoning, cutting and deforming and burning/poisoning myself to eradicate the rogue cells that were trying to kill me. Finally, I fed and nourished my beautiful boy on demand for 15 full months. My body did all of that. Truly amazing.
My body unfortunately also carried a great deal of extra weight. And allowed those killer rogue cells to take hold leaving me deformed. I hold no stock in "being skinny" but as I've written about previously, my weight does affect me in my ability to do the things I desire in the world. Also, when combined with emotional damage of youth, I carry a negative self image, feeling undesirable and unattractive. This was a hard enough battle on its own. Adding a deformity from the loss of a breast was a weight I couldn't quite bear. When I had my mastectomy I never went through a grieving process regarding my breast. For many women it is a very emotional thing, even feeling that they've lost their womanhood. I truly never felt that. But my expander was uncomfortable and never looked even sort of like a breast, even when in a bra. I had hoped that the implant would be better, both in looks and comfort. It was better, but barely, and as you know, didn't last. I felt most comfortable with nothing in (ironically) but still never felt good about myself when I looked in the mirror. Going into this surgery, I had hoped only to feel ok in clothing and a bra. I had very low expectations even for that. I just didn't trust that I wouldn't be permanently externally marked from cancer for all to see.
Today, I put on "normal" clothes for the first time since surgery. I wore a regular bra (which I had basically given up on since my first pregnancy), a simple cotton shirt, and jeans. I couldn't have been more thrilled. Although I am still "big" as far as sizes go, I now have a flat stomach. And my bra was appropriately filled on both sides. You would never have been able to tell that I had undergone anything. Although after an hour in said clothing I could feel it in my still healing body, I had a new lightness in my heart.
For lack of a better description, I feel like myself again. The inside and the outside finally match. I look forward to continuing on my path of healing and strengthening my body, losing a little more weight and building my muscles so that I can show my children how to live a healthy life. Fruits and vegetables and reasonable portions to eat, hikes and biking and enjoying the amazing things our home has to offer. Hopefully this will also open up a few additional options for me to achieve some goals I have in mind- parts I can play in shows, new skills I'd like to learn, things like that.
I am just so amazingly grateful to have undergone this surgery. I never intended to do it so soon, and was quite terrified of what it was going to take. What was worse, I never felt confident that it was going to give me enough back to be "worth it". Today I can say that this was one of the better choices I have made in this process. I may have felt I was making it under duress somewhat, but it was unquestionably the best thing I could have done. My surgeon is amazing and I look forward to thanking him properly. He gave me back pieces of myself I hadn't even realized I had lost.
Showing posts with label surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surgery. Show all posts
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
Post Surgery Update
I had started writing this post earlier this week but never made it back to it, so I'm starting from scratch!
Surgery was about a week and a half ago now. The process didn't exactly start out as expected. We had been expecting surgery to go for about 4-6 hours (and in fact my surgeon had indicated he thought it would be in the 5 hour range for me). Well it ended up taking 7 hours. Then as I was slowly waking up in the recovery room, I hear my doctor talking about my blood flow numbers. Apparently there was an area in the tissue transplant that wasn't receiving adequate blood flow. So he turned me straight around and took me back in for another 2 hours. Yep, that would be 9 total hours of surgery. I was rough by the time I made it back to my room to be sure. Sore throat, sore body, and drugged. My mom, dad, sister, brother in law, niece and husband were waiting for me when I arrived at my room. I think I scared them a little. =) Nick knew I was in rough shape and could see I was worried about the night, so promised to return early the next morning. Gratefully I had a wonderful night nurse who really did make all the difference to me in that difficult first night. She was kind, funny, and on top of caring for me. She even made sure to get me a massage through the complimentary service for cancer patients for that next morning.
Aside from the fact that it is quite literally impossible to get a good nights sleep (or even a nice nap for that matter) in a hospital, my recovery went decently well. The first couple of days were rough since they wanted me to work towards getting up and moving and my body was just not there yet. But by day three I was working well towards their goals, and could have even been released half a day early if I'd wanted. But I knew I wasn't quite ready to manage myself at home and my family definitely wasn't ready to have me home unable to easily make it to the restroom on my own. One more night was perfect.
I arrived home on Saturday and was doing surprisingly well. After feeling like the bionic woman with an IV, central line (that's an IV in your neck), catheter, leg pumps, blood pressure cuff, oxygen/pulse monitor, blood flow monitor, Doppler monitor, and five drains, I miraculously went home with only two drains in my body. I could walk quite well and wasn't feeling too much pain.
So now, here I am one week post release and feeling good. I'm weaning myself off pain meds and trying to walk more. Unfortunately both of those things have left me a little more sore. But my energy and strength seem to be really good. Also, I'm really happy with my physical results from surgery so far. Of course I won't know the full results for awhile as the swelling goes down and my body adjusts and heals, but I feel good and like what I see so far. My doctor also seems happy with the results and several of the nurses told me how great he is (I heard perfectionist used several times). In my opinion, no one knows better than the nurses who work with (and after) the surgeons.
Onward and upward from here! I've been pleasantly surprised at how good I've felt so far. The trick will be to avoid overdoing it. I think I may be dealing with that a little bit right now. I am grateful I did what work I could in advance of surgery to strengthen my muscles as I am feeling the benefit of it now. I just have to keep my focus on eating well (and the sugar/carb cravings I've been having this week are definitely not helping!) and slowly advancing towards getting my body back into motion. I think it may also be time to look into the writing challenge I've been wanting to do. Something a little more productive than watching trashy tv and movies! lol
The best part of all is that I am starting to experience a little sensation of emotional closure on cancer. I didn't expect that to be the case for me, but as I "get my body back" I do feel that I am walking away from that process. And so begins 2014- the year of Karey. ;)
Surgery was about a week and a half ago now. The process didn't exactly start out as expected. We had been expecting surgery to go for about 4-6 hours (and in fact my surgeon had indicated he thought it would be in the 5 hour range for me). Well it ended up taking 7 hours. Then as I was slowly waking up in the recovery room, I hear my doctor talking about my blood flow numbers. Apparently there was an area in the tissue transplant that wasn't receiving adequate blood flow. So he turned me straight around and took me back in for another 2 hours. Yep, that would be 9 total hours of surgery. I was rough by the time I made it back to my room to be sure. Sore throat, sore body, and drugged. My mom, dad, sister, brother in law, niece and husband were waiting for me when I arrived at my room. I think I scared them a little. =) Nick knew I was in rough shape and could see I was worried about the night, so promised to return early the next morning. Gratefully I had a wonderful night nurse who really did make all the difference to me in that difficult first night. She was kind, funny, and on top of caring for me. She even made sure to get me a massage through the complimentary service for cancer patients for that next morning.
Aside from the fact that it is quite literally impossible to get a good nights sleep (or even a nice nap for that matter) in a hospital, my recovery went decently well. The first couple of days were rough since they wanted me to work towards getting up and moving and my body was just not there yet. But by day three I was working well towards their goals, and could have even been released half a day early if I'd wanted. But I knew I wasn't quite ready to manage myself at home and my family definitely wasn't ready to have me home unable to easily make it to the restroom on my own. One more night was perfect.
I arrived home on Saturday and was doing surprisingly well. After feeling like the bionic woman with an IV, central line (that's an IV in your neck), catheter, leg pumps, blood pressure cuff, oxygen/pulse monitor, blood flow monitor, Doppler monitor, and five drains, I miraculously went home with only two drains in my body. I could walk quite well and wasn't feeling too much pain.
So now, here I am one week post release and feeling good. I'm weaning myself off pain meds and trying to walk more. Unfortunately both of those things have left me a little more sore. But my energy and strength seem to be really good. Also, I'm really happy with my physical results from surgery so far. Of course I won't know the full results for awhile as the swelling goes down and my body adjusts and heals, but I feel good and like what I see so far. My doctor also seems happy with the results and several of the nurses told me how great he is (I heard perfectionist used several times). In my opinion, no one knows better than the nurses who work with (and after) the surgeons.
Onward and upward from here! I've been pleasantly surprised at how good I've felt so far. The trick will be to avoid overdoing it. I think I may be dealing with that a little bit right now. I am grateful I did what work I could in advance of surgery to strengthen my muscles as I am feeling the benefit of it now. I just have to keep my focus on eating well (and the sugar/carb cravings I've been having this week are definitely not helping!) and slowly advancing towards getting my body back into motion. I think it may also be time to look into the writing challenge I've been wanting to do. Something a little more productive than watching trashy tv and movies! lol
The best part of all is that I am starting to experience a little sensation of emotional closure on cancer. I didn't expect that to be the case for me, but as I "get my body back" I do feel that I am walking away from that process. And so begins 2014- the year of Karey. ;)
Monday, February 17, 2014
Surgery is here
Tomorrow morning, in approximately 9 hours, I will be drifting off to sleep for the biggest surgery I have ever had. The final major piece in my cancer journey. I'm feeling nervous about being away from my babies. And nervous about the results. I've felt so uncomfortable in my body for so long now, and have only just started to feel comfortable again since both the expander and implant were out. I hate the idea that I might not continue feeling comfortable in my own body. And yet, the results could set me further along the path to feeling not just comfortable, but proud. Here's hoping that is the result! Although I've spent the week feeling excited, I've been aware of a constant anxiety also plaguing me. They are very similar emotions of course. I only realized the anxiety was there once I noticed I was stress eating. =) Well with a few things left to do before tomorrow I'd better get to it, but I am asking for thoughts and prayers and good vibes and juju for a smooth surgery with outstanding results and rapid healing. Not too much to ask right? ;)
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy New Year! 2014
Onward and upward is my motto for this year. Many changes on the horizon and a lot of work to get through them. I am hopeful that this time next year my life will look significantly different, and hopefully all for the better. First on the agenda, a month of health. I am working on a pre-operative diet and exercise regime to prepare my body for my reconstructive surgery. We are tentatively looking at a date in mid-February so I have a lot to do in a short amount of time. I need to strengthen my core muscles, and limit any inflammation present in my body. I also need to wean Gio. Immediately. The expectation is that we will be lifting my left side to better match my right at the same time. In order for that to happen, I cannot have any milk left in it. Tonight was the first attempt at giving him regular milk without me present for bedtime. I'm sure it will be fine. He goes down for others just fine though usually does get some pumped milk. The real challenge will be weaning him around me. He doesn't need milk around anyone else, but melts down if he's tired or otherwise needing comfort and isn't given milk with me.
And all that just gets us into February! Then it will be a long recover process. Five days in the hospital and a minimum of six weeks recovery at home. Sounds like full recovery will likely take more like three months. There apparently may be additional "clean up" outpatient surgeries down the road too. Fingers crossed that won't be the case.
After that? Who knows! I have a lot of hopes for this next year. I do know it involves dance class for Bella, more preschool, finding some activities for Gio, lots more outdoors and nature play for both kids. Trips to the zoo and the discovery museum, days at the parks and walks around the neighborhood.
I am setting the intention to find myself this year. I need more music and performance in my life. I need to find something regular and structured and productive to do with myself even just a day or two a week outside of raising my children. I need these things to present themselves to me in a way that I can easily see them and take advantage of the opportunities. I intend to heal some old hurts, even just a little, and find some more happiness in the small every day moments.
Most importantly I intend to see the world through my children's joyful eyes. They are magnificent and see the world as such. I am so lucky to have them and hope to remember that every day.
And all that just gets us into February! Then it will be a long recover process. Five days in the hospital and a minimum of six weeks recovery at home. Sounds like full recovery will likely take more like three months. There apparently may be additional "clean up" outpatient surgeries down the road too. Fingers crossed that won't be the case.
After that? Who knows! I have a lot of hopes for this next year. I do know it involves dance class for Bella, more preschool, finding some activities for Gio, lots more outdoors and nature play for both kids. Trips to the zoo and the discovery museum, days at the parks and walks around the neighborhood.
I am setting the intention to find myself this year. I need more music and performance in my life. I need to find something regular and structured and productive to do with myself even just a day or two a week outside of raising my children. I need these things to present themselves to me in a way that I can easily see them and take advantage of the opportunities. I intend to heal some old hurts, even just a little, and find some more happiness in the small every day moments.
Most importantly I intend to see the world through my children's joyful eyes. They are magnificent and see the world as such. I am so lucky to have them and hope to remember that every day.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
All in a year
I think I've mentioned before that my long term reconstruction plan is to have a DIEP flap procedure. This is major microsurgery that takes tissue from my abdomen to create a new breast. At the same time they will lift the other side so that shape and size all matches. It doesn't make sense to do any of this until after I have finished having babies. Aside from stretching out my stomach again (hey, if I have to have surgery, at least I can get a bonus benefit from it right?), my unaffected breast will surely change shape, and more importantly we don't know how a pregnancy would affect the abdominal tissue that is moved. So the question remained- what do I do until then? I currently have a tissue expander in. This is essentially an implant that has a port so that it can be put in empty or partially filled, and expanded over time without surgery. Aside from the hard rubber port that I can feel, the expander itself is really hard and pretty uncomfortable. Worse than that, I can't have an MRI which is one of the primary diagnostic tools that I am supposed to use for follow up in the next few years.
After my mastectomy my plastic surgeon mentioned the possibility of replacing the expander with a regular implant. My fear was that then my insurance could deny paying for the DIEP flap procedure. He told me that if I am unhappy with the results (which we can pretty much expect I will be) that I say so, and they are legally obligated to cover the reconstruction. With this information I made the decision to do just that. I expected to meet with my doctor yesterday and plan a date for this surgery sometime in February. He indicated that I would need some time to heal after radiation before we could consider surgery and due to some other things in my life, February was the next possible option.
Yesterday I did in fact meet with my plastic surgeon. We discussed the exchange surgery and my options (silicone vs saline, etc). It is an outpatient procedure that can be completed in the surgery center. I don't have to even go to the hospital, let alone stay in it! Plus the recovery should be pretty manageable. Everything had been reviewed and the last step was scheduling. Much to my surprise, my doctor said we could do it before the end of the year!
Yes, I know that I am crazy. This is the worst possible time of year to plan on putting myself out of commission, but the idea of having all of the major medical stuff behind me within the confines of one calendar year is just too alluring. So we scheduled surgery tentatively for December 28th! I have to get medical clearance (just saying I am strong enough to handle general anesthesia) and my insurance has to go through in time, but I don't anticipate any issues with either of these things.
Assuming all goes to plan, I will be done with everything before the end of 2011. I will be happier than you can possibly imagine to ring in 2012. I have great hopes for this next year!
After my mastectomy my plastic surgeon mentioned the possibility of replacing the expander with a regular implant. My fear was that then my insurance could deny paying for the DIEP flap procedure. He told me that if I am unhappy with the results (which we can pretty much expect I will be) that I say so, and they are legally obligated to cover the reconstruction. With this information I made the decision to do just that. I expected to meet with my doctor yesterday and plan a date for this surgery sometime in February. He indicated that I would need some time to heal after radiation before we could consider surgery and due to some other things in my life, February was the next possible option.
Yesterday I did in fact meet with my plastic surgeon. We discussed the exchange surgery and my options (silicone vs saline, etc). It is an outpatient procedure that can be completed in the surgery center. I don't have to even go to the hospital, let alone stay in it! Plus the recovery should be pretty manageable. Everything had been reviewed and the last step was scheduling. Much to my surprise, my doctor said we could do it before the end of the year!
Yes, I know that I am crazy. This is the worst possible time of year to plan on putting myself out of commission, but the idea of having all of the major medical stuff behind me within the confines of one calendar year is just too alluring. So we scheduled surgery tentatively for December 28th! I have to get medical clearance (just saying I am strong enough to handle general anesthesia) and my insurance has to go through in time, but I don't anticipate any issues with either of these things.
Assuming all goes to plan, I will be done with everything before the end of 2011. I will be happier than you can possibly imagine to ring in 2012. I have great hopes for this next year!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Radiation
For a factual cancer update...
I am healing quite nicely from surgery. I would say I am at a good 70-80%. Considering it really takes months to get to 100% I feel pretty good about that. I do have one more "fill" for my tissue expander which will happen this Wednesday, and those leave me a little sore. Nothing too bad, it just takes a couple of days to recover.
My treatment planning appointment for radiation is scheduled for Monday September 19th. This appointment will place me in a CT scan for a couple of hours while they collect a ton of information to compile with all of the information they already have (MRIs, PET scan, mammogram, etc). All of this information goes into a super computer where an exact treatment plan will be determined by my Radiological Oncologist. Once this plan is complete I will begin treatment. We expect this will be at the end of the same week (so around the 22nd or 23rd). Once I begin I will have 28-30 treatments. Based on the timing, I should be done with treatment by the first couple of days of November. Once that is all done, I will be officially done with treatment and moving on to observation. I am so looking forward to that day.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. That is a good thing.
I am healing quite nicely from surgery. I would say I am at a good 70-80%. Considering it really takes months to get to 100% I feel pretty good about that. I do have one more "fill" for my tissue expander which will happen this Wednesday, and those leave me a little sore. Nothing too bad, it just takes a couple of days to recover.
My treatment planning appointment for radiation is scheduled for Monday September 19th. This appointment will place me in a CT scan for a couple of hours while they collect a ton of information to compile with all of the information they already have (MRIs, PET scan, mammogram, etc). All of this information goes into a super computer where an exact treatment plan will be determined by my Radiological Oncologist. Once this plan is complete I will begin treatment. We expect this will be at the end of the same week (so around the 22nd or 23rd). Once I begin I will have 28-30 treatments. Based on the timing, I should be done with treatment by the first couple of days of November. Once that is all done, I will be officially done with treatment and moving on to observation. I am so looking forward to that day.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. That is a good thing.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Here We Go!
Tomorrow morning I am scheduled for surgery. I will arrive at Marin General Hospital by 6:30am and am scheduled for surgery at 7:30am. I should be out of surgery between 11:30 and 12:30. I will spend one night in the hospital unless I need to stay longer. I don't anticipate that, so I will be home on Friday!
I am having a mastectomy of the right breast and a sentinel node biopsy. They will remove the breast tissue, while preserving the skin and nipple of the right side. Once that is done, a tissue expander will be placed under the muscle to preserve the pocket for future reconstruction. There will be two drains placed as well which will stay in somewhere from one to three weeks. The sentinel node biopsy will have three to five lymph nodes removed and checked for cancer cells. Today I was injected with some radioactive material that will travel to the nodes. The way it works is that it will go to one node first and start to collect there, and then travel to the others. The nodes that have the most material left (determined by a fancy geigercounter) will be the ones they remove. I am completely confident that those will be negative. The part I am most interested in is how much cancer is actually left. We have a point of reference from the MRI that was done after my last chemo, but it should have continued to shrink after that point.
Tomorrow, I can say that I am cancer free. This is a big deal. Although I'm scared (surgery isn't exactly something you look forward to) I am ready. I am ready to be truly on the road to recovery and not just in the process of getting worse before I get better. I am ready to get my life back. I am ready to be mommy, and wife, and friend, and not the broken person.
So keep me in your prayers and thoughts tomorrow. It is a big day!
I am having a mastectomy of the right breast and a sentinel node biopsy. They will remove the breast tissue, while preserving the skin and nipple of the right side. Once that is done, a tissue expander will be placed under the muscle to preserve the pocket for future reconstruction. There will be two drains placed as well which will stay in somewhere from one to three weeks. The sentinel node biopsy will have three to five lymph nodes removed and checked for cancer cells. Today I was injected with some radioactive material that will travel to the nodes. The way it works is that it will go to one node first and start to collect there, and then travel to the others. The nodes that have the most material left (determined by a fancy geigercounter) will be the ones they remove. I am completely confident that those will be negative. The part I am most interested in is how much cancer is actually left. We have a point of reference from the MRI that was done after my last chemo, but it should have continued to shrink after that point.
Tomorrow, I can say that I am cancer free. This is a big deal. Although I'm scared (surgery isn't exactly something you look forward to) I am ready. I am ready to be truly on the road to recovery and not just in the process of getting worse before I get better. I am ready to get my life back. I am ready to be mommy, and wife, and friend, and not the broken person.
So keep me in your prayers and thoughts tomorrow. It is a big day!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Counting Down
Surgery is in four days. I'm feeling as ready as I think I'll get. Mostly pretty calm about it. I'm desperately trying to figure out what exactly I need to accomplish before getting knocked out for another chunk of time. It's harder than you might think. The obvious things like cleaning and paying bills are pretty easy, but beyond that it is just hard to imagine to what level I will be incapacitated. I'm trying not to be too crazy about it though since I know that I have a good amount of help and if something comes up after surgery, I'm sure I can get help to handle it.
The other major fear I have going in to this is losing my connection to Isabella during this recovery time. I know that I'm her mom and nothing can change that, but the fact is that during chemo there was some distance between us. Gratefully she is happy with other people and doesn't have separation anxiety. Unfortunately being so exhausted I can't be the fun and entertaining mommy that I would like to be. A good amount of her care comes from others, and most of her fun. I'm lucky to be able to nap with her some days. Sadly this has resulted in her frequently wanting little to do with me, or at the very least preferring to go to others. I've spent the last month working past this and getting back on track with our relationship. I feel like we are finally 90% back to "normal" and now I'm getting laid up again. I'm trusting that I won't lose all of the ground I've gained back, and what I do lose I will be able to recover again. Still, it hurts a little.
I guess what all of this means is that the next three days will be spent getting quality time with Bella in, and accomplishing a to-do list in preparation. I'll post again soon with the details of the surgery.
The other major fear I have going in to this is losing my connection to Isabella during this recovery time. I know that I'm her mom and nothing can change that, but the fact is that during chemo there was some distance between us. Gratefully she is happy with other people and doesn't have separation anxiety. Unfortunately being so exhausted I can't be the fun and entertaining mommy that I would like to be. A good amount of her care comes from others, and most of her fun. I'm lucky to be able to nap with her some days. Sadly this has resulted in her frequently wanting little to do with me, or at the very least preferring to go to others. I've spent the last month working past this and getting back on track with our relationship. I feel like we are finally 90% back to "normal" and now I'm getting laid up again. I'm trusting that I won't lose all of the ground I've gained back, and what I do lose I will be able to recover again. Still, it hurts a little.
I guess what all of this means is that the next three days will be spent getting quality time with Bella in, and accomplishing a to-do list in preparation. I'll post again soon with the details of the surgery.
Friday, July 29, 2011
On the horizon
Surgery is just around the corner. This Thursday, August 4th I will have a single mastectomy on my right side and a sentinel node biopsy. I flip flop between feeling ready to tackle this challenge (and be declared cancer free) to feeling totally anxious and unprepared. Yesterday I went to "surgery class" with the nurse navigator to chat about what I can do before and after surgery to aid in my healing. Today I met with my surgeon for my pre-op appointment and review the expectations for the actual surgery.
All of the professionals are confident and appropriately aggressive in my case. I confirmed my MRI results with my surgeon today. The tumor is 3.6x.08cm. Sounds big still I know but my surgeon said they judge response by the overall volume decrease, and we are very happy with that. I had an "outstanding" response, and she still wouldn't be surprised if when they perform surgery, I show a complete pathological response (i.e. there is no cancer left). She is still planning to take 3-5 lymph nodes out to confirm that there is no involvement there (which all of the tests have shown from day one). Apparently beyond this number there is a diminishing return with the sensitivity of the test, but if those show no cancer, we can be totally confident that there is in fact no cancer. I'm confident that this will be the case regardless.
Oddly, although I left my pre-op appointment feeling confident and calm, tonight the anxiety has returned. Not so much about the surgery itself, but about the cancer in general. As I held Isabella, rocking her to sleep, I found myself feeling desperate to simply be alive to watch her grow. My fears of mortality have been relatively few and far between (considering what I'm facing), so the timing of it feels strange. I suppose though that with surgery looming the gravity of the situation is brought to light. All the same, my heart feels heavy tonight. My wish today is to live to see my daughter grow into the amazing woman I know she will be. All other hopes, wishes, dreams and ideas can fall by the wayside as long as I am granted that simple desire. I have faith that I will get that, but for some reason, tonight, I'm feeling scared.
For those that have them to spare, I would gratefully welcome any prayers/thoughts/vibes to help me stay light through these next few days, and carry me through surgery on Thursday. I am so close to being cancer free and on the road to recovery.
All of the professionals are confident and appropriately aggressive in my case. I confirmed my MRI results with my surgeon today. The tumor is 3.6x.08cm. Sounds big still I know but my surgeon said they judge response by the overall volume decrease, and we are very happy with that. I had an "outstanding" response, and she still wouldn't be surprised if when they perform surgery, I show a complete pathological response (i.e. there is no cancer left). She is still planning to take 3-5 lymph nodes out to confirm that there is no involvement there (which all of the tests have shown from day one). Apparently beyond this number there is a diminishing return with the sensitivity of the test, but if those show no cancer, we can be totally confident that there is in fact no cancer. I'm confident that this will be the case regardless.
Oddly, although I left my pre-op appointment feeling confident and calm, tonight the anxiety has returned. Not so much about the surgery itself, but about the cancer in general. As I held Isabella, rocking her to sleep, I found myself feeling desperate to simply be alive to watch her grow. My fears of mortality have been relatively few and far between (considering what I'm facing), so the timing of it feels strange. I suppose though that with surgery looming the gravity of the situation is brought to light. All the same, my heart feels heavy tonight. My wish today is to live to see my daughter grow into the amazing woman I know she will be. All other hopes, wishes, dreams and ideas can fall by the wayside as long as I am granted that simple desire. I have faith that I will get that, but for some reason, tonight, I'm feeling scared.
For those that have them to spare, I would gratefully welcome any prayers/thoughts/vibes to help me stay light through these next few days, and carry me through surgery on Thursday. I am so close to being cancer free and on the road to recovery.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Preparing
As Bella's birthday draws closer, so does my surgery. My mom pointed out to me that I've always sort of had the timeline of this would happen, then that would happen, then Bella's birthday and then surgery. Well, here we are. And I suppose as I should have expected, the anxiety is mounting. Surgery in and of itself doesn't scare me. I've had two surgeries in my life (I had my tonsils out at 17 and my appendix out at 20) so it isn't the scary unknown that it can be for many people. What is scary and unknown is the aftermath. I have no idea what to expect from the pain, the recovery, or even the result. I'm not a terribly vain person but I've definitely had visions of some less than ideal results of this surgery. (To be clear, I mean the results regarding my appearance, not the results regarding eradicating the cancer.) The honest truth is that I am scared about the cancer aspect too, a little bit anyhow.
I am focused on Bella's birthday and some wonderful out of town visitors about to join us, but my mind is starting to move ahead (as it tends to do) to what I need to do to prepare for surgery. I need to detox my body. I need to make sure I am not going in already "hot" (as my acupuncturist says) with bodily inflammation going on. I also need to make sure that I don't have aches and pains elsewhere distracting my recovery. So I will plan to eat an anti-inflammatory diet in the week prior to surgery, and visit some of my support team (acupuncture and chiropractor to be specific). I also need to plan for the help and support I will need after surgery. This is something that I am not excellent at as I tend to want to live in semi-denial and procrastinate this task.
Meanwhile my heart and mind continue to sit with my friend Tika. She had her surgery yesterday. She elected to have a double mastectomy (to just be done with it so to speak). It was successful and showed no lymph node involvement. So good news there. I only hope her heart aches a little bit less each day as she deals with the loss of her husband. She is also getting amazing amounts of support to help her spiritually and financially. I hope her needs are met and then some. From a selfish perspective, her loss has made me realize I should probably find a support group of some sort. Cancer is a beast to deal with day to day and it has been a huge comfort having a friend who was going through the same basic process. Although there is part of me that believes she might appreciate connecting with me and talking about something other than her loss, I don't think we will quite be able to laugh and be inappropriate like we used to. Yet.
Back to the preparations for the big birthday bash. I hope this celebration brings me the same joy that Nick's birthday did. I could use that right now. I do always have these little bright lights to bring me joy! (Bella and Mia being silly girls in Costco.)
I am focused on Bella's birthday and some wonderful out of town visitors about to join us, but my mind is starting to move ahead (as it tends to do) to what I need to do to prepare for surgery. I need to detox my body. I need to make sure I am not going in already "hot" (as my acupuncturist says) with bodily inflammation going on. I also need to make sure that I don't have aches and pains elsewhere distracting my recovery. So I will plan to eat an anti-inflammatory diet in the week prior to surgery, and visit some of my support team (acupuncture and chiropractor to be specific). I also need to plan for the help and support I will need after surgery. This is something that I am not excellent at as I tend to want to live in semi-denial and procrastinate this task.
Meanwhile my heart and mind continue to sit with my friend Tika. She had her surgery yesterday. She elected to have a double mastectomy (to just be done with it so to speak). It was successful and showed no lymph node involvement. So good news there. I only hope her heart aches a little bit less each day as she deals with the loss of her husband. She is also getting amazing amounts of support to help her spiritually and financially. I hope her needs are met and then some. From a selfish perspective, her loss has made me realize I should probably find a support group of some sort. Cancer is a beast to deal with day to day and it has been a huge comfort having a friend who was going through the same basic process. Although there is part of me that believes she might appreciate connecting with me and talking about something other than her loss, I don't think we will quite be able to laugh and be inappropriate like we used to. Yet.
Back to the preparations for the big birthday bash. I hope this celebration brings me the same joy that Nick's birthday did. I could use that right now. I do always have these little bright lights to bring me joy! (Bella and Mia being silly girls in Costco.)
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Long Road Ahead
Today I met with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options. I've met with my surgeon who performs the mastectomy but I need a plastic surgeon for reconstruction of the breast. Until this point I had heard that reconstruction could maybe happen at the same time as the mastectomy. I was definitely holding out hope that this would be the case. Today I determined this is definitely not the case. Due to the fact that I have to have radiation after surgery, I cannot have reconstruction at the same time. Radiation really destroys the tissue (apparently for years beyond the time that you are actually receiving the treatment) and would make the breast completely change shape, leading to future surgeries for correction, or a lifetime of a misshapen chest.
That's the bad news.
According to the plastic surgeon, they won't allow her to even touch my breast for six months to a year after radiation. Additionally, in order to ensure that I am relatively even, she wants to give my other breast a lift at the same time as the reconstruction. I'm fine with this (I feel that I am so young it is important to me to feel as normal as possible once is this all done), but that requires that all of the ducts in my healthy breast be cut. This could lead to not being able to breast feed at all. I already know that my left breast produces milk (even if a small amount) and I am determined to have another baby and breast feed at least in part. I don't know why, other than that I fought so incredibly hard to breast feed Bella and feel a little like I "failed" at my effort, but this has become a point I am fixated on. I will breast feed again.
So with all of this information, it is likely that I will wait to have my reconstructive surgery until I am done having children. We are now talking about years. If I had my druthers I would get pregnant sometime next fall. That would put Bella and her future sibling three years apart. My oncologist wants me to wait a year beyond that. My body may or may not allow me to get pregnant on its own. So there are a lot of factors affecting if and when I have another child. Which of course means there are a lot of factors affecting when I will have reconstruction.
In the meantime they will place an expander in my chest as a placeholder to preserve the shape of my breast. I am lucky in that they should be able to preserve the skin and nipple. I could still face some risks with this when I have radiation (including the possibility of the expander coming through the skin- yep you read that right- through the skin), but it seems to be the best plan available.
I'll leave the discussion about the type of reconstruction for another day. That is a large topic that deserves its own post and I could change my mind about what type of reconstruction I have between now and the time I have it. But if you're curious, right now my best option is looking like a tram flap surgery.
To say I had a melt down today is fair. This was not the news I was hoping for at all. I went from feeling like I had my eyes set on October as the finish line to now facing major surgery sometime in a couple of years. I keep saying "I just want to be done with this". I guess today, I can safely say, this just sucks. I really haven't felt too negative as this process has gone on. I haven't had too many pity parties, mostly feeling like I just needed to continue moving forward and it would all be fine. Today, I can easily say with the best of you, that this sucks. This is not something anyone should have to go through, particularly a young woman like myself. It isn't a fair disease and the treatment is brutal. I feel as though around every corner I keep receiving news that makes this just a little bit longer, a little bit more difficult, and continually changing the landscape of my future.
On the bright (?) side, after I'm done having babies, I'm guaranteed new breasts and a surgery that works like a tummy tuck! There are lots of women out there who pay big bucks to have that happen. Not a choice I would make myself, but hey, I've gotta keep my eyes on that silver lining right?
That's the bad news.
According to the plastic surgeon, they won't allow her to even touch my breast for six months to a year after radiation. Additionally, in order to ensure that I am relatively even, she wants to give my other breast a lift at the same time as the reconstruction. I'm fine with this (I feel that I am so young it is important to me to feel as normal as possible once is this all done), but that requires that all of the ducts in my healthy breast be cut. This could lead to not being able to breast feed at all. I already know that my left breast produces milk (even if a small amount) and I am determined to have another baby and breast feed at least in part. I don't know why, other than that I fought so incredibly hard to breast feed Bella and feel a little like I "failed" at my effort, but this has become a point I am fixated on. I will breast feed again.
So with all of this information, it is likely that I will wait to have my reconstructive surgery until I am done having children. We are now talking about years. If I had my druthers I would get pregnant sometime next fall. That would put Bella and her future sibling three years apart. My oncologist wants me to wait a year beyond that. My body may or may not allow me to get pregnant on its own. So there are a lot of factors affecting if and when I have another child. Which of course means there are a lot of factors affecting when I will have reconstruction.
In the meantime they will place an expander in my chest as a placeholder to preserve the shape of my breast. I am lucky in that they should be able to preserve the skin and nipple. I could still face some risks with this when I have radiation (including the possibility of the expander coming through the skin- yep you read that right- through the skin), but it seems to be the best plan available.
I'll leave the discussion about the type of reconstruction for another day. That is a large topic that deserves its own post and I could change my mind about what type of reconstruction I have between now and the time I have it. But if you're curious, right now my best option is looking like a tram flap surgery.
To say I had a melt down today is fair. This was not the news I was hoping for at all. I went from feeling like I had my eyes set on October as the finish line to now facing major surgery sometime in a couple of years. I keep saying "I just want to be done with this". I guess today, I can safely say, this just sucks. I really haven't felt too negative as this process has gone on. I haven't had too many pity parties, mostly feeling like I just needed to continue moving forward and it would all be fine. Today, I can easily say with the best of you, that this sucks. This is not something anyone should have to go through, particularly a young woman like myself. It isn't a fair disease and the treatment is brutal. I feel as though around every corner I keep receiving news that makes this just a little bit longer, a little bit more difficult, and continually changing the landscape of my future.
On the bright (?) side, after I'm done having babies, I'm guaranteed new breasts and a surgery that works like a tummy tuck! There are lots of women out there who pay big bucks to have that happen. Not a choice I would make myself, but hey, I've gotta keep my eyes on that silver lining right?
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