Change of Plans

I posted a couple of weeks ago that I was planning on having my implant exchange surgery on December 28th.  Today I had my follow up appointment with my Radiation Oncologist.  She is very pleased with how I have healed and thinks everything looks great.  So great that aside from seeing her before having surgery, she doesn't want to see me until March of 2013!!!  Yep, over a year from now!

With that said, she shared with me that statistics indicate a significant decrease of potential risks after six months post radiation.  She isn't worried about my skin- that should heal just fine.  She also said my plastic surgeon is excellent (actually she raved about my cosmetic results even compared to women with their final implant in, and I only have the expander!), and that his willingness to work on me wasn't wrong per se.  However, the main issue is that there is a much higher risk for tissue fibrosis internally.  Essentially I want my expander replaced because it feels like a rock on my chest and I am wretchedly uncomfortable.  However, if the tissue reacts because it hasn't finished its process post-radiation, then I could end up just as uncomfortable with a more permanent rock on my chest.

So after a lengthy discussion trying to weigh risk versus benefit, I have decided to trust my gut that my body isn't ready.  I am still experiencing some swelling from the radiation, and had even tried to do some research to figure out why at least one of the plastic surgeons I met with told me that they wouldn't be allowed to operate on me for 6-12 months post radiation.  Now that my doctor has explained to me what the risk is, and how it fits into the time frame, I trust that waiting, at least a little bit longer, is the right choice.  Although I'm disappointed that I won't be done in 2011, I feel good about my decision.  My doctor also shared with me that the reason I can't have an MRI with my expander (one of the reasons I wanted to have it swapped out) is that they are concerned about the magnet- not me.  There is no risk of the expander ripping through my skin or some horrible other interaction.  They just don't want to ruin the machine, and the reality is that it really won't do that either.  We would also be doing MRIs on my remaining breast, not for the affected side.  So using ultrasound and mammogram (and PET scan if necessary) is more than sufficient.

Although today's appointment changed my plans, it left me feeling much more confident about getting through my next year.  Life looks a little better to me each and every day.

Blessings

I am so blessed.  I say it over and over but the brilliant part is that I keep being reminded of this fact.  I have really been enjoying my first three days as a "free" woman.  I've done such crazy things as vacuuming, going to dinner at my sisters, helping throw a baby shower, and going to the beach with my family!  I know- you are all jealous at the exciting life I lead. =)  Honestly though, to be able to do these things without requiring a three shot espresso drink to make it through, it is exciting. 

Today was a wonderful day.  I woke up to my sweet girl, who slept through the night (amazing!!!) saying "up, up, up"... Usually she cries to be retrieved from her crib, so that was a sweet development.  Then after we snuggled in bed and watched the mickey mouse clubhouse (no judgement- an extra half hour in bed is really so welcomed), we went out to brunch with Nick's mom Lorraine.  Eggs Benedict and a nap later, it was time to get out of the house.  Nick decided we should pack up the dogs and head out to the beach.  It was a BEAUTIFUL day.  Seriously, I don't think we could have hand picked a nicer day.  Here's a photo of me and my favorite girl taking in some positive ions.

I'm not back to my full energy level, though frankly its been so long since I've been at full energy (two years- pregnant, newborn, cancer) that I don't even know what that actually feels like anymore.  I have decided though that now is the time to start pushing through and do the things I've been wanting to.  That means getting a workout routine incorporated into my life, finding and doing fun activities with Bella (like the zoo, discovery museum, the beach, etc), cooking, and getting my housekeeping back under control.  I am totally confident that I will get there and find my stride with all of these things.

On to my gratitudes. =)  I'm determined to stick with this.  It really would be easier though if I was actually posting each day! C'est la vie...

Thursday, I was grateful for my freedom from cancer treatment!  As much as I appreciate that the treatment has done its job and I am cancer free, I am so grateful to have my life back.  Eight and a half months of various medical treatments has worn me down.  But I am done!!!!

Friday I was grateful for my new vacuum.  Is that sad? Anyhow I strongly disliked our old vacuum and we indulged in a new one that is really nice.  I vacuumed Friday and it was so nice.

Saturday I was grateful for old friends.  I have a number of people in my life that have known me as far back as elementary school.  It is truly a blessing to have friends that know your history, your family and the core of who you are and have always been.

Today I am grateful for the beautiful place that we live.  To get to go to the beach in November, and have absolute perfect weather- not too hot, not too cold, not too windy- is one of the many reasons they call this paradise.  My daughter gets to have the sand in her toes and the ocean at her side while the sun shines down on her.  How lucky are we?

Life is good.

Crossing the finish line

Tomorrow is my last day of radiation.  Officially.  I hardly believe it, but my doctor isn't even in the office tomorrow, so she can't decide tomorrow to change it. =)  It is difficult to wrap my brain around being done.  I've spent the last eight months of my life moving from one phase, to the next, to the next to manage this diagnosis.  Now, suddenly, I'm done.  Now it is time to mentally and emotionally heal and truly move on from this strange, unexpected blip in my life.

I've missed some gratitudes this week, but only in blog land, so I will catch up.

Monday I was grateful for Isabella.  Of course I am grateful for her every day, but it was one of those days where my heart sang extra loud for her.  She gets sweeter and sweeter every single day and I am so very lucky to be her mom.

Yesterday I was grateful for Nick's mom Lorraine.  She has been so wonderful through this whole process.  Well, since I came into her life honestly.  I hear horror stories all the time about mother-in-laws and think how truly blessed I have been and am.  Anyhow what inspired me yesterday to make it the day of gratitude for Lorraine was her phone call yesterday evening.  She was calling to discuss my birthday party with Nick (which she is very involved in helping to plan), to offer to come over tonight to take Bella for the night (giving both Nick and I a night off), and to ask if she can take me dress shopping for my party.  She is just constantly amazing me with her generosity of all resources, most particularly her time, energy and spirit.  I am lucky to have her in my life, and extra lucky to call her family.

Today I am grateful to be through the tough first year of motherhood.  Although certainly we still have difficult days, generally speaking Bella gets more and more fun, and "easier" each and every day.  I was reminded how hard those early days were when I spoke to a girlfriend who has a two and a half week old today.  It is a magical time that I miss regularly, but man it is hard.  So today I count my blessings that we are through those scary, uncertain, overwhelming days.

The end is in sight!

I went the full week without any treatments at all. The skin in my armpit was the problem at first (it peeled and was raw and angry) but then on Friday when that had healed enough, the area under my breast was too irritated. The good news though is that I will be treated no matter what on Monday and will finish on Wednesday or Thursday. If my skin hasn't healed enough we will skip my last full treatment and go straight to the boost, which doesn't hit the problematic areas, and finish Wednesday. If I'm healed, we will do my final treatment, then the boosts, and finish on Thursday. So the end is in sight again! With that- to my gratitude for the day.

Today I am grateful for my mom. Last night she told me that she was planning on taking Isabella this morning so that nick could sleep (I had rehearsal). No one asked her to do this, she simply saw the need and offered. This is one example of how she has been through this entire process. It is rarely easy for an adult child and their parent to live together, but we have done amazingly well and I am so incredibly grateful to have had her through this process. It's nice to know your mommy is there especially wen you're not well. :)

Continuing Gratitude

Well I missed a day so today there will be two gratitudes.

This week has really been a challenging start to my gratitude project. My skin hurts, I'm tired, and the light at the end of the tunnel keeps moving away from me! But what better time to practice gratitude than when you're feeling frustrated?

Yesterday I was grateful for music. Music can be cathartic, lift your spirit, soothe your soul, bring people together, and encourage change. Plus, it makes my baby happy!

Today I am grateful for my dad. He has been so supportive through this process. Particularly through these last weeks when I've struggled so much with asking for the help I've needed, he has continually answered me with "whatever you need". I am so grateful for that.

Disappointment

I have been fighting this battle now for eight months.  I have felt very lucky that nothing has really delayed any of my treatments.  I sailed through chemo with no delays.  I scheduled my surgery and barrelled right through.  It took awhile to have my drains removed, but it didn't actually delay my radiation or my tissue expander filling.  I started radiation and managed to fly through five weeks of treatment without much effect other than a little fatigue.

This past week has officially thrown me off that lucky trend.  My skin has gone from slightly irritated to complete radiation burn.  There are two spots that have peeled and are now open, raw skin.  This is where my doctor draws the line.  It is too damaged to treat.  I haven't had a treatment since Monday.  In case you've forgotten, I was supposed to have my last treatment tomorrow.  Now I'm taking tomorrow off completely (not going to the clinic just to be turned away for the fourth day in a row).  This is in hopes that my skin will heal enough to have my treatment on Friday.  Assuming I am able to be treated on Friday, and keep pace, I will finish on Wednesday of next week.

I'm pretty disappointed to say the least.  When I finish these treatments, I am done with treatment.  So to have that end so close, and yet so far, has been a tough pill to swallow.  But I'm trying to keep my attitude of gratitude for the month, so here we go.

Today I am grateful to have a doctor who genuinely cares about both my immediate, and long term health and well being.  I know that I am being cared for in the best possible way and have an excellent team working for me.  Not everyone can say that, and I am grateful that I can!

Keep rolling along

I am nearly halfway done with my radiation treatment now.  Tomorrow I will complete three weeks out of six.  I confirmed today that I will be done on either November 3rd or 4th.  I have 26 regular treatments, then three "boost" treatments where they focus in on some tighter regions, and then finally they will likely throw one "extra at me.  That is 29 or 30 total treatments.

In other news my cycle restarted today.  Theoretically that means that I am still fertile and can have more babies the old fashioned way.  It's funny because it is something that I've been really stressing about and now that it has happened I realize that if it comes down to it, and I'm not able to have any more babies, I'm okay with that.  Don't get me wrong, I want at least one more child, but I realize that I'm lucky to have Isabella and if it came down to it, she is enough.  Truth is, no one wants to be told that the choice is taken away from them.  I suppose that is really the foundation of it all.

Although it has been quite awhile since I last wrote, I'm feeling a bit spacey and less than inspired right now, so I will leave it there for now.  And leave you with a sweet picture of my independent little girl.

On we go...

Today was my fourth radiation treatment.  I have nearly completed one full week.  So, how do I feel?  Fine so far.  No side effects gratefully.  My skin doesn't show any damage and I don't feel any more tired than normal.  This week has mostly forced me to remember that although I have been declared cancer free, I am still "fighting cancer" and it is still a big deal.  Having treatment, even one that doesn't directly affect me during or after, every single weekday is a quick way to remember that.

How am I doing?  That is a much larger question.  I've admittedly been struggling for some time now.  Emotionally since surgery I've been feeling my mortality and the weight of this disease.  I cry often worried that somehow, eventually, this disease will get the better of me.  The what-ifs weigh heavily.  I've also been struggling with my physical appearance.  My "foob" (the cancer term for fake boob) really does not look like a breast at all to me, and is completely uneven with my other breast.  A good bra can make a difference, but radiation requires that I do not wear anything constricting in an effort to protect my skin.  My hair is also really growing back (yay!) and has officially reached awkward, fuzzy, non-style phase.  I think I can use some product to help at least make it spiky and semi "done", but mostly it just looks like a baby duckling, fuzzy and awkward.  I'm trying to not worry about these physical manifestations of my fight, but when they are reflected in photos, it is hard to forget.

The good news is that I am seeing a counselor again and working on my cancer demons.  I'm hoping it will help me feel a little less sensitive.  I don't mind grappling with mortality, I just need to feel like I have a little bit of control about when it hits me.  I really dislike being a leaky faucet.  We are discussing the possibility of some chemical help for me in this department.  Short term, it might be just the ticket.

In other good news, I have some fun things to focus on other than being a cancer/radiation patient.  Of course Isabella is keeping me busy busy busy with her sweet, glowing self.  She is walking (running?) like crazy these days.  She is so BUSY all the time exploring her world from this new perspective.  She is also learning new words and concepts every single day.  Just moments ago we watched as she practiced the up/down concept (gratefully she was doing the lifting).  She is truly amazing and such a joy to be around.  We are also planning a quick jaunt down to Disneyland next week to check out the Halloween decorations.  Just Nick, Bella and myself.  We will be there for just a minute, but since we upgraded to annual passes when we visited in July, we figured we should take advantage!  Once we return, I get to get busy rehearsing for the annual Mountain Play benefit/gala.  This year is a tribute to director Jim Dunn who is celebrating his 30th and last year on the mountain.  It will be a big celebration for such an important part of the Mountain Plays recent history.

Before all of this, however, I have a rock show to perform in!  This Saturday night I will be singing in the Wine, Women and Song "Breastival" at 19 Broadway in Fairfax, 9pm.  I will be singing two songs myself, and (in a non self-deprecating way) I am at the bottom end of the talent scale for this event.  In other words, these people ROCK!  So you really should come and check it out.  Here's a photo of me rehearsing last week for the show.  This is the beginning of my rock and roll self (plus you can see what I'm talking about with the crazy hair and foob issue I'm having).

The Final Battle Begins

Tomorrow I will have my first radiation treatment.  I had a simulation appointment on Friday, which was a sort of dress rehearsal.  We did everything but the actual dosage.  I don't have very much to say about this other than that I am ready to begin this process so that it can finally be over and done with.  I have my sights set on getting my life back.  In just a few short weeks I will be done fighting cancer.  At least physically.  The mental and emotional damage will take years to process, but at least my life won't be full of appointments and treatments and doctors any longer.

So tomorrow morning at 10am, see those rays finding any rogue cells so that this final push is truly final.

Radiation

Today I had my treatment planning for radiation.  Essentially I spent half an hour learning about radiation, and then two hours getting positioned for treatment.  I know it sounds odd that it takes two hours to get positioned, but the idea is that the position has to be a) reproducible and b) comfortable for 30-40 minutes at a time.  Oh yeah, and it has to fit in the machine.  It took quite a long time to get my arms positioned correctly.  Then they took some images with the CT machine and gave me my tattoos.

Yes, you read that correctly, I have tattoos now.  Four dots around my breast that make a square (or diamond I suppose).  They will help reproduce the exact same position for the radiation from appointment to appointment.

Now that they have done the positioning, and taken the additional images, my doctor will take all of that information, put it together with the information they had before (from the MRI, mammogram and PET scan) and using a fancy computer system, design my treatment.  They can do crazy things with these beams.  This will take about three days.

On Friday, I will be going in for my "simulation" appointment.  Essentially they will take me through the process, step by step, exactly as we will do on treatment days, all the way up until the point that they would beam me with radiation.  Then, on Monday, I begin treatment five days a week.

I will have 26-28 treatments, which means I will be done sometime between October 31st and November 2nd.  I'm holding November 4th as my "done by" date, just in case.  That is a Friday and I figure I can be sure we will be done by then.

Here we go again.  My side effects should be mild- they say my skin will react like a sunburn and I might feel fatigued.  Nothing like chemo however.  If you have thoughts and prayers to spare, please think of me over the next several weeks.  See the radiation being effective, eliminating any rogue cells that may still be in my body.  See my body taking the radiation in for its purpose and sustaining my health beyond that.  See my future scans being clear- for the rest of my life.

Final Stretch

I am gearing up for the final stretch of treatment.  On Monday I will have my treatment planning appointment for radiation, and I should start the actual treatment by the end of next week.  I admit as I get closer my anxiety increases.  Not surprising as here I am, facing yet another "unknown" that could really negatively affect me.  I'm also still not quite 100% recovered from surgery (that takes months for most major surgeries) though am really improving day by day and have been able to get a great deal of normalcy back in my life.  I already feel a little bit beaten down just at the prospect of feeling crummy again.  Though its possible that I won't have any issues.

Ah the ever present joy of future-tripping over things I can't control.  Such a wasteful pastime of mine!  I genuinely hope I can get over this silliness someday.

Radiation

For a factual cancer update...

I am healing quite nicely from surgery.  I would say I am at a good 70-80%.  Considering it really takes months to get to 100% I feel pretty good about that.  I do have one more "fill" for my tissue expander which will happen this Wednesday, and those leave me a little sore.  Nothing too bad, it just takes a couple of days to recover.

My treatment planning appointment for radiation is scheduled for Monday September 19th.  This appointment will place me in a CT scan for a couple of hours while they collect a ton of information to compile with all of the information they already have (MRIs, PET scan, mammogram, etc).  All of this information goes into a super computer where an exact treatment plan will be determined by my Radiological Oncologist.  Once this plan is complete I will begin treatment.  We expect this will be at the end of the same week (so around the 22nd or 23rd).  Once I begin I will have 28-30 treatments.  Based on the timing, I should be done with treatment by the first couple of days of November.  Once that is all done, I will be officially done with treatment and moving on to observation.  I am so looking forward to that day.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  That is a good thing.