Other people's opinions

I try very hard to not let other people's opinions of me get me down.  I am terrible at it.  Today is a perfect example.


This morning I had an interview.  I also had a date for tomorrow night.  Both things I was excited about.  I left the interview feeling totally unsure about how it went.  It was short and I left with the impression that I didn't say what they wanted to hear.  Or I wasn't the person they wanted to find.  It shouldn't matter, but I want to be wanted.  I want the job because it sounds interesting, and challenging, and would allow me to be home with my children while paying the bills.  And the guy... Well he was younger.  But not crazy young.  And adorable.  And we had plenty in common that would have kept things fun and interesting.  But apparently when I stated that I wanted more than just sex, that meant I wanted something serious.  Despite the clear explanation of what that meant (and far from serious it was).... But instead of meeting me, and seeing if we clicked, or talking to me about it, he freaked out and cancelled.  Again...  Oh yes, this is the second go around I've had with this gentleman...


Between these two things, and my children not listening, (because they were tired and transitioning from being with their dad all weekend, and they were hot), I lost it.  I stopped being the mom I want to be.  I lost my temper and bedtime was no fun.  My energy was sapped and now I want to go to bed early instead of doing anything useful (though I did at least clean the kitchen)...


I am tired of feeling this way.  I'm tired of feeling undesirable.  Guys want to sleep with me, but not date me.  People want to see my house, but not buy it.  Companies want to interview me, but not hire me... Well I guess that last one is yet to be seen.  Still, none of it should actually reflect on my self worth.  And yet here I lie, with a splitting headache, feeling even worse than I did before I had the possibility of any of these things.  I know I am worth more than I am getting.  Yet I continue to allow the treatment of less.  So how do I change this?  Just like my house, how do I get people to see the value I see?


I feel a little beat down from this one... And lets be honest, we don't know what is happening with the job, so really, it is all over a guy that I just wanted to have some fun with... Go figure.

Falling in love

I want to fall in love.  I know, odd since I just posted yesterday about how I am not ready for a relationship.  But I look around, I see pictures on facebook, and everywhere I look, I see couples.  I know the reality under it all, so it isn't that I believe everything I see.  But I do know what it feels like to be in love.  And I miss that.  I miss feeling like my heart is pouring out of my eyes when I look at someone.  I miss being in someone's arms when I sleep at night.  I miss having that one person who wants to be with you above all else.


I know it will come when it is time, and I am super clear that it isn't time yet.  I also know that the distractions I've been trying to hold that space with simply don't work.  And as hard as the emptiness is, it is what I need to come to terms with.


So my next thought is that I need to fall in love with myself.  I've been trying in truth.  I've been dating myself for about a year now, and I think it is going well.  I enjoy my own company.  I think I'm funny and have excellent taste.  I like all the same things as me and am even discovering some new things that I didn't know I enjoyed.  The only trouble is I can't quite wrap my arms around myself at night.  There is no extra warmth when I share my bed with me.  And when I talk to myself, I frequently get funny looks from other people.


So what comes next?  How do I make my life what I want it to be?  I know it can't be forced, but how do I find happiness and contentment in this space?  I know that my life is pretty darn good.  I have no real world problems, only first world problems.  I am educated and skilled and could likely go out and get any number of jobs quite easily tomorrow.  I have food in my refrigerator and a beautiful home.  I have two children who love me, and I them.  I have wonderful friends and family who have my back.  I have many comforts beyond this that the vast majority of the people in this world do not have.  And yet, with all of that, I still feel lonely.  I used to tell my ex that I didn't care what he did for a living.  If he was miserable (and he was) he should just quit his job.  The worst that would happen would be that we would lose our home and have to live in some crappy apartment together.  But we would be together.  I know he never believed me since he liked the trappings of our life as much as I did.  But I always meant it.  And to this day I mean it.  I know the value of having love in your life.  It is the people and the relationships that matter.  And it is something I miss deeply.


This is where the what ifs start to play in my head.  What if I don't meet anyone to share my life with?  What if it is just me and my kids now?  What if once they leave, it is just me?  Can I be happy?  Although I am certain I could be happy, and will find my way to enjoying my life as it is, I don't believe I will be satisfied being alone.  I used to imagine my adult life alone.  I never imagined a partner for myself until much later in life (of course that was because I was going to be too busy with my starring broadway career)...  My imagined successful life was a beautiful NYC apartment, with a performing career and a dog.  I lived alone in that dream.  But now that I have had enjoyed a taste of partnership, togetherness and true love, I feel incomplete without it.  Don't get me wrong, I am a whole person.  I have interests and friends and a life that is pretty full and great.  But having that person by your side, makes it all worth more.


So here I am, walking through the in between.  My life isn't what it was but not what it yet will be.  It is an uncomfortable place for me.  And my distractions have all abandoned me.  The question is- what is it I am supposed to be focusing on?  What is it that I am supposed to be working on?  I've been sitting in this awfully uncomfortable space for some time now and I'm losing my patience for it.  I need movement. 

Ego Bashing

Between divorce and dating my ego has taken a thorough bashing over the last couple of weeks.  I'm not sure what it is about me but for some reason online dating seems to only bring me men that want to sleep with me.  Not even take me on a date first, just sleep with me.  Although at first that wasn't an issue because I needed that sexual confidence again; to believe that I was desirable and had something interesting to offer.  Now though I just want more.  Not the next love of my life, but someone who wants to hang out with me.  Go to dinner or a show, or anything really.  The intimacy is a natural part of it, but apparently the other is hard to find.  I frankly don't understand it.  I'm not looking for love and marriage here- what's wrong with a little food or drink together?


Meanwhile I've had to spend all this time with the ex this week as we prepare the house for sale.  I was reminded what a great team we make.  How many memories we share.  We even had some really good conversations about things moving forward that needed to happen.  At one point we were talking about painting and what a pain it is.  He was making fun of himself (he is really not good at painting) and commented on how he did a bad job the first time he painted the family room and that's when he was trying to do a good job to impress me.  I laughed and said "you never tried to impress me"... He said he did.  That all his "little projects" around the house, there was always a piece that was trying to impress me.  When he said this it broke my heart.  Further proof of how terrible our communication and understanding of one another was.  I truly never felt that anything he did was about me.  I didn't feel like he was trying to impress me in any way.  He did what suited him and possibly factored me in, but that was the extent.  Don't get me wrong, occasionally there were things he did for me of course, but I definitely never felt as though he was trying to impress me.  If only he knew how much I loved him then.  The people we have become today definitely do not belong together.  But that love, in the past, was real and powerful... And then he called his girlfriend.  Yeah.  That hurt.


And this is where my stupid ego comes into play again.  I don't want a relationship and all it entails.  Not right now.  But I want someone calling me, wanting to see me and spend time with me.  And I don't have that.  Not like that.  I am blessed to have amazing friends and family that fill that hole currently, but it is different.  Having that one person who just wants to make you smile, and you feel the same.  That's special.


So I go back to the dating world.  The "friends" I have are all wrapped up in their own lives right now.  No one is seeking me out.  The only guys reaching out to me want sex and nothing more.  And the one guy I was connected to that I actually felt some chemistry with, ended up reacting to me almost identically to my ex, which sent me into those old habits and behaviors.  Suffice it to say, I will not be seeing him again.  Not that he was really trying to see me any way.  And that's what sucks.  New guys come around.  They are interested for a minute, and then disappear.  Some pursue me with great vigor and even make a date, and then just stop replying.  Others never make it to actually asking me out but suddenly a switch is flipped and they turn into horny sex monsters.  Who send inappropriate pictures of themselves.  Or they're in prison.  Or married.  Or out of the country... Yeah so my ego is a little messed up right now. 


Of course this isn't where my energy or attention needs to be.  It needs to be on preparing my house for sale, and moving, and starting my business.  But everyone needs a little pick me up, a little distraction from time to time.  Something to spur me on through what is easily the hardest thing I've done maybe ever.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to walk away from the life that I had.  I realize it was broken, but I would have fixed it.  It didn't belong in the trash.  But that is where I am finding myself.  Alone.  In a house far too big for me.  With kids that don't even seem to like me most days (why would they when dad's house is so much more fun)...  This too shall pass, right???