I want to fall in love. I know, odd since I just posted yesterday about how I am not ready for a relationship. But I look around, I see pictures on facebook, and everywhere I look, I see couples. I know the reality under it all, so it isn't that I believe everything I see. But I do know what it feels like to be in love. And I miss that. I miss feeling like my heart is pouring out of my eyes when I look at someone. I miss being in someone's arms when I sleep at night. I miss having that one person who wants to be with you above all else.
I know it will come when it is time, and I am super clear that it isn't time yet. I also know that the distractions I've been trying to hold that space with simply don't work. And as hard as the emptiness is, it is what I need to come to terms with.
So my next thought is that I need to fall in love with myself. I've been trying in truth. I've been dating myself for about a year now, and I think it is going well. I enjoy my own company. I think I'm funny and have excellent taste. I like all the same things as me and am even discovering some new things that I didn't know I enjoyed. The only trouble is I can't quite wrap my arms around myself at night. There is no extra warmth when I share my bed with me. And when I talk to myself, I frequently get funny looks from other people.
So what comes next? How do I make my life what I want it to be? I know it can't be forced, but how do I find happiness and contentment in this space? I know that my life is pretty darn good. I have no real world problems, only first world problems. I am educated and skilled and could likely go out and get any number of jobs quite easily tomorrow. I have food in my refrigerator and a beautiful home. I have two children who love me, and I them. I have wonderful friends and family who have my back. I have many comforts beyond this that the vast majority of the people in this world do not have. And yet, with all of that, I still feel lonely. I used to tell my ex that I didn't care what he did for a living. If he was miserable (and he was) he should just quit his job. The worst that would happen would be that we would lose our home and have to live in some crappy apartment together. But we would be together. I know he never believed me since he liked the trappings of our life as much as I did. But I always meant it. And to this day I mean it. I know the value of having love in your life. It is the people and the relationships that matter. And it is something I miss deeply.
This is where the what ifs start to play in my head. What if I don't meet anyone to share my life with? What if it is just me and my kids now? What if once they leave, it is just me? Can I be happy? Although I am certain I could be happy, and will find my way to enjoying my life as it is, I don't believe I will be satisfied being alone. I used to imagine my adult life alone. I never imagined a partner for myself until much later in life (of course that was because I was going to be too busy with my starring broadway career)... My imagined successful life was a beautiful NYC apartment, with a performing career and a dog. I lived alone in that dream. But now that I have had enjoyed a taste of partnership, togetherness and true love, I feel incomplete without it. Don't get me wrong, I am a whole person. I have interests and friends and a life that is pretty full and great. But having that person by your side, makes it all worth more.
So here I am, walking through the in between. My life isn't what it was but not what it yet will be. It is an uncomfortable place for me. And my distractions have all abandoned me. The question is- what is it I am supposed to be focusing on? What is it that I am supposed to be working on? I've been sitting in this awfully uncomfortable space for some time now and I'm losing my patience for it. I need movement.
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