On we go...

Today was my fourth radiation treatment.  I have nearly completed one full week.  So, how do I feel?  Fine so far.  No side effects gratefully.  My skin doesn't show any damage and I don't feel any more tired than normal.  This week has mostly forced me to remember that although I have been declared cancer free, I am still "fighting cancer" and it is still a big deal.  Having treatment, even one that doesn't directly affect me during or after, every single weekday is a quick way to remember that.

How am I doing?  That is a much larger question.  I've admittedly been struggling for some time now.  Emotionally since surgery I've been feeling my mortality and the weight of this disease.  I cry often worried that somehow, eventually, this disease will get the better of me.  The what-ifs weigh heavily.  I've also been struggling with my physical appearance.  My "foob" (the cancer term for fake boob) really does not look like a breast at all to me, and is completely uneven with my other breast.  A good bra can make a difference, but radiation requires that I do not wear anything constricting in an effort to protect my skin.  My hair is also really growing back (yay!) and has officially reached awkward, fuzzy, non-style phase.  I think I can use some product to help at least make it spiky and semi "done", but mostly it just looks like a baby duckling, fuzzy and awkward.  I'm trying to not worry about these physical manifestations of my fight, but when they are reflected in photos, it is hard to forget.

The good news is that I am seeing a counselor again and working on my cancer demons.  I'm hoping it will help me feel a little less sensitive.  I don't mind grappling with mortality, I just need to feel like I have a little bit of control about when it hits me.  I really dislike being a leaky faucet.  We are discussing the possibility of some chemical help for me in this department.  Short term, it might be just the ticket.

In other good news, I have some fun things to focus on other than being a cancer/radiation patient.  Of course Isabella is keeping me busy busy busy with her sweet, glowing self.  She is walking (running?) like crazy these days.  She is so BUSY all the time exploring her world from this new perspective.  She is also learning new words and concepts every single day.  Just moments ago we watched as she practiced the up/down concept (gratefully she was doing the lifting).  She is truly amazing and such a joy to be around.  We are also planning a quick jaunt down to Disneyland next week to check out the Halloween decorations.  Just Nick, Bella and myself.  We will be there for just a minute, but since we upgraded to annual passes when we visited in July, we figured we should take advantage!  Once we return, I get to get busy rehearsing for the annual Mountain Play benefit/gala.  This year is a tribute to director Jim Dunn who is celebrating his 30th and last year on the mountain.  It will be a big celebration for such an important part of the Mountain Plays recent history.

Before all of this, however, I have a rock show to perform in!  This Saturday night I will be singing in the Wine, Women and Song "Breastival" at 19 Broadway in Fairfax, 9pm.  I will be singing two songs myself, and (in a non self-deprecating way) I am at the bottom end of the talent scale for this event.  In other words, these people ROCK!  So you really should come and check it out.  Here's a photo of me rehearsing last week for the show.  This is the beginning of my rock and roll self (plus you can see what I'm talking about with the crazy hair and foob issue I'm having).

Koya Huye!

Today was a truly heart filling, soul smiling sort of day.  I woke up (albeit exhausted from less than 3 hours of sleep after some serious insomnia), to hugs and kisses from my sweet girl.  We got up and enjoyed a delicious and healthy breakfast together and then ran some errands.  After that it was time to run off to my dear friend Angela's baby shower.  Angela is about 33 weeks pregnant with a little girl, and it was so wonderful to see her glowing and beautiful and celebrate this life she is growing.

After the shower, I had been invited to participate in/ witness a marriage proposal.  Sounds strange I know... In 2007 I was a tribe member of the cast of Hair for the mountain play.  Two of our cast mates, Erica and Jeff, met during this show and began dating a short while later.  They have been together ever since.  About a month ago Jeff called up the entire Hair tribe (which we named Koya Huye) and asked them to be hiding in the mountain theatre this afternoon.  He planned to bring Erica to the stage, propose and then shout out "Koya!" to which the group would resoundingly respond with "Huye!".  This was our call during the show.  Then the group would show themselves and celebrate with the happy couple.  I sadly couldn't make it up in time for the proposal (I was still celebrating Angela- another tribe member), but made it up to catch the end of the celebration.

It's funny- through the years I have always referred to my "theatre friends" as a specific type.  Generally speaking, when you do a show, the cast becomes a family.  You are bonded for life in this odd way.  Then, once the show is over, you lose contact.  Even with this, when you run into these people after the show, there is still a heartfelt connection.  The cast of hair is not only no exception, it is an even stronger bond since it truly encourages the "tribe" mentality.  To be able to reunite with so many of these wonderful people truly made my heart sing.

On top of the pure joy of the event, and wonderful reunion with beloved tribe members, I also had the opportunity to remember a piece of me that has been neglected for some time.  I spent some time talking with the mountain plays choreographer and after mentioning how much I miss it and want to "get back up there" (meaning the mountain in particular, and the stage generally), he kept saying "come back- we love you!".  We had enjoyed a similar conversation when I had seen him at this year's performance of Hairspray.  It dusted out some of those cobwebs collecting in my heart and soul.  I easily fall into the trap of "just" mommy, or cancer victim, or wife, or whatever.  I hadn't realized how neglected Karey had become in the meantime.  When you have so little energy, and it all goes towards healing first and mommying second, self-care (for your heart and soul and mind) easily fall by the way-side.  So I am setting the intention to audition for next year's mountain play.  Assuming my life will support it and nothing else gets in the way- as I see it, performing will provide exercise (from dance), social interaction as more than Bella's mommy, and heart cleansing (from singing).  Surely it will make me a better person in all facets of my life.

More to share but I will make them separate posts for easier reading. =)

Rockin' Benefit

Wine, Women & Song is a benefit concert that raises money for the fight against breast cancer. It began in 1998, with first time producer, Susan Zelinsky. As of 2011, over $100,000 has been raised and given to local charities.

I have been involved with Wine, Women and Song for many years through their annual production "The Breast of Broadway".  We haven't had a show in a couple of years, frankly because it is a ton of work and the producers have been busy and overwhelmed with other endeavors.  However, Susan Z, the founder, has continued her original production of a rock and roll benefit featuring local singer/songwriters performing music by artists who have had breast cancer.  It's a wonderful show and really a fun night out.  This year, I will be joining these amazing artists on stage.

Clearly, this is a very personal cause for me now.  My heart was always connected with the mission of the group, and now I want to shout it from the mountain tops.  So I hope for those that can, you will come and rock out with us in support of Breast Cancer awareness, research and programs.

Wine Women and Song, Rack n Roll Music Breastival
19th Broadway
Fairfax, CA
October 1st, 9pm