I'm not sure what it is going to take for my life to get a little gentler. So I am scheduled for a biopsy next week. The radiologist believes it is fat necrosis / scar tissue. Still, we aren't sure until we are sure and that requires a biopsy. So there is that.
Last night the ex and I got into it. He accused me of being vindictive and unreasonable. He offered the equity in our house to buy something new. It isn't something I would have ever asked for on my own. When I came to the conclusion that keeping my house wasn't going to work, I felt ok about it knowing I would have enough for a down payment on something else. I was excited to downsize and start fresh. I've determined what monthly support is reasonable based on the California state calculator. I'm not trying to hurt him or screw him. I am of course trying to protect myself and my kids, but nothing more. He thinks differently.
He also thinks I'm behaving like a different person. This is something I took really personally and thought quite a bit about later. In some ways he is right. I'm not the same person. When we were married I was insecure and broken. I was depressed and focused strictly on family life. Now I have regularly scheduled time to focus on myself. My life has been turned upside down so I am reevaluating every choice I make. Nick didn't care much for going out on the town. I love it. So I go out a lot more now. Before my choice was to be with him. He loved baseball. I tried to get into it but just couldn't quite do it. So I ignored all sports. Now I'm interested in following basketball and possibly football. I live in Novato because of the choices we had when we bought this was where he liked it best. I have always wanted to return to the Ross valley, so I am looking into that.
The list of things that I did or didn't do in the name of my relationship is very long. I don't resent those choices but am making different ones on my own. At the core however, I am still me. I'm stronger, less judgmental, more self-confident, and more able to take life as it comes. More grown up. But at the core, still just me. The most vindictive thing I've done since our split is joke that I'm going to become an SF giants fan and get my kids to join me (he is an la dodgers fan). Really cruel right?
But what all this does is leave me feeling scared and unsure of my future. Will I be able to buy a home? Will I have to work full time and not be able to be present for my kids? How do I offer safety and security when I myself am terrified that the person trusted to share this with wants to battle me?
Even worse, despite the fact that he hasn't been my best friend in years, the person who has been my best friend for my entire adult life is turning into an adversary. And it is all because he decided he no longer wanted to be with me and wanted to be with someone else. I wanted to fight for our marriage. Fix it. Save it. He didn't. So my choices have all been taken away from me and now I have to fight for what he promised he would always give.
It is all completely heartbreaking. My eyes are still puffy from the crying I did last night.
I just really need a break. I need a few things to go smoothly and easily. I need a fresh start and a lot more joy in my life. I need my biopsy next week to come back negative. I need my pants to fit a little looser again. I need my kids to be happy and well mannered. I need my ex to understand that taking care of me is the absolute best thing he can do for his kids. I need my house to sell quickly and for top dollar. I need to find an ideal home for my children for "cheap". I need to find a way to make good money part time so I can still be present for my growing babies. I need to stop dreaming about a reconciliation that I don't want.
That's not too much to ask right?
Last night the ex and I got into it. He accused me of being vindictive and unreasonable. He offered the equity in our house to buy something new. It isn't something I would have ever asked for on my own. When I came to the conclusion that keeping my house wasn't going to work, I felt ok about it knowing I would have enough for a down payment on something else. I was excited to downsize and start fresh. I've determined what monthly support is reasonable based on the California state calculator. I'm not trying to hurt him or screw him. I am of course trying to protect myself and my kids, but nothing more. He thinks differently.
He also thinks I'm behaving like a different person. This is something I took really personally and thought quite a bit about later. In some ways he is right. I'm not the same person. When we were married I was insecure and broken. I was depressed and focused strictly on family life. Now I have regularly scheduled time to focus on myself. My life has been turned upside down so I am reevaluating every choice I make. Nick didn't care much for going out on the town. I love it. So I go out a lot more now. Before my choice was to be with him. He loved baseball. I tried to get into it but just couldn't quite do it. So I ignored all sports. Now I'm interested in following basketball and possibly football. I live in Novato because of the choices we had when we bought this was where he liked it best. I have always wanted to return to the Ross valley, so I am looking into that.
The list of things that I did or didn't do in the name of my relationship is very long. I don't resent those choices but am making different ones on my own. At the core however, I am still me. I'm stronger, less judgmental, more self-confident, and more able to take life as it comes. More grown up. But at the core, still just me. The most vindictive thing I've done since our split is joke that I'm going to become an SF giants fan and get my kids to join me (he is an la dodgers fan). Really cruel right?
But what all this does is leave me feeling scared and unsure of my future. Will I be able to buy a home? Will I have to work full time and not be able to be present for my kids? How do I offer safety and security when I myself am terrified that the person trusted to share this with wants to battle me?
Even worse, despite the fact that he hasn't been my best friend in years, the person who has been my best friend for my entire adult life is turning into an adversary. And it is all because he decided he no longer wanted to be with me and wanted to be with someone else. I wanted to fight for our marriage. Fix it. Save it. He didn't. So my choices have all been taken away from me and now I have to fight for what he promised he would always give.
It is all completely heartbreaking. My eyes are still puffy from the crying I did last night.
I just really need a break. I need a few things to go smoothly and easily. I need a fresh start and a lot more joy in my life. I need my biopsy next week to come back negative. I need my pants to fit a little looser again. I need my kids to be happy and well mannered. I need my ex to understand that taking care of me is the absolute best thing he can do for his kids. I need my house to sell quickly and for top dollar. I need to find an ideal home for my children for "cheap". I need to find a way to make good money part time so I can still be present for my growing babies. I need to stop dreaming about a reconciliation that I don't want.
That's not too much to ask right?
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