I seem to be living on a roller coaster. Just when I think I've reached the end, I discover there is yet another hill to climb, with the twists and turns ahead unseen. Will it be a simple drop? Will my life throw me upside down? All I know is to hang on tight and trust.
Today I had my ultrasound. The procedure itself took maybe 10 minutes at most, but the appointment took approximately 2.5 hours. Most of that time was spent waiting. Waiting at the doctors is bad enough, but add in what us survivors call "scanxiety" and you've got a rough chunk of time. As soon as the techs came back into my room and said "the radiologist will meet with you but she wanted me to do a quick scan of your armpit" (to look for lymphnode concerns), I knew the news wasn't "all clear." So I was braced for our conversation.
Finally after probably an hour in their freezing waiting room (where they were out of hot water so I couldn't even make tea) I was called in. The doctor informed me that she thinks it is just fat necrosis and/or scar tissue (normal for my type of reconstruction... or really anyone who has had surgeries). She isn't worried, but they have to biopsy it to be totally sure.
I said that I figured I would have to have a biopsy, so I was somewhat already prepared for that. But the "what" of the biopsy has really thrown me for a loop. I thought it was on my left side, due to the "noise" they saw last year. It wasn't. Then I thought it was something new on the right side- a "mass" that had been in existence and grown. I'm unclear here. Then I thought it wasn't that but in fact a lymphnode that had changed size. It isn't that either. Now I am back to thinking it is a mass, sort of. On the original cancer side. But if it existed previously, no one thought it was worth examining. That doesn't seem likely to me. So understanding how they typically deal with me, the best I can understand is that this is something that didn't exist before, and now does. It looks on the images like fat necrosis or scar tissue from surgery. None of my doctors are worried. But we have to biopsy it to be 100% sure that there is in fact nothing to worry about.
Meanwhile I am mentally preparing to sell my house. Making a list of all the million and one things I need to accomplish (paint, clean, pack, replace fire alarms, etc) and at the same time look for a new house to buy. I had been looking at one out near my sister for awhile. Today the kids and I drove by it (well, sort of). Turns out it is up an epic hill. I didn't feel safe taking my silly minivan all the way up the driveway so we only sort of glimpsed at what we think was the house. And it isn't something I could deal with every day. I know it is silly but it disappointed me. I trust that we will end up in the right place, but it is a scary process. I care less about the house than I did the first time I did this. It can be a cosmetic disaster and that is fine with me as long as it is functional. But the location is really important since I could be in the house till my kids are grown at least. Alone no less.
And really, that is what all of this comes down to. I am feeling really alone. I have amazing friends and family. I know the support is there, but I miss what I believed I had. A partner in my corner. Someone who was sharing life's trials and tribulations with me. Someone whose hand I could grab, or would laugh with me when those great roller coaster moments hit. The fact is that I didn't really have that. I thought I did, and may have at one point, but it has been years since that person was there. I've been alone for a great deal longer than I have actually been alone. Still, it doesn't really change the feeling of loss. Even if I'd never really had it, I believed that I did and I miss that feeling.
I am tired. Worn out, beat down, exhausted. And what is worse, is within all of this, I am feeling the love and appreciation for the house I am in. The home that was created here. The neighbors I trust and know. I know it is time to move on, but that makes my heart ache too. I am just ready for life to hand me a lollipop instead of lemons. I make a mean lemonade, but I seem to be running out of sugar....
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