Tornado

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." ~ Lena Horne

I only hope to learn how to carry this load in a way that makes me stronger, not weaker.

We are three and a half days into my diagnosis.  Day one, I spent most of the day crying or just trying to understand how it was possible that this had happened.  Day two I cried a little less and even had some "normal" time.  Day three, even less tears, but still no sense of reality.  I feel like I am standing in a tornado, desperately trying to grab a hold of something familiar and solid.  This coming week I have several appointments.  Monday afternoon additional diagnostic imaging which will hopefully show there is no cancer in the left breast or lymph nodes and also give a better measurement of it.  Wednesday morning I meet with the Fertility Preservation clinic at UCSF to establish my current fertility level, and discuss options for my future.  Wednesday afternoon I am supposed to be scheduled to meet with an Oncologist to discuss my game plan, and hopefully specifics about chemotherapy.  Next Monday is my MRI and sometime I should be scheduled for a PET scan.

The good news is that I am finally imagining a future after cancer.  After I received my diagnosis my future went blank.  I just couldn't imagine my life as a "cancer survivor".  Heck, I couldn't imagine that my reality, was real!  But today I was fantasizing about my thirtieth birthday (end of November) and how I'm going to throw a huge birthday\ "I kicked cancer's butt" party.  I mean huge.

In the meantime I am navigating what the next several months are going to look like with my sweet baby girl.  Isabella is getting ready to start crawling (scooting) any day now, with walking not far behind.  Talking is in the not too distant future.  And this summer- right in the middle of my chemotherapy- my sweet baby girl will turn 1 year old.  I am terrified of being incapacitated through these major milestones.  They will give me joy and something to focus on without question, but what if I am not able to be fully present and engaged in them?  Will I be able to chase after my little mover while fighting cancer by poisoning my body?  Is chemo really better than it used to be?

I know that many of these questions will be (somewhat) answered over the next week or two, but I can't help but worry.  I quit my job so that I could be a stay at home mom.  Now I'm looking at not being able to be the mom I intended to be- at least in the short term.  I know that ultimately it won't matter because I will be here in the long term.  Still it's hard to stomach that I may miss out on some of these precious moments with my baby.

So there are some of the fears plaguing me right now.  But every day I spend time with my sweet girl and remember that it is all worth it.  She is talking like you wouldn't believe, and even starting clapping yesterday!  She is so proud of herself when we join in and say "yay Bella!".  She is a smart, bright, shining light and I am so grateful to have her in my life.