Perception

Today I am working to remember that my perception of reality is just
that- a perception. More importantly it is viewed through
exceptionally sleep deprived eyes, which is most likely skewing it
even more than normal. It's tough though when that perception leaves
you feeling pretty lonely.

I know that this time period as a parent is short lived. I know that I
will look back to when my son wanted to sleep on me with fondness and
longing to feel that again. I will wonder where the days went that my
daughter wanted nothing more than to color with me. I know with deep
certainty that these moments are fleeting.

Even with that knowledge, I struggle daily as I wonder where I've
gone. Who I am now that the title mommy has taken over my being. I
know mommy isn't all of me, but right now, in this moment, I struggle
to see any of those other parts. I can't remember how to consistently
be a loving wife. I struggle to maintain my friendships, especially
when there isn't the shared mommy insanity. I desperately miss having
music and the stage in my life, but can't even begin to wrap my brain
around how to have it without the constant mommy guilt. From time to
time I reflect on the fact that I hold a masters degree in education
and am sure I have something to offer from this brain of mine.

Today, I show up. I put one foot in front of the other and do my very
best for now. That might mean my kids are fed and rested but in their
pjs and enjoying take out for dinner. It might mean I take them on an
adventure, apple picking, museums, nature, any of it is good. Usually
it is somewhere in between these things. Most importantly I just try
to trust that when I am ready, my brain, my music, my friends, my life
outside of mommy, will be waiting.