Run in

Today, while checking out at the grocery store, I had a cancer run in.
Sounds bad, but it wasn't I promise.

On the day I was diagnosed, as I left the exam room after hearing the
news, I was introduced to a nurse- Nancy. She was a survivor. She was
kind and encouraging. I have one of those insanely crisp memories of
looking her in the eye and having her hug me.

I kept thinking I would run into her during one of my prenatal
appointments but never did. Well it turns out she left the practice,
though occasionally fills in there. She remembered me too.

Today, standing in the checkout line at trader joes, that memory came
flooding back.

Next month it will be two years from that day. There are certain
moments from that day that I can play back in my minds eye like a
scene from a movie I've seen a thousand times. Sitting at lunch with
my mommy friends and our babies, eating Thai food and telling them
about the biopsy. Going to the bathroom to change Bella and listening
to the voicemail from my doctor. She sounded happy- surely it couldn't
be bad news I had thought. My gut told me she sounded too happy and
wouldn't be calling me so quickly with good news. Answering a second
call from my doctors office and knowing. Calling my mom and sobbing
for her to please come home and go to the doctors with me. Calling
nick and trying to sound like I wasn't worried.

I can play it back like I'm watching a movie. I see it, hear it, feel it.

And yet, here we are, nearly two years later. I'm afraid I'm still
looking over my metaphorical shoulder still, wondering if its
following me. When will it catch me again. I hope as time goes on,
that feeling goes away.