I have to admit, I feel like this whole baby thing is getting harder, not easier. I realize that I was in complete euphoria in the beginning, but even in comparison to my first meltdown, I just feel like I am working harder and struggling more than I was before. I no longer feel like I can breastfeed in public (which I did several times in the first couple of months). Not because I am modest, but because breastfeeding is such a chore now. I have to fight Isabella to keep her latched, and I am still using the nipple shield. I play a game by using a pacifier to get her sucking and then do a quick switcheroo to get her onto the breast (shield). It is as though she just forgets how to suck. I really don't understand this. Her ability to breastfeed has literally gotten worse! I thought as babies grow older and bigger that they get better at breastfeeding.
This combined with the pumping has made me feel chained to my house, or guilty because I know my supply will suffer and I will have to work harder to get it back over the following days. But I continue to fight because I hate how the formula works in her system. I know that she is "fine" and if I asked my pediatrician about the things I see in her, he would tell me that she is "normal". Yes it is true that it is "normal" for a formula fed baby, but that doesn't make it good. I just inherently know that it is trash for her body. In small quantities I don't mind it, but 10 oz a day is just too much. Her whole system is out of whack. Plus cold and flu season is rapidly approaching and I desperately want to give her the "goods" that breast milk offers to protect her over the winter months.
Meanwhile I think I am finally having my hormone crash, and starting to wonder if this might be early post-partum depression/anxiety. I am definitely making mountains out of molehills and so anxious about everything that is going on. Plus my hair is starting to fall out. (I'm not going bald or anything, you grow more hair during pregnancy and then lose it after- all part of the hormone fun.) I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow to figure this out. This is after seeing my counselor on Monday and falling apart in his office. I've cried every day for the past week (maybe more now???)... Yeah, I think this is more than just normal crazy old me.
Well Isabella is waking up so I will save the good stuff for another post soon (I promise!). I need to get her into bed (she has been sleeping in her swing). I need to get myself into bed. Nick offered to have me get a head start and I'm fighting with mild insomnia so I didn't go. Not the brightest since I've been exhausted all week. C'est la vie, right???
Off to bed!
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