Is it real?

I have been on a bit of a downward spiral of late.  Struggling across many facets of life.  As an indication- my Christmas tree is still up.  Yes.  It is nearly Valentines day and I haven't managed to get my tree down.  I manage to get my kids to school, and fed healthy food, and to bed on time.  I manage to show up for my own job, albeit for less hours than my boss (and I) would ultimately like.  And that is where my success stories pretty much stop.  I have been fighting severe, chronic fatigue for over a year now.  It comes and goes, so I didn't see it as an overall issue until recently.  I've spent the last year believing it was due to hypothyroid (possibly Hashimoto's syndrome) and/or adrenal fatigue.  Although I'm not totally taking those things off the list, I have come to a new, more likely culprit for my exhaustion.

Sleep disorder.

I have been referred to a sleep center for a sleep study.  We reviewed what I know and it looks highly likely that I suffer from sleep apnea.  There are some other possibilities as well, but for now I am focusing on that one.

Once I began considering this as an issue, I started to realize that I may have suffered from this my whole life.  There are many times that I look back at my life and have moments of such extreme exhaustion that were clearly at a clinical level of unusual, but I simply took to be normal.  I remember getting in trouble at work once because I had to do a late airport run (delayed flight) and called in late the night before because I knew I would be non-functionally tired.  My then supervisor asked me how I could possibly know I'd be too tired.  I thought she was nuts and wondered how could you not know you'd be that tired.  If I got less than a full 8 hours of sleep, I was affected by it.  I thought that was normal.  We should be getting 8 hours right?  Less should make us tired, right?

Apparently, not exactly the way I experience it... Lack of sleep affects everything.  So the past few days I've really had to fight believing what I'm feeling.  Right now I feel depressed, disconnected, exhausted, sore, run down, and overwhelmed.  Life is too much.  I want so desperately for my life to be happier, better, fuller, but I can't even stay on top of what is on my plate right now.

My sleep study is scheduled for this week.  I am staying focused on not believing how I feel until I get some answers and some solutions.  Once I can start sleeping well, hopefully the rest will resolve itself.  Fingers crossed!

The Working Brain

Several different posts have been percolating in my brain for awhile now.  Between a lack of time and energy, and a lack of clear focused thought, I haven't written anything... So here I am, writing what will no doubt be a rambling post to start finding some coherence to these thoughts...

One of the big topics that has been brewing is what it means to be a single mom.  Things I wish people would understand, things I wish people would do, and how I wish I was seen.  I've noticed some of my own judgments, and also judgments of others (well presumed judgments based on actions)... This perpetual feeling that I'm not enough in any capacity.  I don't have it in me to be all things to all people.  A patient mommy full of crafts and positive discipline.  A hardworking employee with productive, disciplined focus.  A fun friend who listens and plays and shows up.  A grown up that handles all the cooking and cleaning and bill paying.  It feels like so much, and yet it is just life.  I'm certain that I need to write the post of "what I wish you knew" or something to that effect in terms of my life as a single mom.  How it affects my ability to be present, and how desperately lonely it can be.  For now though, suffice it to say, it is crazy hard.  And yes, I have shared custody, and an ex who pays his child support and alimony with no issues.  And it is still insanely hard.  And I still feel like I'm failing every single day.

Another topic has been how to move on after betrayal.  I've really found that I am stuck in hurt and anger.  There is a lot to be explored there as I watch my ex, who used to be my best friend, and who promised to love me forever, move on with his life with his prefab family, while I struggle.  The crushing blow that is to my deep need and sense of justice in the world.  Infidelity is a brutal one.  Especially when the relationship continues beyond the end of the marriage.  It is a pain and betrayal unlike any other.  I want so badly to forgive and move on with my own life, but the hurt is very sticky.

Finally I am approaching my five year cancerversary.  I'm still unclear if the official designation is the date of diagnosis, or the date of "cancer free" but I will acknowledge my diagnosis date for now.  Which is this month.  There is so much to say around the magical five year marker.  Have I moved on from cancer?  Hard to say... Meanwhile I struggle with severe chronic fatigue which seems to be causing other health issues.  The good news is I think I may have some answers soon.  But the fascinating thing is how ever present the fear of cancer remains.  Something is wrong?  Could it be cancer?

So there you have it.  A preview of topics to come.  I'm sure there are more ideas percolating that my tired brain has forgotten at the moment... Lord knows my life looks awfully different today that it did even six months ago.  Time flies when you're having... fun???

The Invitation

Every so often, I am reminded of this text.  I had it hung on my door during high school.  I felt it then, and I feel it now.  At the core it asks "who are you really?" Today, as I continue to explore who I am and what I want, and continue my foray into the world of dating, it becomes increasingly important.  I have stood in the center of the fire.  I know what it feels like to get up in the morning, weary and bone tired but still needing to care for the children.  I know who I am in those moments, and ultimately what sort of partner I want with me at those times.  So truly- this is what matters to me.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

A long week...

Its been a long week for me. Not bad exactly, sort of good, but long. It started when my baby turned three and I got sick.  Then he got sick the day I threw him a party. Then I fell apart. I wasn't totally sure what it was about. All I knew was I was tired, and overwhelmed, and lonely. So, so, lonely. Loneliness isn't about being alone, but it throws the light on it. Then, both my kids were sick. So we've spent the last two days hunkered down, snuggled up, just being together. It was pretty healing for me. I guess I just needed to reconnect with my babies. I think they needed it too. And now they are at their dad's for the night and I am equally missing them and grateful for the break.
So I am in this transition space again (still?) and struggling to know how to move from here to the next place. I don't do well with limbo and of course the universe is saying "suck it up and learn to" while I sit in it. So... Ok. Here I am.

What to say...

I've been wanting to write for some time now.  Many different thoughts have been percolating and I've felt that drive to get them out on "paper" in some form.  I haven't been sure what to say though.  It's been a challenging few weeks.  Who am I kidding?  I'm not sure it ever stopped being challenging- I just found distractions for awhile.  But I have had some acute things come up recently.  Things with my life still aren't settled.  I am trying to find a job that allows me to get clear regarding finances with my ex.  I have needed to come to resolution regarding the sale (or not) of my house.  I need to know what comes next.  I know it is happening.  I feel the shift, even if I can't see it yet.  But that still makes it hard and scary as I continue to put one foot in front of the other.  You just have to trust that the ground is still in front of you for each of those steps.


The largest "new" anxiety that is occupying my mind is how to deal with the upcoming holidays.  The holidays matter to me.  They always have.  I have no less than six large bins full of Christmas decorations.  I have thirty some pieces of china so I could host holidays like Thanksgiving.  I love dressing up and decorating for Halloween.  I love the holidays.  So it is important to me to share them with my children.  When my marriage ended, one of the things I said was that I didn't have children to split holidays and they would be with me.  He was welcome to join us.  Well last year that worked.  However things have changed.  I mentioned to him that we should check in about Halloween, and discovered that he had already made plans with the kids to go with his girlfriend and her family.  This is not an activity or group I would be welcome to join.  It wasn't as though he said "well the kids really want to do this but you are welcome to come with us" or anything of the sort.  He started talking about how we would have to split the night up.  Really?  The four of us can't go trick or treating together?  He can't handle walking around with me for an hour or so?  It was a shocking realization.  I didn't know how to handle it.  I frankly haven't actually handled it other than in my own head.  I resolved to ask to have the kids come to me to get ready.  I will paint their faces, dress them up, take some pictures, and send them on their way.  I can go out and celebrate Halloween with friends.  It hurts.  It isn't what I want, but I support my kids desire to go with their dad this time.


Thanksgiving and Christmas will not be so easy.  I will not spend those days- which are for family without my children.  I won't.  Now, I will always welcome their father to share in their lives.  It is his choice to come or not.  But I will not be alone.  I will not be without my kids.  I will fight for this.  I'm afraid I will have to.  I don't like the idea that this is even a conversation I have to have.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  Mostly I couldn't believe that I even had to consider this.  But I heard today that my ex informed his mom that "we are no longer a family" (meaning the four of us) and so we don't do things together anymore... It explains everything.  And is so, so, so wrong... How do I help him understand that he and I may no longer be a couple, but the fact is that we are family whether he likes it or not?  We are the parents of our children.  That makes us family.  They deserve to have both of their parents in their lives.  They shouldn't have to choose.  How dare he make our children choose???  I haven't done anything to him.  He is unhappy because his choices have left him in an uncomfortable life situation.  I get it.  I want to move forward too.  But even with that, I am fighting, every day, to heal and forgive and move forward, for our children.  It breaks my heart that he can't do the same.  And after all we have been through, I may not want him back as my life partner, but it still hurts to hear him say that he doesn't consider me family anymore.  That is an incredibly low blow.  I don't know about you all, but my family doesn't work that way.  Once you are family, you are forever family.

Hitting the bottom

Yesterday, I clearly hit the bottom of my emotional barrel.  I spent nearly three years begging my ex to "pick me, pick me" and now I'm feeling it with my kids.  I don't mean that I want them to pick me over their dad.  They need us both.  But right now, my ego needs them to want me.


I am also my own worst critic.  Aren't we all?  Despite the fact that I rail against society for the "what do you DO all day?" nonsense against stay at home moms, I am the worst when it comes to that for myself.  I look around my house and wonder, what am I spending my time on?  I know that I waste time.  I know that I "should" be doing more (you know, like the laundry that is piling up again)...


But the piece that I frequently choose to ignore, is that I am chemically depressed.  There may or may not be physical/chemical components to this stemming from health concerns that haven't been addressed.  What I do know is that some days it is a miracle if I can do the bare minimum.  I'm talking kid to school, homework done, lunch packed, other kid fed.  If the best I can do from there is put on movies and snuggle my baby, that's the best I can do.  I know I do my best.  And sometimes that means I can pick myself up by my bootstraps and not fall on my face.  Other times I simply cannot.  Yesterday and today, I could not.  But where do I go from there?  And does that mean I'm best for my kids?


Today was better than yesterday.  By far.  I only got mad once and it was because my big kid hit my little kid.  Otherwise I stayed calm and steady, even in moments of frustration.  Because with two kids under five who have BIG personalities, there are many, MANY moments of frustration.


All I can think is I must truly be depressed if thinking my children would be better off with anyone other than me.  But that right there my friends is the crux of the problem.  Wouldn't anyone be better off with anyone other than me?

Hit the wall

Today, I feel a little like giving up.

I had a beautiful weekend. Amazing weather in a beautiful house with beautiful women. I felt blessed. Truly.

Today, real life starts again.  Although I had a sweet morning with Gio, and Bella was so happy to see me after school, I still just feel inadequate. They always have fun with their dad. And I think he is moving in with his girlfriend. So now they are a happy little family unit. I feel... Replaced. They go and do the things we used to go and do. They go on little day adventures. And while I try, so hard, to give my children the "same" life we had together before, the fact is simple, it isn't the same. I don't have it in me to have the same playful adventuring spirit alone. We still go do things, but I know it just isn't the same. I guarantee they don't talk about their life with me the same way they talk about their life with him.

I just feel a little extraneous. Don't get me wrong, I'm mommy and would be missed, but I feel a little like he's gone ahead and rebuilt what we had so quickly that it feels normal and ok to the kids. Whereas its just me and them. And it isn't enough.

I'm not going to run out just to fill the hole. I know better. But I also don't have enough to give just by myself. So what do I do?

What do you do when you feel like you're children are happier with their other parent?

I know she could NEVER replace me as their mom, but it sort of feels like they wouldn't notice for awhile. I also know that I provide more of the important real life parenting pieces. I am in fact the best parent for them. But some days it is just way too much. I can't be the second choice. The disappointment. I can't hear every day that they want to go to daddy's.  It is way too painful.

How did I end up here? How is it possible my own children don't choose me? I have fought so hard to be present, and kind, and happy through some of the darkest days of my life, and it still isn't enough. So today I ask, why bother?