Though I am very much still healing, I am feeling so good about my body. This surgery was crazy. What it takes and the amount of recovery time is extreme. Going in, I also felt I had absolutely no guarantees. That is a really scary place to be. But I also knew I was miserable in the state of my body and had to do something. Of course there are still plenty of things I plan to do to get my body healthy, but the fact is that I felt broken. My body hadn't been mine in years. From pregnancy to cancer to pregnancy to breastfeeding, I had given my body over to "other" in many ways and for many purposes. I am so blessed and grateful for all that my body has done. I have carried two beautiful, healthy babies to full term and birthed them with little complication. I fought the battle of a lifetime, poisoning, cutting and deforming and burning/poisoning myself to eradicate the rogue cells that were trying to kill me. Finally, I fed and nourished my beautiful boy on demand for 15 full months. My body did all of that. Truly amazing.
My body unfortunately also carried a great deal of extra weight. And allowed those killer rogue cells to take hold leaving me deformed. I hold no stock in "being skinny" but as I've written about previously, my weight does affect me in my ability to do the things I desire in the world. Also, when combined with emotional damage of youth, I carry a negative self image, feeling undesirable and unattractive. This was a hard enough battle on its own. Adding a deformity from the loss of a breast was a weight I couldn't quite bear. When I had my mastectomy I never went through a grieving process regarding my breast. For many women it is a very emotional thing, even feeling that they've lost their womanhood. I truly never felt that. But my expander was uncomfortable and never looked even sort of like a breast, even when in a bra. I had hoped that the implant would be better, both in looks and comfort. It was better, but barely, and as you know, didn't last. I felt most comfortable with nothing in (ironically) but still never felt good about myself when I looked in the mirror. Going into this surgery, I had hoped only to feel ok in clothing and a bra. I had very low expectations even for that. I just didn't trust that I wouldn't be permanently externally marked from cancer for all to see.
Today, I put on "normal" clothes for the first time since surgery. I wore a regular bra (which I had basically given up on since my first pregnancy), a simple cotton shirt, and jeans. I couldn't have been more thrilled. Although I am still "big" as far as sizes go, I now have a flat stomach. And my bra was appropriately filled on both sides. You would never have been able to tell that I had undergone anything. Although after an hour in said clothing I could feel it in my still healing body, I had a new lightness in my heart.
For lack of a better description, I feel like myself again. The inside and the outside finally match. I look forward to continuing on my path of healing and strengthening my body, losing a little more weight and building my muscles so that I can show my children how to live a healthy life. Fruits and vegetables and reasonable portions to eat, hikes and biking and enjoying the amazing things our home has to offer. Hopefully this will also open up a few additional options for me to achieve some goals I have in mind- parts I can play in shows, new skills I'd like to learn, things like that.
I am just so amazingly grateful to have undergone this surgery. I never intended to do it so soon, and was quite terrified of what it was going to take. What was worse, I never felt confident that it was going to give me enough back to be "worth it". Today I can say that this was one of the better choices I have made in this process. I may have felt I was making it under duress somewhat, but it was unquestionably the best thing I could have done. My surgeon is amazing and I look forward to thanking him properly. He gave me back pieces of myself I hadn't even realized I had lost.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
Post Surgery Update
I had started writing this post earlier this week but never made it back to it, so I'm starting from scratch!
Surgery was about a week and a half ago now. The process didn't exactly start out as expected. We had been expecting surgery to go for about 4-6 hours (and in fact my surgeon had indicated he thought it would be in the 5 hour range for me). Well it ended up taking 7 hours. Then as I was slowly waking up in the recovery room, I hear my doctor talking about my blood flow numbers. Apparently there was an area in the tissue transplant that wasn't receiving adequate blood flow. So he turned me straight around and took me back in for another 2 hours. Yep, that would be 9 total hours of surgery. I was rough by the time I made it back to my room to be sure. Sore throat, sore body, and drugged. My mom, dad, sister, brother in law, niece and husband were waiting for me when I arrived at my room. I think I scared them a little. =) Nick knew I was in rough shape and could see I was worried about the night, so promised to return early the next morning. Gratefully I had a wonderful night nurse who really did make all the difference to me in that difficult first night. She was kind, funny, and on top of caring for me. She even made sure to get me a massage through the complimentary service for cancer patients for that next morning.
Aside from the fact that it is quite literally impossible to get a good nights sleep (or even a nice nap for that matter) in a hospital, my recovery went decently well. The first couple of days were rough since they wanted me to work towards getting up and moving and my body was just not there yet. But by day three I was working well towards their goals, and could have even been released half a day early if I'd wanted. But I knew I wasn't quite ready to manage myself at home and my family definitely wasn't ready to have me home unable to easily make it to the restroom on my own. One more night was perfect.
I arrived home on Saturday and was doing surprisingly well. After feeling like the bionic woman with an IV, central line (that's an IV in your neck), catheter, leg pumps, blood pressure cuff, oxygen/pulse monitor, blood flow monitor, Doppler monitor, and five drains, I miraculously went home with only two drains in my body. I could walk quite well and wasn't feeling too much pain.
So now, here I am one week post release and feeling good. I'm weaning myself off pain meds and trying to walk more. Unfortunately both of those things have left me a little more sore. But my energy and strength seem to be really good. Also, I'm really happy with my physical results from surgery so far. Of course I won't know the full results for awhile as the swelling goes down and my body adjusts and heals, but I feel good and like what I see so far. My doctor also seems happy with the results and several of the nurses told me how great he is (I heard perfectionist used several times). In my opinion, no one knows better than the nurses who work with (and after) the surgeons.
Onward and upward from here! I've been pleasantly surprised at how good I've felt so far. The trick will be to avoid overdoing it. I think I may be dealing with that a little bit right now. I am grateful I did what work I could in advance of surgery to strengthen my muscles as I am feeling the benefit of it now. I just have to keep my focus on eating well (and the sugar/carb cravings I've been having this week are definitely not helping!) and slowly advancing towards getting my body back into motion. I think it may also be time to look into the writing challenge I've been wanting to do. Something a little more productive than watching trashy tv and movies! lol
The best part of all is that I am starting to experience a little sensation of emotional closure on cancer. I didn't expect that to be the case for me, but as I "get my body back" I do feel that I am walking away from that process. And so begins 2014- the year of Karey. ;)
Surgery was about a week and a half ago now. The process didn't exactly start out as expected. We had been expecting surgery to go for about 4-6 hours (and in fact my surgeon had indicated he thought it would be in the 5 hour range for me). Well it ended up taking 7 hours. Then as I was slowly waking up in the recovery room, I hear my doctor talking about my blood flow numbers. Apparently there was an area in the tissue transplant that wasn't receiving adequate blood flow. So he turned me straight around and took me back in for another 2 hours. Yep, that would be 9 total hours of surgery. I was rough by the time I made it back to my room to be sure. Sore throat, sore body, and drugged. My mom, dad, sister, brother in law, niece and husband were waiting for me when I arrived at my room. I think I scared them a little. =) Nick knew I was in rough shape and could see I was worried about the night, so promised to return early the next morning. Gratefully I had a wonderful night nurse who really did make all the difference to me in that difficult first night. She was kind, funny, and on top of caring for me. She even made sure to get me a massage through the complimentary service for cancer patients for that next morning.
Aside from the fact that it is quite literally impossible to get a good nights sleep (or even a nice nap for that matter) in a hospital, my recovery went decently well. The first couple of days were rough since they wanted me to work towards getting up and moving and my body was just not there yet. But by day three I was working well towards their goals, and could have even been released half a day early if I'd wanted. But I knew I wasn't quite ready to manage myself at home and my family definitely wasn't ready to have me home unable to easily make it to the restroom on my own. One more night was perfect.
I arrived home on Saturday and was doing surprisingly well. After feeling like the bionic woman with an IV, central line (that's an IV in your neck), catheter, leg pumps, blood pressure cuff, oxygen/pulse monitor, blood flow monitor, Doppler monitor, and five drains, I miraculously went home with only two drains in my body. I could walk quite well and wasn't feeling too much pain.
So now, here I am one week post release and feeling good. I'm weaning myself off pain meds and trying to walk more. Unfortunately both of those things have left me a little more sore. But my energy and strength seem to be really good. Also, I'm really happy with my physical results from surgery so far. Of course I won't know the full results for awhile as the swelling goes down and my body adjusts and heals, but I feel good and like what I see so far. My doctor also seems happy with the results and several of the nurses told me how great he is (I heard perfectionist used several times). In my opinion, no one knows better than the nurses who work with (and after) the surgeons.
Onward and upward from here! I've been pleasantly surprised at how good I've felt so far. The trick will be to avoid overdoing it. I think I may be dealing with that a little bit right now. I am grateful I did what work I could in advance of surgery to strengthen my muscles as I am feeling the benefit of it now. I just have to keep my focus on eating well (and the sugar/carb cravings I've been having this week are definitely not helping!) and slowly advancing towards getting my body back into motion. I think it may also be time to look into the writing challenge I've been wanting to do. Something a little more productive than watching trashy tv and movies! lol
The best part of all is that I am starting to experience a little sensation of emotional closure on cancer. I didn't expect that to be the case for me, but as I "get my body back" I do feel that I am walking away from that process. And so begins 2014- the year of Karey. ;)
Monday, February 17, 2014
Surgery is here
Tomorrow morning, in approximately 9 hours, I will be drifting off to sleep for the biggest surgery I have ever had. The final major piece in my cancer journey. I'm feeling nervous about being away from my babies. And nervous about the results. I've felt so uncomfortable in my body for so long now, and have only just started to feel comfortable again since both the expander and implant were out. I hate the idea that I might not continue feeling comfortable in my own body. And yet, the results could set me further along the path to feeling not just comfortable, but proud. Here's hoping that is the result! Although I've spent the week feeling excited, I've been aware of a constant anxiety also plaguing me. They are very similar emotions of course. I only realized the anxiety was there once I noticed I was stress eating. =) Well with a few things left to do before tomorrow I'd better get to it, but I am asking for thoughts and prayers and good vibes and juju for a smooth surgery with outstanding results and rapid healing. Not too much to ask right? ;)
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Blessings
I am feeling very blessed today and wanted to share. This past weekend I met a new cousin. No, it isn't a new baby... My mom was not raised by her biological father, and never knew him. We always knew that. In 2012 my mom found an older half brother she knew existed from her biological father. He told her she had two more younger half sisters from their father. She met them later that year. It was instant family for them. They both have kids, and so my "new" cousins. I haven't had any opportunity to meet any of this family until this weekend. My cousin Amie is engaged to a Harlem globetrotter and joined him for a weekend here on the west coast. We got to see Nate do his thing on the court (quite a show- you should really check them out, it was so much fun), and most importantly spent two days visiting with Amie. Just as it was for my mom with her sisters, it was instant family. A reminder of how sweet life can be.
My poor kiddos got run down in the process of no naps and lots of activities so now we are dealing with the aftermath of a cold/flu. But we are all happy despite that. Trying to get well quickly since this weekend is another big one! My niece Mia turns 5 this weekend and is being surprised with a weekend celebration at Disneyland! (If you happen to see her, remember- its a surprise! Don't mention it!)
Just reminders of how blessed I truly am. Life may be challenging, and certainly not what I expected, but even in the dark you can see the stars if you're willing to look.
My poor kiddos got run down in the process of no naps and lots of activities so now we are dealing with the aftermath of a cold/flu. But we are all happy despite that. Trying to get well quickly since this weekend is another big one! My niece Mia turns 5 this weekend and is being surprised with a weekend celebration at Disneyland! (If you happen to see her, remember- its a surprise! Don't mention it!)
Just reminders of how blessed I truly am. Life may be challenging, and certainly not what I expected, but even in the dark you can see the stars if you're willing to look.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Happy New Year! 2014
Onward and upward is my motto for this year. Many changes on the horizon and a lot of work to get through them. I am hopeful that this time next year my life will look significantly different, and hopefully all for the better. First on the agenda, a month of health. I am working on a pre-operative diet and exercise regime to prepare my body for my reconstructive surgery. We are tentatively looking at a date in mid-February so I have a lot to do in a short amount of time. I need to strengthen my core muscles, and limit any inflammation present in my body. I also need to wean Gio. Immediately. The expectation is that we will be lifting my left side to better match my right at the same time. In order for that to happen, I cannot have any milk left in it. Tonight was the first attempt at giving him regular milk without me present for bedtime. I'm sure it will be fine. He goes down for others just fine though usually does get some pumped milk. The real challenge will be weaning him around me. He doesn't need milk around anyone else, but melts down if he's tired or otherwise needing comfort and isn't given milk with me.
And all that just gets us into February! Then it will be a long recover process. Five days in the hospital and a minimum of six weeks recovery at home. Sounds like full recovery will likely take more like three months. There apparently may be additional "clean up" outpatient surgeries down the road too. Fingers crossed that won't be the case.
After that? Who knows! I have a lot of hopes for this next year. I do know it involves dance class for Bella, more preschool, finding some activities for Gio, lots more outdoors and nature play for both kids. Trips to the zoo and the discovery museum, days at the parks and walks around the neighborhood.
I am setting the intention to find myself this year. I need more music and performance in my life. I need to find something regular and structured and productive to do with myself even just a day or two a week outside of raising my children. I need these things to present themselves to me in a way that I can easily see them and take advantage of the opportunities. I intend to heal some old hurts, even just a little, and find some more happiness in the small every day moments.
Most importantly I intend to see the world through my children's joyful eyes. They are magnificent and see the world as such. I am so lucky to have them and hope to remember that every day.
And all that just gets us into February! Then it will be a long recover process. Five days in the hospital and a minimum of six weeks recovery at home. Sounds like full recovery will likely take more like three months. There apparently may be additional "clean up" outpatient surgeries down the road too. Fingers crossed that won't be the case.
After that? Who knows! I have a lot of hopes for this next year. I do know it involves dance class for Bella, more preschool, finding some activities for Gio, lots more outdoors and nature play for both kids. Trips to the zoo and the discovery museum, days at the parks and walks around the neighborhood.
I am setting the intention to find myself this year. I need more music and performance in my life. I need to find something regular and structured and productive to do with myself even just a day or two a week outside of raising my children. I need these things to present themselves to me in a way that I can easily see them and take advantage of the opportunities. I intend to heal some old hurts, even just a little, and find some more happiness in the small every day moments.
Most importantly I intend to see the world through my children's joyful eyes. They are magnificent and see the world as such. I am so lucky to have them and hope to remember that every day.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Merry Christmas to All
Another year has come and gone. As we look towards 2014 I wish you and yours love, happiness, laughter and health in this, and every year to come.
From our Beautiful Mess to yours...
From our Beautiful Mess to yours...
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Transformation
I'm increasingly realizing that 2014 is going to be a year of major transformation for me - whether I like it or not! :) As I ponder what I want out of the coming months, I struggle with what I have control over (me, or really, my attitude about things) and what I don't (everything else). I'm looking to transform my body (diet, exercise and surgery), my mind, spirit, and heart. I have no idea what it will look like, but I am more certain than I have ever been that in one years time I will look back from an entirely new place in life. I feel like a phoenix, having just burst into flames, ending life as I know it. I'm almost all ashes but from those ashes feel the stirring that will be my rebirth. I have no need to make any new years resolutions this year because I have no choice but to make changes. As I pace myself through the next few days, and our big Christmas celebration, I try to enjoy life as I've known it, for soon, I will be on the other side, walking a new and unfamiliar path. The frightening thing from this point is that I don't even know what that path entails. There isn't some big choice I'm about to make, just many little ones. I just know this is a turning point for the ship of my life. Only a few degrees and I have an entirely new destination.
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