Tropical Storm Karey

The past few weeks have been a bit tumultuous for me.  I think as the mountain play was coming to an end and I started to get my brain back from that, which unfortunately left a little too much room for all of the other realities I just haven't really dealt with.

As you may recall, I was on anti-depressants during and after my radiation treatments.  I weaned myself off as soon as I found out I was pregnant since it is a class C drug (aka not tested enough, and what has been tested has shown negative consequences when used in the third trimester).  Mostly I felt good about it and didn't experience any negative consequences.  Now the reality of my emotional state has hit again.  I've realized that the truth is I probably should in fact still be on something, but the few things that are safe during pregnancy are not effective for me.  So I wait.  And deal.  Which is hard.

The causes aren't important, mostly since they are silly things or surface things that wouldn't normally send me into a tailspin.  Unfortunately the effect has been all of my insecurities, both old and new, have been brought to the surface.  The old stuff is just that, nothing new, old issues that I knew still existed in varying degrees.  I believe as people we all have our damages and hopefully we can be aware of them and hopefully deal with them as we grow.  These things are mine.  I've made some progress through the years, and still have a way to go.  The new things are the effects of becoming a mom, having cancer, and quitting my professional life.  Primarily, the ones that surprised me are from cancer.

The level of mortality that I experience now comes as little surprise.  I essentially have PTSD and haven't yet dealt with it.  I thought I had a little time since the pregnancy snapped me out of it, but apparently I need to get into counseling to deal with it before this baby arrives.  It is stronger than I thought.

What has surprised me in the last couple of weeks are the feelings of being damaged goods.  My surgery and subsequent deformity was never a real issue.  Sure, every so often I would try to dress up, or just be having a bad day and would be annoyed that I am so uneven.  But with the right bra and a little stuffing, I could hide it.  Plus, I'm not done yet.  I still haven't had reconstruction and believe that once that is done, things will look so much better.  So it is a temporary deformity in many ways.  The last couple of weeks have made me realize that simply isn't true.  Even if my breasts "look better" after reconstruction, they will no longer work "correctly".  My right side will never look the same.  And even if all of that proves untrue with some amazing plastic surgery, I still have this reality that I had cancer.  I could have it again.  It is now, and forever will be, a part of who I am.  This on top of the body issues I bring from my past makes me a little bit of a basket case.

The pregnancy sadly isn't helping.  For many women, pregnancy is hard.  Physically it is draining.  I am tired, I hurt, I get sick easily, and some days it is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning.  This coming after a year of cancer treatments that did the same thing, after several months of being a new mom and suffering from zero sleep and emotional drain, and that after my first pregnancy.  I feel like I am on my third year of being broken.  It gets old.

So the summary for me right now is that I am feeling mortal and terrified, damaged, and broken.  Nice combo right?  I'm working on it and have faith that it will be fine.  For now I am just taking it one day at a time.  Or sometimes one hour at a time.  Whatever it takes to get through the day.