About a month ago I was asked by my cancer center if I would be interested in participating in a filmed interview about my experience with cancer. They are working with a health media company to put together a resource for newly diagnosed patients (and friends and family) and thought that I might be a good person to use. Of course I was happy to help and went ahead and scheduled my interview.
Today was the actual event. I did my best to prep for the camera (in other words, I actually put on make-up, chose an appropriate top, and attempted to do my hair). Then I bustled Bella and I out the door. I arrived at my appointment time a little early (mostly because I had decided it was half an hour earlier than it was for some strange reason), and was guided into the back room. I hadn't spent much time thinking about what exactly I wanted to say, or how I wanted to portray my story. I trusted that as they asked me questions I would have the answers readily available, and the story would tell itself. What I wasn't sure about was how my emotions would treat me in the process.
They walked me through the basics of what they wanted to cover- what life was like before diagnosis, what the diagnosis was like, how treatment when, and how does life look now. After all that was done we would cover the clinic and my experience related to that. I had to try and incorporate the question into the answer (since the interviewer will be edited out) and leave out specifics (like names and actual drug names etc). All of that came relatively easy for me.
I can't tell you exactly what I said. I simply cannot remember. My anxiety was oddly high as I shared my story, surely because I knew I was on camera. Had it been someone writing a story, or some other type of interview, I suspect I wouldn't have been nervous at all. The worst of it (from what I can tell) was there was a fair amount of nervous laughter from my end. Hopefully it comes off more that I'm not "stuck" in the negativity of cancer, and not that I'm a crazy person. =)
I think my story was one of hope. To me, cancer has just been a stop on my journey. Not much different than pregnancy, or college, or supporting my grandmother through the last year of her life while she fought brain cancer. It wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do, often wasn't fun, but offered many gifts along the way as long as I was open to them. At least I hope that is what I portrayed.
Most interesting for me was how readily available the emotions of my diagnosis were. As I told the story of receiving the phone calls the day I was diagnosed, I could picture myself driving, exiting the freeway, calling my mom and Nick and knowing that the worst news was about to be delivered. I teared up a little as I told the story. No tears fell, but it was all right there, as if it had happened yesterday. Once we were beyond that part of the story, it was often funny, at least in retrospect, or simply what was. There wasn't a whole lot of emotional charge to the rest of the story. Even as I talked about hitting my low point after surgery. I still struggle with thoughts of mortality, and am prepared to go back on antidepressants once I have delivered and breastfed this baby. I'm doing well, but have recognized that it is a little harder than I think it should be. The weight on my chest is a little heavier than I would like it to be. But even as I talked about some of these things, it was still just another part of the story. The diagnosis was the moment that my life changed. Or not even the diagnosis really, but the moment I knew what they were going to say. The moment I answered the second call from my doctors office telling me I needed to come in that afternoon.
As the years go on I anticipate my perspective on this past year will change. Different moments may come into sharper focus, and many things will likely blur with time. I think though, that one moment may never change. It is so clear, so focused, so present in my mind and body. Not a moment I've spent much time thinking about, but it seems to be the moment of all of this.
Once I am able (assuming it will be available publicly) I will share the video. It will likely be a couple of months before I even see a rough cut, but I will post it once I can! Another day, eh?
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