Lonely or Alone

As I continue to settle into my new normal I am struggling with the realities of being alone, and at times, lonely.  Considering my mom only moved out at Thanksgiving, that was the beginning of me being actually alone.  I had a rough couple of weeks but then it was straight into the Christmas holidays which kept me busy.  Then after the new year I was busy with sick babies and prepping for my sister's baby shower.  Straight after I finished her shower, I went out of town for a girls trip to New Orleans.  So my true state of aloneness began after I returned from that trip.  Now I am feeling it deeply.  It is the little things.  For example, last night was trash night.  I completely forgot to take the trash out.  It is the first time I've forgotten so that is a win, but still, that means my trash won't be picked up until next week.  There is no one else here to remember that the trash needs to go out.  Or to do it if for some reason I'm not up for it.  If I cook, then I clean the kitchen.  I do all the laundry (and with two toddlers there is a LOT of laundry).  Although I certainly have a support system for the bigger stuff, it is the little every day minutiae that gets to me.  If I have a rough day with the kids, there is no one in my corner at the end of the night to decompress with.  No one to say "yeah, that's brutal, is there anything I can do to make tomorrow easier for you?" or even just give me a hug.  If the kids get sick in the middle of the night, I'm the only one there to deal with whatever the situation is.


All of this has left me feeling thoroughly lonely.  I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have ever chosen to live alone.  If I had taken a more traditional young adult path, I would have lived with family, friends or roommates at all times.  I believe in family and what it means.  I miss having family dinner.  Yes of course I can still do that with my kids, but lets be honest, the three of us spend all day together.  Family dinner doesn't serve the purpose I appreciated it for.  There is no one to check in with about their day. 


I've had a few rough moments dealing with the loneliness but overall am doing quite well.  It is bringing into focus what I want in my life though.  I knew I wanted a partner but now I understand it is more than that.  A partner to me means family.  I want a family life in my home.  I will have that again someday regardless of a partner coming in once my kids get a little older, but I would like it sooner than that.  I want to know that I have a teammate, and I want to be a teammate.  I look forward to that and value the family dynamic.  So for now I will learn to be lonely and alone and be okay with that.  It is okay that I am lonely and I simply don't like it.  It is okay that I am alone and don't want to be.  Life will go on and I will find my new normal.

DUFF

Tonight I went to see the Movie The DUFF.  It stars Mae Whitman (who I love from many things including Parenthood, and as the voice of Tinkerbell in all the Disney Fairies movies).  DUFF stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend.  The movie itself was pretty typical teenage angst movie.  Predictable, but cute.  I laughed out loud several times.  Anyhow, this is not meant to be a movie review.  As I watched the movie I kept thinking to myself how I was the DUFF in high school.  As they introduced the two (hot) best friends of the main characters, I knew exactly who each girl was in my own high school life.  Then, lying in bed tonight, I realized that I still believe I am the DUFF when I go out with my friends.  I don't know that any of my friends think of me that way, but I definitely have had direct (recent) experiences where a guy talked to me to get to a friend of mine.  Ironically all of my friends are married, so it does them no good.  Anyhow as I thought about this, I realized that is a pretty terrible self perception.  Who am I to consider myself the ugly fat friend?  And what is worse, I know that when I am feeling that way, it is exactly who I become.  But I can think of many different subgroups of my friends where I am consistently the DUFF.  So how do I overcome this?  How do I stop being the DUFF and start being the person that others want to be around?  Guys want to date?  Girls want to befriend?  I actually think some of the advice given in the movie was good.  Laugh more.  Have fun.  Be yourself.  Dress to show who you are.  And make sure your clothes fit you well.


Anyhow, I'm sure that many of my friends would have at some point considered themselves the DUFF, so maybe it is all a matter of how we view ourselves.  Still, I'm fascinated that I carry this title with me into adulthood.  I think it is time to drop it.  I am just an F.  A good old fashioned F. lol =)

Onward and Upward

Well here we are.  I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to finally write this post, but I wasn't fully ready until now.


After several years of struggle, my marriage has ended.  I am not going to detail what happened here as I feel that it isn't appropriate blog fodder.  That is why I essentially stopped writing over the last two years.  I blamed it on being busy and having a baby and any other number of things, but the truth is simply that the biggest issue in my life was my marriage and I didn't feel like I could talk about it.  Suffice it to say that I fought hard for my marriage.  I have learned an incredible amount about what marriage takes and I look forward to finding my happily ever after someday where I can apply what I've learned.


This isn't new, so no notes of condolence are needed.  I just needed to take my time to let the dust settle a bit before I shared.  Hopefully now I can find my way to posting again with the candid honesty I've enjoyed in the past.  And also, my mom moved up to Oregon after Thanksgiving, so I am truly on my own with the kids.


With that said, I am working very hard to move on.  I am working on reclaiming my home.  Figuring out what a house that is all mine looks and feels like.  I have begun dating a bit- something I've never done as an adult.  At this point it is fun and entertaining.  I am admittedly lonely and finding managing a household with two children and two dogs, alone, to be a HUGE challenge.  But I have faith in my own strength to persevere and find my way.  And I'm guessing about the time I get a handle on how to do it alone, I will find a new partner to share my life with.


So truly, onward and upward.  I own my warrior status and carry my strength into life.  I'm hoping to lose that mantle soon though.  I'm ready to set my sword down and be done fighting.  I seek balance and peace and love.  And I trust fully that I will find it.


In the words of Maya Angelou,


Still I rise....

Still Alive

I know it has been months since I last posted.  I plan to change this soon.  In fact, I promise to update you soon on what has been keeping me busy.  This life is a beautiful mess indeed.  The good news is that I am finding my way back to me each and every day.  I'm in the process of rediscovering who I am, and who I want to be.  I am excited to be looking into going back to work part time.  My kids deserve to see a mom who works professionally as well as is present in their lives.  It is a crazy big undertaking but I have faith in myself.  And speaking of, if you happen to know of any part time positions out there, please keep me in mind!  I am beginning the process of reaching out.  We are getting ready for the idea that Bella will start kindergarten in the fall (though we still don't know where) and Gio will be ready for preschool.  Onward and upward into this beautiful, crazy, messy life.

The Invitation

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

I used to have this posted on the door to my bedroom.  Now I want to wear it around my neck. post it on my front door, and ask these very questions of everyone I meet.  These are in fact the things that matter.  And the things that I have been facing through the last several years.  I have learned that I can get up and care for the children after having spent a night suffering in grief.  I do like the company I keep in the empty moments.  I am fully willing to look like a fool for love.  Although I continue to face these challenges, and relearn what I already know and work on the ones I don't, I trust that eventually the lessons will take me to enlightenment and self-contentment.  I may not be religious but I am feeling the phrase "let go and let god" bone deep today.  I hope this brings you some warmth as it does for me.

Reclaiming myself

Hi there!

I know its been awhile. 2014 has been a challenging year to say the least. As I've mentioned I am working extremely hard to reclaim myself. This is an insanely large undertaking including everything from my mental and emotional state of being, my physical health, my home and my activities.

This week brought about a new aspect of this process. I've been considering returning to work part time for awhile now, but haven't pulled the trigger to make it happen. Although I am still not going back to work yet, I came a little closer this week.

In my research for kindergartens for Bella (for next year) I came across a position at a wonderful local private school that has preschool and k-8. One of their listed benefits was tuition and childcare. The position was 30 hours a week, and my kids could have attended the school! Well as it turned out it was only a 20% coverage of tuition, so I would have been working to pay for tuition and childcare.

But I was asked for an interview immediately and it went really well. The recruiter was highly complimentary and it felt good to clear some of the cobwebs out of my professional self. It inspired me to work a little harder to find an ideal situation for me so that I can be mommy, and professional.

Working on me

I stated earlier this year that I was working on myself this year.  I started the year working on my body in preparation for surgery and then having my reconstruction.  I've been starting to write a little, something I've wanted to do for myself for years now.  I'm looking at projects around my house that I want to accomplish.  I'm continuing to pursue my health both by working on my diet and adding exercise into my life with regularity.  I am building my social life again as I remember who I am beyond mommy.  I am looking into returning to work part time after Gio turns two this fall.  It is all a major undertaking.  But today I thought I would share some of the smaller ways I am working on growing into myself more fully.


I never got into the practice of making my bed every day.  Now, I am trying to make sure that I do.  It is such a small task.  It takes less than five minutes.  I'm not sure why it wasn't something I ever learned to do, but it wasn't.  I didn't particularly care.  But, what I have realized is that it keeps my bedding nicer, the sheets tight to the mattress and clean from whatever the dogs or kids track it.  It also makes the whole room feel nicer.  When I walk in throughout the day, even if there are other things making the room messy, by having my (giant king sized) bed made, it makes the whole room feel more orderly.  I even bought a new comforter with matching throw pillows.  It feels so- grown up.


I am working to stay on top of the house cleaning.  By doing the laundry at least every other day, there is never a giant pile to get through.  By putting dishes in the dishwasher every time I pass through the kitchen, and running it daily, the kitchen never feels out of control.  By encouraging the kids to help clean up their toys between every activity, the level of chaos in the house stays minimal.


My next plan for that is to create an actual schedule.  I've come across schedules like these periodically, and was actually inspired when I read "The Help".  It never occurred to me to have a cleaning schedule.  I always took things as they came, which usually meant a major cleaning before every event hosted at my house, or when things got really out of control.  Not a great way to support sanity.  So I am looking into what schedule will work for me.  Things that are daily, weekly, monthly, and how to do them in small doses so as to never feel overwhelmed.


I'm aiming to begin meal planning properly.  Maybe even to the point that every Monday is chicken day, Tuesday ground beef, Wednesday fish, etc etc etc... I'm not sure I could stand the limits of "Monday is burrito day, Tuesday is Hamburger day, Wednesday is chicken breast day" but setting the proteins and planning from there seems doable.  It should limit my grocery shopping (saving food, time and money) and hopefully the effort expended "figuring out" what we should eat three meals a day every day.  And I should also eat out less, saving calories and money.  An all around win.


It is a lot that I am taking on right now, but what I realized is that with the chaos that has been my life from baby to cancer to baby, I let go of the adult management of my life and never got it back.  It is time.  I want joy and simplicity.  This is how I am hoping to gain that.


How do you keep your life simplified or controlled?