I'm going to blame hormones, well, because I can. But it seems that my emotional state is getting worse not better. I'm doing the right things, going to counseling, talking to the people around me, seeking support, but I'm finding that I'm in a constant state of low-level anxiety with limited coping skills as a result. I'm trying, and hopefully once this whole non-stress test insurance situation has fully shaken out (nearly there!) it will improve, but some of it I am just trying to take in stride.
Okay, so what is going on? Well the first realization that I had is that I'm feeling very much as though this is the beginning of the cancer saga. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that I am going to get cancer again, but my emotional and medical journey began at the end of my pregnancy with Bella. I have an emotional through line from the end of my pregnancy, into delivery, through breastfeeding, and straight into cancer. It isn't rational exactly, but understandable. After explaining that to Nick, he agreed and said that he actually felt the same way. So we both feel a little bit like we are holding our breath to be sure it isn't going to happen again. I at least enjoyed a little validation in Nick feeling the same way, and that it wasn't just me being crazy. =)
On top of that, I've been dealing with this nonsense with testing and my insurance blahdy blah blah blah. I've found an OB's office in the next town north (different county, but same drive as the hospital I'm currently being referred to), that does non-stress tests in their office. This means I will have no co-pay, or a standard office visit ($20). I can handle that. =) They have said I can go there, it is in network for my insurance, and doesn't require anything additional on my part (from what I can tell). Sadly, after a horrible phone call from one of the doctors in my OB's office that I have yet to deal with, I received another phone call from them after I called with this news. Their only response to me was that if the doctor saw anything wrong that they would send me to a different hospital to have my baby (the one closer to them), and if I was okay with that then I could go there. I do understand that if there was an emergency situation I would need to go to the nearest hospital and in theory that means my OBs office would not be able to be there for delivery. However, most likely anything they see on a NST would not be "emergency" and I would have time to drive down to my hospital. The only reason I mention this is that it feels like my OBs office is not in my corner. I do not feel supported by them at all because I'm not just doing what they tell me to do in full compliance without questioning. It worries me about how my delivery will go. I'm going to have to deal with this face to face in my OBs office I think to make sure we are all still on the same page.
Finally I had a growth ultrasound today and it left me a little freaked out. Baby boy is measuring quite large, which isn't in itself surprising, though he jumped percentiles and that scares me a little. According to today's measurements he is trending towards 10 pounds at full term. Yikes. I know how hard it was to push out 8.5 pounds, so another pound and a half is quite intimidating. What left me more anxious however, is that the ratio of his head to his abdomen is trending the wrong way. It is still fine, but closer than it was at the last ultrasound and close in general. The radiology doctor said my OB might want me to go back for another scan. I hope she does. Essentially if the abdomen is larger than the head, you run the risk of shoulder dystocia or the baby getting stuck after the head is out. Not good for mommy or baby. Just don't want to even come close to that being an issue because I just don't trust that the doctors won't push for c-section.
And all of this is tied up in to crazy low lying stuff about guilt around my gestational diabetes, and not being able to do much anymore because I am tired and mentally/emotionally at capacity. I seriously don't know how people have had babies over and over throughout history. I admit, I feel a little bit like a failure because this is so dang hard.
Life is not all bad. We had an AMAZING time at my sprinkle this past weekend. I want to do it justice with its own post when I'm not grumpy and upset over unrelated things. I am so blessed to have such an amazing community of women in my life. I was not only sprinkled but spoiled this weekend. And little man has already got a wardrobe that rivals his sisters. =) So I will leave you on that note of positivity with a whole post to come on it. Five and a half weeks or less and little man will be here. Count down!
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