The ties that bind... Or not...

Have you ever been kicked out of a family?  Not disowned but just no longer included?  I am experiencing that now.


It is a really confusing experience.  On the one hand, I have individual relationships with all of these people who I have loved for the last 16 plus years.  I know that they love me and I love them.  I am even still treated like family on an individual level- dinners together, some event invitations, and kind words spoken when together.  But then there is the family at large experience.  Because of the nature of the split between my ex and I, we can only attend events simultaneously if he does not bring his girlfriend (aka the woman he cheated on me with for nearly three years).  As a result, what is happening, is I am no longer invited.  He gets the initial invitation.  We find out his plans- if he plans to attend, and if so is he bringing her.  Once that is sorted out, I may get an invite.


This weekend his family planned a major reunion.  It doesn't matter that I was a part of this family for 16 years.  It doesn't matter that my children are actual members of this bloodline.  I was not invited.  I was catching up with his mom (as we have a great relationship) and she mentioned she would love it if the kids could be there.  I have them for the weekend, so did I mind bringing them.  I told her I would be happy to provided that he wasn't bringing her.  (Though frankly part of me is ready to say eff it and say it is my weekend with the kids and if they want them there I will bring them.  See how she handles being in my face with people who love me and disrespect her...)  I said I was going to see him and would ask him if he planned to attend.  He said he was.  Safe to assume he was taking her.  He is.


So now my ex mother in law has requested he bring our children.  I get that and support them being with their (no longer our) family.  And now I want to cry.  Because I have officially been cut out of the family.  Blood is thicker than water.  He is theirs and always will be.  I am not.


It hurts.

Trying to trust, but really FREAKING OUT

So life is pretty overwhelming for me right now.  I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of the end of my marriage.  He is with the woman he had an affair with and I am reminded every single day.  My kids talk about her and her daughter.  Old friends are spending time with them.  I have to remember that he isn't only thinking about himself and me and our kids, because he has a new partner that is in his ear about life decisions.  If I make a "bad" move or choice, it just adds fuel to the fire for why I shouldn't be taken care of.  I am on the edge of breaking every single day.  But somehow I find the strength to carry on, hold my head up, and start over each morning.  I'm not wishing to win him back, but I miss what I thought I had every day.  I have a moment of sadness for future lost every day.


Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house.  The house that was supposed to be our family home.  The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in.  To hold our family holidays in.  The house that was our home.  The house he left me in.  Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal.  I see things I would do differently.  I envision a backyard to play in.  Lights strung up across the pool.  Family photos on the walls.  But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale.  I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily.  Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row.  Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout.  Really?  Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything.  And we put quite a bit of work in too.  It isn't in "need" of anything.  It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque.  And there is more than enough room for anyone.  They just don't have the imagination for it.  I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously.  So frustrating.  And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same.  But there is nothing I can do about that now.  I just have to wait.  And trust.


And then there is kindergarten.  Had another reminder today.  Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence.  That we are selling.  And moving out of.  The school I don't really want her to go to.  But I'm not in contract anywhere else.  And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house.  And school starts in less than two weeks.  So what do I do??????????  Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in?  Register her based on that?  Move her later?  Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????


Then there is this business that I am starting.  And NEED to start because we really need the income.  I am so worried that I don't have what it takes.  It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate.  What if I screw it up?  I really need this to work.  I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet.  I want it to work out.  I want it to be amazing.  But I am so scared...


I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with.  And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay.  And that I am loved and loveable.  And worth fighting for.  And not easy to leave.  I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve.  But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it.  And my insides still hurt so badly.  I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it.  Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.

Betrayal or something like it

I've talked about friendship recently, acknowledging that as with all major life transitions, divorce brings about a change in those relationships in your life. I have been immensely grateful for the people who have held me up throughout this process. I have some amazing friends. Truly.

With that said, as I've mentioned before, I have also lost some people. Up until this point I believed it was mostly circumstantial and less an actual choice. I wouldn't expect his best friend to choose me for example. However, tonight, I realized that for some, it was very much an active choice. They not only chose to keep him in their lives, but they chose to discard me.

For the most part I had been feeling ok at the lost friendships. Chalked them up to a time and place for all things. We served important places in each others lives and that need was apparently no longer there. But now that I'm seeing the choices being made, I'm feeling pretty betrayed. It leaves me asking (what I'm clear is the wrong question)- "what is wrong with me that someone would choose a liar and cheater over me?"... Yes I know, that is illogical logic. But it is emotional and the simple truth is that I'm hurt. I want to be chosen of course. Divorce is hard enough. Add on the lies and the cheating, its terrible. Add on the post divorce brutality of having to hear my children talk about his affair partner on a constant loop, and it is barely survivable. To then have friends  not choose me? I'm feeling a little broken.

As far as I'm concerned it speaks more to their characters that they would choose him knowing the story. So knowing that, frankly, they can all have one another. Still, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

So what is the lesson I need to learn from not being chosen over and over again in my life? Choose myself? Great, I am! I have never fought so hard for my own life before ever. I am finding myself and building my life. I am choosing me again and again. When does the lesson end? When do I finally get to stop screaming inside "pick me! Pick me!"? Even my kids are starting to push that button. It is exhausting. And heartbreaking. But I will survive. And someday I know I will look back and understand why it was all worth it.

Ego Bashing

Between divorce and dating my ego has taken a thorough bashing over the last couple of weeks.  I'm not sure what it is about me but for some reason online dating seems to only bring me men that want to sleep with me.  Not even take me on a date first, just sleep with me.  Although at first that wasn't an issue because I needed that sexual confidence again; to believe that I was desirable and had something interesting to offer.  Now though I just want more.  Not the next love of my life, but someone who wants to hang out with me.  Go to dinner or a show, or anything really.  The intimacy is a natural part of it, but apparently the other is hard to find.  I frankly don't understand it.  I'm not looking for love and marriage here- what's wrong with a little food or drink together?


Meanwhile I've had to spend all this time with the ex this week as we prepare the house for sale.  I was reminded what a great team we make.  How many memories we share.  We even had some really good conversations about things moving forward that needed to happen.  At one point we were talking about painting and what a pain it is.  He was making fun of himself (he is really not good at painting) and commented on how he did a bad job the first time he painted the family room and that's when he was trying to do a good job to impress me.  I laughed and said "you never tried to impress me"... He said he did.  That all his "little projects" around the house, there was always a piece that was trying to impress me.  When he said this it broke my heart.  Further proof of how terrible our communication and understanding of one another was.  I truly never felt that anything he did was about me.  I didn't feel like he was trying to impress me in any way.  He did what suited him and possibly factored me in, but that was the extent.  Don't get me wrong, occasionally there were things he did for me of course, but I definitely never felt as though he was trying to impress me.  If only he knew how much I loved him then.  The people we have become today definitely do not belong together.  But that love, in the past, was real and powerful... And then he called his girlfriend.  Yeah.  That hurt.


And this is where my stupid ego comes into play again.  I don't want a relationship and all it entails.  Not right now.  But I want someone calling me, wanting to see me and spend time with me.  And I don't have that.  Not like that.  I am blessed to have amazing friends and family that fill that hole currently, but it is different.  Having that one person who just wants to make you smile, and you feel the same.  That's special.


So I go back to the dating world.  The "friends" I have are all wrapped up in their own lives right now.  No one is seeking me out.  The only guys reaching out to me want sex and nothing more.  And the one guy I was connected to that I actually felt some chemistry with, ended up reacting to me almost identically to my ex, which sent me into those old habits and behaviors.  Suffice it to say, I will not be seeing him again.  Not that he was really trying to see me any way.  And that's what sucks.  New guys come around.  They are interested for a minute, and then disappear.  Some pursue me with great vigor and even make a date, and then just stop replying.  Others never make it to actually asking me out but suddenly a switch is flipped and they turn into horny sex monsters.  Who send inappropriate pictures of themselves.  Or they're in prison.  Or married.  Or out of the country... Yeah so my ego is a little messed up right now. 


Of course this isn't where my energy or attention needs to be.  It needs to be on preparing my house for sale, and moving, and starting my business.  But everyone needs a little pick me up, a little distraction from time to time.  Something to spur me on through what is easily the hardest thing I've done maybe ever.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to walk away from the life that I had.  I realize it was broken, but I would have fixed it.  It didn't belong in the trash.  But that is where I am finding myself.  Alone.  In a house far too big for me.  With kids that don't even seem to like me most days (why would they when dad's house is so much more fun)...  This too shall pass, right???

Busy busy bee!

I haven't forgotten my resolve to continue to write more often.  I have just been so incredibly busy preparing our house for sale.  Packing, cleaning, painting... It is a major undertaking!  And more than a little emotional for me.  On top of all of that I have some really exciting things in the works that I will share more about once they become a bit more real. 


One thing I am doing is supporting my dear friend Bianca's awesome creation Real Mommy Confessions.  She created an original webseries about the confessions that real moms have during every day life.  The first season is done (see it here!) and they are working on season two.  While Bianca was here visiting this past month, I noticed she was struggling to carry the weight of this massive undertaking and I offered to help her with her instagram account.  From there we have begun working on a better social media game plan.  She has already rocked it with Facebook and Twitter, but we can do more!  So follow Real Mommy Confessions on all of those platforms if you are on them!  Our promise is to try and find the comedy in the chaos and offer a laugh or two while still be honest about what it takes to be a mom.


I am also beginning to write more for public consumption.  I have built a new blog called Karey Too that will focus less on the specifics of my life, and more my ideas, views, philosophies, or funny stories.  I haven't written much, really only one thing so far, but check it out! =)  I'll still write here about my kids and my personal life, but it may be less frequent.

Cancer Update

I just realized that I never posted the update regarding my biopsy!  I don't have cancer!  lol  Hopefully you assumed that since I wasn't writing at all.  I did have to have a biopsy.  I went in, brought my dad with me for moral support, and of course they were ridiculously behind so we waited... and waited.... and waited...  Once they brought me in they informed me that they were going to try to simply aspirate the "mass" because they believed it was fat.  This is the difference between a pretty solid mass and a not so solid mass from what I can tell.  They can aspirate something that is not so solid, but if it is solid they need to do a core needle biopsy and leave a tracker so they know where they were.  Well in my case they were able to aspirate the whole thing!  The doctor looked at the "mass" in the tube, looked at me and said "it's fat.  I still have to send it in, but it's fat"... I got the call and yes indeed, it was totally and completely benign.  They barely even had to put a bandaid on the spot they poked.


So although life continues to be completely and totally insane for me, it is not my health that is an issue.  Hooray!  And I even get to wait a full year before my next MRI.  Good news all around.

Summertime and the living is... busy!

Gershwin was clearly writing about a different time and place when he wrote his beautiful song "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess.  The living around here is far from easy; we are busier than ever!  We have been going non-stop since we entered summer proper.  Pool and birthday parties, fun with friends, and working to ready our house for sale.  I think I mentioned that it is official, I have to sell the house.  It is bittersweet.  I look around and feel so good about this home.  It is a really good one with great neighbors.  But there are a whole lot of memories here that I'd prefer to forget, energy that I simply can't escape, and let's face it, this is WAY too much house for just me and the kids as we stand today.  I'm actually excited to downsize and start from scratch.  Create a home that is just mine and the kids from the start.  No dirt left in the cracks from days gone by that hurt my heart.


With that said, there is SO incredibly much work to be done to ready this house for sale.  Mostly cleaning and packing to declutter and show off the wonderful space that is here.  Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it in.  On top of that, I am investigating an interesting business possibility.  Something I could do from the comfort of my own home, possibly even make enough to support myself in the not too distant future.  It will require some focused time from me so I know I can't start it until after we have moved and possibly the kids are in school. But I can have everything in place ready to move forward when I'm ready.  So think good thoughts for me!  A quick sale on my house for a great price, and success on my business.


Other than all that I'm trying to give my kids a wonderful last summer in this home, with lots of pool time, facepainting, arts and crafts, and play dates galore. Time to heal from this horrible experience.