The Mommyhood

There is a movement, particularly in the social media world, to end what has been dubbed the "mommy wars".  (If you haven't seen the Similac commercial, watch it here, now!)  It was historically quite normal to see divides among mothers for their parenting choices.  Those who breastfed looked down on those who bottle fed.  Those who worked looked down on stay at home moms as women, and those who stayed home looked down on working moms as mothers.  Any choice was one that was open to judgment.  I fully admit, I've had those moments.  Nothing like breastfeeding or staying home, but being out in public and seeing a mom ignore her child who is bullying other kids, or hearing stories about babies being given chocolate milk in a bottle.  It's true, I judge.  However where I stand today, I am taking a stand with the other mommies out there and joining the mommyhood, the mommitment, the mommunity.  I choose kindness and support over judgment.  Aside from the fact that this is quite literally the hardest job I have ever had in my life and can use all the support I can get, where I stand today, after the five hardest years of my life, I understand what it means when you say it takes a village to raise a child.


When I had my daughter, my new mommy group was my lifeline.  It was the one place I knew I would get to every single week no matter what because it held me up.  I became friends with the women in that group through no known commonality other than having babies the same age.  It was here that I was also given the best advice I ever received, and the only advice I will ever offer to new moms.  There are a million books out there written on babies.  No one has written a book on YOUR baby.  Some of the advice may help, some may not.  Take what works and leave the rest.  YOU know YOUR baby better than anyone else.  These women were my first experience in the mommyhood.


When my daughter was only 7 months old, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Again, it was so often other moms in my life who stepped up.  Between family members and friends, I had meals, child care, gifts, cards, flowers, and support.  I needed this support for nearly a full year.  I thought every day that I didn't understand how people could live without an abundant community like mine.


Then I had my son.  Between my pregnancy and the first year of his life, it was one of the darker times in my life.  In retrospect it was because I had disconnected from my mommyhood.  Many of us had two children and couldn't quite manage to get together like we had in the past.  We were clinging to lifelines but barely surviving.


Shortly after my son turned one, my marriage hit the rocks hard.  As I fought for my marriage, I turned to my mommyhood again.  I needed the women in my life to lift me up.  To remind me it would be okay.  When my marriage ended, if I hadn't had the many women in my life to support me, I'm certain I would have crumbled.  Instead I found I had a collection of "sister wives" who I could call on when I was faltering.


I consider myself immensely lucky to have such a phenomenal group of women, particularly other mothers, in my life.  Now, when I discover another mom is struggling, I try to show up in whatever way I can.  So my "mommitment" is to offer support instead of judgment.  Kindness instead of critique.  We don't have to be friends.  We don't have to hang out or even agree with each others choices.  But we do have to respect one another for doing what we believe is the best for our children.  If I know something that I think might help, I will offer the information.  If you don't choose to take it, it must mean you don't believe it is best for your family, and that is exactly perfect.


So I hope all you mommies out there will join the "mommitment" with me and end the mommy wars.  This job is hard enough, don't you think?

Messy Ego Pain

So one of the interesting parts of divorce is generally speaking, one person was more "out" than the other, leaving one in more pain (usually).  In our case, without going into details, I was the person still fighting for our marriage, hoping it would work out.  I have since come to realize how toxic it truly had become (not to say that we couldn't have overcome that) but still, I feel "left" by him.  So now, as we move on with our lives, there is a part of me that wants to "move on" before he does.  I need to prove how loveable I am, so that some part of him knows he was wrong.  The more intelligent, less egocentric part of me knows how silly that is and that even if I was married tomorrow to the man of my dreams, superior in all ways, a modern prince charming, that it simply doesn't work that way.


This past weekend something came up that really sent my ego into a tailspin.  Nick posted something on social media that, to me, was showing publicly (somewhat) how he has already moved on.  Not everyone would be able to interpret it the way I did, but if you are familiar with the details of our situation, it would be hard not to.  Meanwhile, dating has been... challenging for me.  And that particular day, the most interesting new person I had heard from, turned out to be... wait for it... a prisoner.  Yep.  I attract creeps (that's another story for another day) and prisoners.  Okay, that isn't totally fair.  I have met a couple of really good guys, that for one reason or another it hasn't become more than a date or two, or friendship, but for the most part, yeah... A prisoner....


It took me a full two days before my heart wasn't split in two with my ego screaming out for justice.  I'm still extra sensitive, but it is much better than it was.


After everything I have been through in the last 4 or so years, it is hard to not feel like I "deserve" better.  I "deserve" my happy ending.  Not that it ever works that way for anyone.  But it is definitely that much harder to stay strong in the face of what my life is today, when I am reminded that it doesn't matter how good a person I am, or how bad a person someone else might be, we get what we get. 


After a great deal of processing, I have come to one conclusion.  I need something for me.  I'm working on finding a job (something really awesome could be in the works, fingers crossed for me!) but I think it is time I returned to my art.  There are two shows being put up this year and I am thinking it is time to audition again.  We will have to sort out the kids, especially if I am working, but I think it is time to remind myself and the world that I am awesome.  I am strong.  I am talented.  I am beautiful.  I am a force to be reckoned with.

S.O.S.

I was reminded just the other day of an agreement I made with a friend of mine.  We were talking about how hard it can be to reach out for support when that is exactly what we need, and may even want.  But if you don't know what kind of support you need. or possibly even what is wrong, knowing who to reach out to, or how to reach out to them is at times, impossible.  So we made an agreement that if one of us was ever in a space like that, all we had to do was send a text message.


S.O.S.


Hard to get more simple than that right?  Well, neither of us have ever used it.  But it is a good idea and one that I'm hoping to implement more fully in my life.  Now that I am on my own, I frequently feel like I am drowning.  Today is a perfect example of that.  I took some benedryl last night- early- thinking that if I got a really solid night of sleep that I would wake up today energized and ready to take on the world.  Instead, I made my daughter late to preschool because I was so completely exhausted I simply couldn't get out of bed.  That is only the beginning.  Then, my daughter melted down when I tried to leave her at preschool.  She was hyper emotional.  The truth is, our lives have been a little crazy.  First her dad was out of town for a week.  Then we had "normal" for a week.  Then I went out of town for a week.  Then we had "normal" for half a week.  Now her dad is out of town again, this time for 12 days.  So we are talking about an entire month of "not normal"... No wonder the poor girl is struggling with some high emotions.  When I finally left, my son melted down.  He desperately wants to stay and play at school like the big kids.  He and I did okay during the rest of our morning, a little grocery shopping and some cartoons kept us together.  Then the afternoon was just one high emotion to the next between the two kids, and frankly, me.  We are all tired.  We are all worn out.  None of us are doing great.  There is nothing actually wrong.  We have all gotten enough sleep.  We have all eaten well.  We could all probably stand to move our bodies more, but we are healthy.  Still, we are simply out of sorts.


Take all of that, and add on a messy house.  I've been drowning.  And my good days don't bring me up high enough to start at zero again.  Today, my "wins" were: getting milk at the store before we ran out, sweeping the dining room, making a really delicious and healthy dinner, getting the kids to bed on time, and getting the trash cans out to the curb.  I'm not dissing any of those things.  Those are solid wins.  But as I look around at my house, the laundry piling up, my bedding needing to be changed, every floor needing a really good vacuum/sweep/mop, the front yard needing tending, plants needing watering... The list continues... It is hard to not feel like I should just let go and accept that I am going to drown.  That getting my head out of water isn't going to happen.


And so back to my original premise.  I offer you the S.O.S.  I am really good at showing up for other people when I can't show up for myself.  If my sister or a friend called me falling apart the way I feel inside right now, I would go to their house, cleaning tools in hand, or dinner at the ready, and get to work.  Finding my way to do that for myself seems so much more epically challenging.  I know that I have people like that in my life too.  So although I am not at the moment invoking the S.O.S. I am setting forth that from here on out, it is available.  Anytime, simply text, email, call, or post those three little letters, and I will step up to help you save our selves.  I promise, I will use it too. =)

Friendship

As I take a break from my VERY dusty cleaning project, I have a view of my collection of framed photos in my living room. It is full of the shining faces of my closest friends (among others). I've written a bit here before about my challenges with friendship in the past. It was an area that I just consistently struggled with in my life. I was never really sure why. For many years I took the old and tired excuse that I "just wasn't like other women"... I didn't understand many of the issues that came up. I frequently caused offense where none was intended and was frequently let down myself.

Today, as I sit here looking at these pictures, my heart is full. I have many friends now that I know I can call at any time and they will be there for me. And I for them. These are genuine friendships where I feel like I can bring my whole self to the table and be loved for exactly who I am. I can fall apart, or be strong, and I will still be seen as me. Just the knowledge that I have these people in my life gives me strength to journey forward in my life, no matter what new challenge I am presented with. Some of these people I talk to nearly daily, others every couple of months or more. And yet, the love is there.

So although I crave the love and company of a partner, I think this year may be the year of friendship for me. And that's pretty amazing. Last year I worked on myself in a silo. This year I continue the journey of self transformation in the comfort of my amazing friends. Who knows where I can go from here, but I have great faith that it will be beautiful, and totally worth it.

Falling apart to hold it together

I fell apart tonight. The why is irrelevant for now. But now that my breathing and heart rate are back to normal and I prepare to close my eyes and get some sleep, I am realizing that I needed to fall apart. I've been holding it together for myself, my kids, my friends, my family for a while now. Holding on so tightly as I try to keep the pieces of my life in place. Sometimes, when you're holding on to something heavy, you need to put it down so that you can pick it back up. Release your grip. Adjust your hold. So tonight, I think I needed to fall apart. I let it go, just for a minute (thanks mom) and now I can pick up my load again with a refreshed strength.

Hamster Wheel of Life

Do you ever feel like you won't ever get any better at life?  Of course life is constantly changing, so some times things are harder and other times things get easier.  But there are those pieces that are challenging in varying degrees no matter what phase of life you are in.  Today I had this feeling like I just wasn't ever going to get any better at it.  I will always resist cleaning my house.  I will always be more tired than I want to be.  I will always struggle with feeling alone.  etc etc etc....


I don't choose to believe those statements.  I choose to believe that I'm working on me, and all of those things, and so eventually it will get better.  Won't it?  That's the line they're selling teenagers these days- It Gets Better- right?  But does it?  It changes.  It looks different.  But does it really get better?  Clearly I'm feeling a tad pessimistic tonight.  I've been "on my own" with my kids this week because their dad is out of town.  Plus my mom drove back to Oregon today.  I am definitely feeling the loneliness and alone-ness of my house tonight.  I'm also CRAZY tired.  This has been an ongoing issue for a couple of months now to the point that I've actually made an appointment with my doctor's office to address the level of fatigue I'm struggling with.  My dating life is also in a valley.  In part because it seems to do that (peak and valley with interest) and in part because I am already tired of "just dating" and wanting something more real.  It was fun for a minute but I want to have someone I talk to at the end of each day.  Who wants to spend their free time with me whenever we can.  I want to feel cherished.


And on top of all of that I ran our family financials today.  We've had some unexpected changes in our monthly expenses which has us running very much in the red.  So now I feel panicked about going back to work to contribute something.  And my brain is running a thousand miles an hour to try to figure out other ways to improve the situation.  I know what little things I can do, of course, but I'm talking bigger scale.  We will see.  I do actually trust it will all work out, it just feels heavy on my shoulders right now.  


So I'm feeling a little bit caught in the hamster wheel of life today.  As though no matter how hard I run, I make no progress.  Time to jump off, somehow, someway.

How to move on

I'm trying to move on with my life.  Every day I get up and try.  I have been working, little by little on projects around the house.  Trying to reclaim it, and create a space I feel good in and proud of.  I'm getting there. But it is hard work.  And lonely work.  I'm looking for a part time job.  Well slowly initiating that process.  I have updated my LinkedIn profile and have begun working on my resume to move towards a new field (possibly).  Good, but scary as it feels like a pretty major life change to add onto the rest. I'm dating.  Trying to.  Considering what a future life could possibly look like.  Different, new, with a new partner...


However, try as I may, I am finding it a struggle to let go of the vision I've had for so many years.  The one of my family of four.  With the family I have built, and connected to and developed for so many years.  The home that we shared.  The home that we built and created, together.


So how do we let go of what was to make room for what will be?  How do we trust that we will be okay, or better than okay in the future?  That our struggles won't continue the way they have.  That it will get easier, and better.  Like that campaign says.  When, will it "get better" for me?  I thought I had it all.  And cancer got thrown in my path.  I thought I handled it.  Then my marriage fell apart.  I think I'm handling it.  But I'm just simply tired of "handling" my life.  I want to enjoy, thrive and LOVE my life.  And I want to be loved back.  I am so ready for the partner that looks at me as though the sun rises and sets with me.  At least in our best moments.  Who wants to pick me up when I fall, and who lets me pick them up when they fall.  I am so ready for my next phase.  Though I must not actually be since I find those moments where the old life still feels like the future.