Another perspective

Yesterday I was not doing well.  I was feeling my mortality and the weight of this disease.  I was really thinking about how many women eventually succumb to this disease even if it is 30 years down the line with a recurrence.

Today I was talking to my dad about this.  He reminded me how much we learn every day about this disease and how much better we are treating it today than we were even 10 years ago.

I know that we will know so incredibly much more about this disease in 10, 20 and 30 years down the line.  Heck, by then, maybe we will even know how to cure it.

It was a good reminder that I can easily buy into to alleviate my fears.  So no more stressing about that. =)

On another note, I am officially off duty for party planning.  I was informed that it wasn't my job.  So I shared my ideas for the evening and have handed off the responsibility to Nick.  I'm sure it will be a wonderful evening.

More Doctors

As I have new appointments and treatments, I keep adding doctors to my team!  Today I met with a new member of my team, the Radiation Oncologist.  I will be undergoing radiation treatment as the final piece in my process (at least based on what we know right now).  Dr. Halberg is my new doctor and will manage my care (along with my surgeon who I met with first, and my plastic surgeon who will manage my reconstruction) from here on.  She was very kind and enthusiastic in her care.  I will have 28-30 treatments which will start in about one month (once I've really healed from surgery).  If my calculations are correct, I will be done before the end of October.  That's what I always sort of held in the back of my mind but then knew there was a possibility with timing that I could be pushed into mid-November.  I think the end of October is my far end though.

Other than that I'm healing well and starting to feel a bit more "up" physically speaking.  I even spent a good chunk of the day out of the house today.  I still can't lift anything (most specifically Isabella) because I still have one drain in.  As quickly as that first drain came out, this second drain is just hanging on.  They are looking for a certain amount of fluid or less each day for a minimum of three days.  I'm so close to that amount, but I've been sitting at the same quantity (more or less) from the beginning.  There just doesn't seem to be much change.  I'm just reminding myself that it is better than having it accumulate inside me.  In my doctors words- at least it is draining.  Hopefully early next week at the latest.

I'm also starting to do a little more emotional processing as I am less occupied with my physical healing.  It is day to day with how I feel.  The fact remains that mortality goes hand in hand with the diagnosis of cancer and everything with it.  As I reach the end of my own treatment, I can't help but think about the many woman who go through this more than once, and frequently succumb to the disease eventually.  I hold strong faith that this was a freakish one off experience for me.  However, the doubts tell me that so many women have their cancer recur and usually when it does come back, it is harder to treat.  For some reason I just keep thinking, even if I live 10, 20, heck even 30 years beyond this disease, I would still be dieing very young.  Thirty years from now I will only be 59 years old!  I'm realizing that I definitely need to get some true help and support (professional and from those who know personally) to deal with the reality of what I'm facing.  Cancer will always be a part of my story from here forward and somehow, I am going to have to come to grips with that.

Onward and upward right?

Antsy pants

I'm feeling oddly antsy today. Considering that I woke up feeling like a freight train had run me over, it is a little unsettling. Perhaps a sign that my body continues to heal, allowing more energy to go to my brain. I'm thinking about things to do, plans to make, and most of all fun to have. Putting this in perspective though, I was up too long last night taking a bath, visiting and eating dinner, that I ended up sick. "Too long" was apparently two hours. Lesson learned but it sure puts a damper on my "get up and go" energy. I suppose that's part of why I'm busying myself with plans for the future!

One of the bigger topics I'm considering is my big 30th birthday/ I kicked cancers ass party. We need to pick a date and settle on some basic details. Nick wants to go really big, but I'm looking at the reality that we are still paying off our fertility bill. So the fine line between I deserve the best and let's be smart about this is what I'm walking.

So does anyone have any suggestions for awesome party locations that can hold a good number of people (maybe around 80?) and is still semi frugal? I'm imagining a cocktail party with dancing and fun fun fun! Something to look forward to for sure. I am ready to celebrate!

One down...

Today was my post op appointment with my surgeon. She already removed one of my two drains! Woohoo! We expect the other one will be done in a few days so I will see her again on Tuesday fully expecting it to come out at that time. Less than a week for one and about 10 days for the second. Not too shabby.

Other news from the appointment? The unofficial pathology report! We will get an official copy but the lymph nodes were definitely negative and the tumor went from 4.6cm (ish) round (ish) to just spots over a 2cm area. No solid tumor left! And the margins were a big juicy 2-3 cms around it- so nice and clean.

All of this is the news we wanted. I had a nearly complete pathological response to chemo, a clean and successful surgery, and will finish out with radiation to lock in my cancer free state for good. I'm feeling really great and positive about all of this.

As for my surgery recovery- I'm still a little woozy from the meds but much improved. I had been on percocet since the hospital and decided that perhaps that was the cause of my never ending sleep cycle. I had some vicodan left over from chemo and decided to swap that in for one round of meds. I felt like a new person and kept it going. My energy is much improved as a result. I feel much more confident weening off the vicodan as appropriate as well. Still no lifting and lots of rest required but I feel like I'm on an upward trend.

I'll get my life (and my baby) back very soon! Though now maybe I can enjoy some of those movies and books I had in mind... 

Why am I always surprised...

I've essentially been in bed since I arrived home on Friday. I make it a point to get up at least once a day, even just to sit on the couch for a bit but I am absolutely exhausted. I'm sleeping all day and all night. I'm not sure why I expected any differently. In fact I didn't expect different and yet somehow I still feel surprised at how down I am. Visions of reading a book and watching movies while I let my body heal are quickly slipping through my fingers. I seem to be lucky to eat anything other than yogurt and tv is way too much work!

Overall I'm doing well. Major surgery is just that- major. So, I sleep.

Home and cancer free

I arrived home from the hospital yesterday at about 4:30. I'm feeling pretty good considering and am impressed at how quickly I continue improving. Initial tests showed that my lymph nodes were cancer free and my surgeon said she couldn't see the tumor in the breast tissue. Final reports take 4-5 days so I imagine I'll share that info after my post-op appointment on Wednesday.

Just feeling pretty blessed and grateful right now.

Here We Go!

Tomorrow morning I am scheduled for surgery.  I will arrive at Marin General Hospital by 6:30am and am scheduled for surgery at 7:30am.  I should be out of surgery between 11:30 and 12:30.  I will spend one night in the hospital unless I need to stay longer.  I don't anticipate that, so I will be home on Friday!

I am having a mastectomy of the right breast and a sentinel node biopsy.  They will remove the breast tissue, while preserving the skin and nipple of the right side.  Once that is done, a tissue expander will be placed under the muscle to preserve the pocket for future reconstruction.  There will be two drains placed as well which will stay in somewhere from one to three weeks.  The sentinel node biopsy will have three to five lymph nodes removed and checked for cancer cells.  Today I was injected with some radioactive material that will travel to the nodes.  The way it works is that it will go to one node first and start to collect there, and then travel to the others.  The nodes that have the most material left (determined by a fancy geigercounter) will be the ones they remove.  I am completely confident that those will be negative.  The part I am most interested in is how much cancer is actually left.  We have a point of reference from the MRI that was done after my last chemo, but it should have continued to shrink after that point.

Tomorrow, I can say that I am cancer free.  This is a big deal.  Although I'm scared (surgery isn't exactly something you look forward to) I am ready.  I am ready to be truly on the road to recovery and not just in the process of getting worse before I get better.  I am ready to get my life back.  I am ready to be mommy, and wife, and friend, and not the broken person.

So keep me in your prayers and thoughts tomorrow.  It is a big day!