We must be having fun because time is flying! This Friday Bella will be 6 weeks already! I have no idea where the time has gone. Slowly but surely we are figuring things out. She is sleeping a little bit more regularly and growing each and every day. I'm starting to get the hang of her cues and what they mean, making it easier to manage her fussiness. My anxiety is starting to return, making me a little nervous that I still may deal with some version of post-partum. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it I suppose. No sense in focusing on something out of my control at this point!
Back to the important stuff though- Bella of course! She is getting more interactive each day. Her best time is usually in the morning around 9 or 10 or so. That is when she is usually awake and happy. Evenings she tends to be fussy, but overall she is a great baby. I really couldn't love her more. Life as a mom is suiting me much better than I ever thought it could!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Belly ache
Poor Bella had her first real belly ache last night. Several hours of comfort eating, fussing and ultimately screaming told us the poor girl was hurting. Finally at about 4 am she had been comforted and relaxed and finally fell asleep. It made for a very long night for this mommy but I just felt awful for her. I keep going over the foods I ate that might have done it but I cant think of what it might be! Hopefully we can avoid it again for a good long time though! And hopefully we get a solid afternoon nap in too!!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Adjusting
Last week was probably the hardest week of my life so far. Bella was definitely going through a growth spurt which meant wanting to eat constantly and zero sleep for me. I admit- Tuesday was not my only breakdown.
I think one of the toughest parts is wanting to do what you believe is "best" for your baby but that is the one thing that is making you lose it. Those "shoulds" will nail you every time.
Any how the last few days have been much better. Nick really stepped up over the weekend after finding me in tears on Friday night. I got some sleep thanks to this and was able to regroup. I'm also back on track with the breastfeeding train. It can still be challenging at times but mentally I have a little more fortitude.
I'm also on track with my healing. I might actually start to be able to create some amount of "normal" for our days. Of course right now all I want to do during the day is sleep when my little sleeping beauty is sleeping. Still trying to listen to my instincts though. So far they seem to be steering me correctly.
So there you have it. The highs and lows continue as I suspect they will for the rest of my life!
I think one of the toughest parts is wanting to do what you believe is "best" for your baby but that is the one thing that is making you lose it. Those "shoulds" will nail you every time.
Any how the last few days have been much better. Nick really stepped up over the weekend after finding me in tears on Friday night. I got some sleep thanks to this and was able to regroup. I'm also back on track with the breastfeeding train. It can still be challenging at times but mentally I have a little more fortitude.
I'm also on track with my healing. I might actually start to be able to create some amount of "normal" for our days. Of course right now all I want to do during the day is sleep when my little sleeping beauty is sleeping. Still trying to listen to my instincts though. So far they seem to be steering me correctly.
So there you have it. The highs and lows continue as I suspect they will for the rest of my life!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Settling in
It's been a crazy ride to say the least. Week one was full of the euphoria of our baby girl. Truly the sleep deprivation wasn't so bad (actually Isabella was sleeping quite well considering) and I was just completely in love with our little family. Week two continued with the euphoria though was dampened by an unfortunate bladder infection. I couldn't believe how badly I hurt (worse than the first week of recovery) and finally went to the doctor. With Nick going back to work at the end of that week I needed to start feeling semi-functional so that I could take care of Isabella on my own! I went to the doctor and she said everything was healing great, but it turned out I had a bladder infection. So a week of antibiotics it was, and I started back on the road to recovery.
So here we are, week three. It has been admittedly tough. Nick went back to work last Friday, so this was my first week on my own. Murphy's law, it is also when Isabella decided that she needed to start eating constantly. Tuesday I lost it. I hadn't gotten much sleep for two straight nights and couldn't stop crying. I called my mom and when she asked me how I was, I couldn't even get it out without bawling. So lucky me, my mom came over to help me. There wasn't a lot of "help" that I needed, but just having someone else there that loves my little girl as much as I do makes it much easier to manage. My sister also came to visit (and brought flowers knowing I was having a tough day) and my dad came too as he was running an errand with my sister. It was probably the first time since my parents divorce that the four of us were in one room together without it being a larger event with many more people. It was actually really nice and reminded me of the way my family once was.
So I recovered from Tuesday and managed well on Wednesday. I even went out to lunch with my sister and niece! Of course I was so wiped out from the outing that I spent Thursday mostly in bed with Bella relaxing. It was a good day and I had hope that perhaps her growth spurt, or whatever neediness was going on, might be over. No such luck. Last night she woke up at the appropriate interval around 4:30am. I fed her and thought surely I'd be going back to sleep. Ha! Not quite. Isabella decided she needed to eat essentially for two hours straight. Yep come 6:30 I was thinking we were in a whole heap of hurt. But then she fell asleep finally and I thought just maybe we could sleep in. Sadly, the pattern continued for the rest of the day. Isabella didn't go more than 2 hours without eating until our last feeding around 7pm. I tried to nap, and got a couple of breaks, but not enough. By the time Nick got home I was in tears again. He took her so that I could take a shower. Then I fed her and the two of them went to the bedroom for a nap. Go figure, it has now been 2.5 hours and he's getting the good nap!
Since I couldn't quite nap again I decided to try and do something to make me feel "normal". I cleaned the kitchen and cooked dinner. I don't think I've ever enjoyed those tasks as much as I did tonight.
Now I am bracing myself for another long night. Who knows, she could surprise me. I may go wake her up soon to make sure she isn't starting the night out super hungry. I have been given the advice to feed more frequently during the day to ensure a longer break at night, so I may try to keep up with that. I wish I had been able to sleep when Nick laid down with her, but my mental health is probably better having done some "normal" activities.
I'll try to keep up with my blog a little better, but as you can imagine, when you have a child attached to you constantly it is quite difficult to do just about anything. I'm struggling just to make sure I eat during the day! At the end of the day though, that little girl's smiles (whether it is gas or not!) warms my heart and I know it is worth it. I just hope she starts sleeping a bit more soon! =)
So here we are, week three. It has been admittedly tough. Nick went back to work last Friday, so this was my first week on my own. Murphy's law, it is also when Isabella decided that she needed to start eating constantly. Tuesday I lost it. I hadn't gotten much sleep for two straight nights and couldn't stop crying. I called my mom and when she asked me how I was, I couldn't even get it out without bawling. So lucky me, my mom came over to help me. There wasn't a lot of "help" that I needed, but just having someone else there that loves my little girl as much as I do makes it much easier to manage. My sister also came to visit (and brought flowers knowing I was having a tough day) and my dad came too as he was running an errand with my sister. It was probably the first time since my parents divorce that the four of us were in one room together without it being a larger event with many more people. It was actually really nice and reminded me of the way my family once was.
So I recovered from Tuesday and managed well on Wednesday. I even went out to lunch with my sister and niece! Of course I was so wiped out from the outing that I spent Thursday mostly in bed with Bella relaxing. It was a good day and I had hope that perhaps her growth spurt, or whatever neediness was going on, might be over. No such luck. Last night she woke up at the appropriate interval around 4:30am. I fed her and thought surely I'd be going back to sleep. Ha! Not quite. Isabella decided she needed to eat essentially for two hours straight. Yep come 6:30 I was thinking we were in a whole heap of hurt. But then she fell asleep finally and I thought just maybe we could sleep in. Sadly, the pattern continued for the rest of the day. Isabella didn't go more than 2 hours without eating until our last feeding around 7pm. I tried to nap, and got a couple of breaks, but not enough. By the time Nick got home I was in tears again. He took her so that I could take a shower. Then I fed her and the two of them went to the bedroom for a nap. Go figure, it has now been 2.5 hours and he's getting the good nap!
Since I couldn't quite nap again I decided to try and do something to make me feel "normal". I cleaned the kitchen and cooked dinner. I don't think I've ever enjoyed those tasks as much as I did tonight.
Now I am bracing myself for another long night. Who knows, she could surprise me. I may go wake her up soon to make sure she isn't starting the night out super hungry. I have been given the advice to feed more frequently during the day to ensure a longer break at night, so I may try to keep up with that. I wish I had been able to sleep when Nick laid down with her, but my mental health is probably better having done some "normal" activities.
I'll try to keep up with my blog a little better, but as you can imagine, when you have a child attached to you constantly it is quite difficult to do just about anything. I'm struggling just to make sure I eat during the day! At the end of the day though, that little girl's smiles (whether it is gas or not!) warms my heart and I know it is worth it. I just hope she starts sleeping a bit more soon! =)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Week One
After four nights in the hospital- two for induction and two for recovery, it was a HUGE relief to finally come home. Nick and I both teared up a little on the car ride home as the reality of our beautiful new life settled in. Early in my pregnancy I had a conversation with a girlfriend about how we just couldn't believe that women "forget" pregnancy, labor and delivery as soon as they hold their little ones. Well I can now say that you most definitely do not forget anything. It was 9 months of trials and tribulations and to end that with two days of induction, labor and let's not forget about the fun of recovery post delivery! My point isn't how hard it is, but that it is in fact worth it. It is hard to believe that I made something so, well, perfect. A tiny perfect human life came from that work.
Anyhow, this post is supposed to be about the first week, not how mentally my life has been turned upside down! =)
In the hospital we did pretty well. Isabella was eating well and sleeping well, and was overall a very easy baby. I was struggling a little with recovery thanks to my extra tears, but we were managing well. Once we arrived home I felt confident that things would continue on that same path. Of course, true to her in utero behavior, Isabella just wasn't going to have that! =) The first night home she screamed on and off for about 7 hours. We were on a 20 minute cycle of settling her down and having her work back up again. Ultimately it was that she was hungry and was so worked up she wouldn't or couldn't latch. We finally gave in and gave her an ounce of formula that we luckily had on hand from a freebie bag. I was broken over this. All those hours of screaming and I couldn't feed my baby? I was heartbroken to say the least. But after she had a full tummy and a little rest, I was able to get her to latch on in the morning. We also happened to have a doctors appointment scheduled that day and they brought in the lactation consultant for me.
After that, it felt like we had a new baby. I was given a nipple shield, which essentially turns your breast into a bottle. My shape makes it difficult for my tiny baby's mouth to latch on quickly, and she happens to be very impatient adding to the challenge. So now she has something to latch onto quickly, which usually results in a quick start to the feeding. Unfortunately now I feel a bit tied to it, so the next step as she gets a bit bigger and hopefully a tiny bit more patient will be to ween her off the shield and back onto the breast. But we're taking it one step at a time. Right now I just want to make sure my quickly growing baby is getting everything she needs. And really, she is getting breast milk still which is the most important thing.
Other important things about the first week? She is a great sleeper generally speaking. Sleeps most of the day in fact. She has even given us a couple of long rests, 4.5 hours and last night we even got 6 hours from start of feeding to start of feeding! (So really more like 5+ hours of actual sleep...) I know they say newborns are "supposed" to eat every 0-3 hours, especially on breast milk, but I tried waking her up to feed and found that a fussy baby that has been woken up is just as difficult to feed as one that is too hungry. So I am letting her tell me when she wants to eat and just watching for those early signs. She is a sleeper like her mom and dad so as soon as she starts stirring I know it is time to get her eating. So far mostly so good. We did have one rough night again a couple of nights ago, but it was just a learning experience for us to figure out her signs. She didn't need to eat but was crying like she did. Turned out she was just over tired (we'd had several visits that day) and needed some extra comfort. Her tummy was probably working hard too, which also doesn't help. Once we gave the "happiest baby" method a real effort, we had a sleeping and quiet girl.
Every day is a learning experience. We are definitely still figuring out who this little person is and how she communicates her needs. It's so easy to want to listen to the "experts" about what the baby is "supposed" to be doing, especially when you are struggling. Ultimately though I feel like we have a pretty good connection with Isabella and we are figuring out what she needs. Mostly that is working. =)
Nick goes back to work on Friday so I am trying to enjoy every second of our family time before that happens. I can't believe how fast it all is going! I'm also hoping my body decides to heal itself just a tad quicker so I can feel more functional when it is time for me to be on my own. I guess I can always call in reinforcements if I am just not ready. Thank goodness for our wonderful family and friends! I know there is a safety net if I need it.
With that, I'll leave you with a picture of our beautiful girl.
Anyhow, this post is supposed to be about the first week, not how mentally my life has been turned upside down! =)
In the hospital we did pretty well. Isabella was eating well and sleeping well, and was overall a very easy baby. I was struggling a little with recovery thanks to my extra tears, but we were managing well. Once we arrived home I felt confident that things would continue on that same path. Of course, true to her in utero behavior, Isabella just wasn't going to have that! =) The first night home she screamed on and off for about 7 hours. We were on a 20 minute cycle of settling her down and having her work back up again. Ultimately it was that she was hungry and was so worked up she wouldn't or couldn't latch. We finally gave in and gave her an ounce of formula that we luckily had on hand from a freebie bag. I was broken over this. All those hours of screaming and I couldn't feed my baby? I was heartbroken to say the least. But after she had a full tummy and a little rest, I was able to get her to latch on in the morning. We also happened to have a doctors appointment scheduled that day and they brought in the lactation consultant for me.
After that, it felt like we had a new baby. I was given a nipple shield, which essentially turns your breast into a bottle. My shape makes it difficult for my tiny baby's mouth to latch on quickly, and she happens to be very impatient adding to the challenge. So now she has something to latch onto quickly, which usually results in a quick start to the feeding. Unfortunately now I feel a bit tied to it, so the next step as she gets a bit bigger and hopefully a tiny bit more patient will be to ween her off the shield and back onto the breast. But we're taking it one step at a time. Right now I just want to make sure my quickly growing baby is getting everything she needs. And really, she is getting breast milk still which is the most important thing.
Other important things about the first week? She is a great sleeper generally speaking. Sleeps most of the day in fact. She has even given us a couple of long rests, 4.5 hours and last night we even got 6 hours from start of feeding to start of feeding! (So really more like 5+ hours of actual sleep...) I know they say newborns are "supposed" to eat every 0-3 hours, especially on breast milk, but I tried waking her up to feed and found that a fussy baby that has been woken up is just as difficult to feed as one that is too hungry. So I am letting her tell me when she wants to eat and just watching for those early signs. She is a sleeper like her mom and dad so as soon as she starts stirring I know it is time to get her eating. So far mostly so good. We did have one rough night again a couple of nights ago, but it was just a learning experience for us to figure out her signs. She didn't need to eat but was crying like she did. Turned out she was just over tired (we'd had several visits that day) and needed some extra comfort. Her tummy was probably working hard too, which also doesn't help. Once we gave the "happiest baby" method a real effort, we had a sleeping and quiet girl.
Every day is a learning experience. We are definitely still figuring out who this little person is and how she communicates her needs. It's so easy to want to listen to the "experts" about what the baby is "supposed" to be doing, especially when you are struggling. Ultimately though I feel like we have a pretty good connection with Isabella and we are figuring out what she needs. Mostly that is working. =)
Nick goes back to work on Friday so I am trying to enjoy every second of our family time before that happens. I can't believe how fast it all is going! I'm also hoping my body decides to heal itself just a tad quicker so I can feel more functional when it is time for me to be on my own. I guess I can always call in reinforcements if I am just not ready. Thank goodness for our wonderful family and friends! I know there is a safety net if I need it.
With that, I'll leave you with a picture of our beautiful girl.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Isabella's Arrival Story
Isabella Rose-Marie was born Friday July 23rd, 2010 at 11:59 a.m. She weighed 8 lbs 8.9 oz and was 20.5 inches long. Most importantly, she is pure perfection. =) This is the story of how she came into this world.
Wednesday July 21st I was scheduled to begin induction due to gestational diabetes and borderline high blood pressure. The doctors didn't want my blood pressure to go up, Isabella to get too big, or for my placenta to begin to break down. So at 39 weeks and 1 day I was on my way to the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital at about 3:45pm. We got into our room and settled in. Over the next bit of time they checked my vitals, checked me for progress and got me and Isabella strapped up to our monitors. I was having regular contractions (as I had been for some time) but was only 1 cm dilated (maybe) and still pretty "thick". The decision at this point was between an oral cervical ripening gel and a Foley balloon, to get my cervix to dilate. Unfortunately due to my contractions, the balloon was the best bet. So they went ahead and put in the balloon. I thought this was a good thing- no drugs, perhaps it would initiate a natural labor! Well it was easily the most painful thing I've ever experienced having that darn thing put in. Probably because I was just a little too undilated still for it. But it sure did get labor going! From 8pm until 12:30 I labored, and labored hard. I was having regular contractions and they sure seemed to be doing something. I did everything right- showering, walking, sitting on the birthing ball. It was hard though and oddly the most "comfortable" place was on the toilet. But I worked at it and breathed through the pain. I was "doing great" and had high hopes that I would have my baby by morning. Every so often they would tug on the balloon to see if it had dilated me to the 3+ cms that they are looking for with the balloon. No such luck.
When they checked me however, the progress was slow and barely happening. Finally at about 6am the doctor came back and determined that the balloon was not really in properly and therefore not doing what it needed to do. They took it out and were going to put in another. You can imagine I was just about on the ceiling at this prospect after so many hours of pain from labor that did nothing, and the worst procedure I'd ever experienced. So the doctor convinced me to get some pain meds- a little in my IV and two shots. Once that kicked in a bit they put the second balloon in. This was nothing like the first time, and what I imagine it should have been like if I had been in a better position for it. They also began pitocin at this time to help things continue to move.
Thanks to the meds (and in line with the advice of all of the doctors and nurses) I spent the day Thursday sleeping. Despite this very inactive labor (against all natural birth suggestions) I was still making progress throughout the day and having regular contractions. By the end of the day I had reached the ever important 4 cms marker! I thought for sure as the night progressed with the help of pitocin that things would really continue on the right track. Unfortunately by 10pm the doctor was back and not very happy with my progress. It was just going so slow I could be there for a week and no baby. She suggested that they break my water.
I genuinely lost it at this moment. I had worked so hard over the last day and a half and had already had more medical intervention than I'd hoped for. I was scared. The doctor asked me what I was scared about, what were my concerns, etc. She didn't want me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with, but this was her advice. I actually couldn't even put into words what I was worried about. Well actually I was mostly worried that it would "start the clock ticking" on my labor, putting me at high risk for c-section. She assured me that this wasn't the case. There was no clock and they would just watch me for infection by taking my temperature. I wasn't going to be pushed into a c-section unless they thought I was getting an infection, regardless of the time.
So I agreed to have my water broken. It wasn't painful at all, but it was seriously the flood of the ages. I couldn't believe how much fluid there was! Even the doctor and nurse were shocked at how much fluid came out. You can have excess fluid with GD, but since they've been checking me for fluid levels for weeks, no one expected as much as I had I guess! I kept thinking "gee all that fluid, maybe that means my baby is even smaller!" They also put in the internal monitor for Isabella since she kept coming off the external monitor and needed to watch her as long as I was on the pitocin. Also they put the internal contraction monitor on which tells you not only frequency (like the external contraction monitor) but strength as well. I swear I had more cords coming out of me at this point I felt a little bionic!
Right after they broke my water, I decided that my mental strength had been worn down and if I wanted to be able to push this baby out, I needed some pain management. I opted to get the epidural. I am very grateful that I made this decision even though it was the last thing I had planned on. The pain was too much for me to manage after such a long process.
The epidural itself wasn't painful to get. Yes the local stings a bit, but really the hardest part is to sit still through the contractions while they put it in. My epidural was a bit lopsided, a little too much on the left side. It freaked me out a little to be honest because I had almost no control over that leg. I could raise it up from the side, but couldn't lift it into a bent position or anything like that. We also had to call the doctor back in because this lopsidedness was a little more than just uncomfortable. I was still feeling cramping on my right side. But after the doctor came back the pain was all gone and I was able to relax a bit.
After the epidural I was able to sleep through the night. Thank goodness for this! At about 5am the doctors checked my progress and I was only 5 cms. I was devastated but trying to keep my head up. At 7am they checked me and I was 6cms. This was the fasted progress I'd made! I thought for sure things would pick up from here. Unfortunately around 6am I had started feeling a little nauseous and overheated. I thought it was just my blood sugar or something. I got cooled off but when the doctors came in I asked if I could have juice or something to eat because I thought I needed something. They told me no since I'd had the epidural.
Between these new day shift doctors and the day shift nurse, all of a sudden I felt bullied and unsupported. I had yet another mini breakdown when I found out that they decided to up my pitocin every 20 minutes. My sister talked me down and I tried to sleep a little. In retrospect the doctors and the nurse may not have been kind and gentle, but they were not doing anything inappropriate. I had just reached my capacity of dealing with this process.
The next thing I knew though I started feeling pressure with my contractions. They kept asking me to rate my pain and I kept telling them there was no pain just pressure. It really does feel like you need to go poop. They checked me around 9am and I was 8 cms! They said they'd be back in two hours. I told my sister that there was no way, they'd better be back before then because the pressure was becoming insane! Not only was I feeling the pressure but every few contractions I could feel the head moving out of the rectal area and into the birth canal. This baby was on her way.
Around 9:30 it was so intense we convinced the doctors to come back. They checked me and I was ready to go! Since I was having the pressure and feeling like I could push, they said I could push the baby down into the birth canal instead of laboring through it if I wanted. So at 9:45 I started pushing. It seemed like forever before there was a medical staff member even present for this. I just pushed with my sister and husband working me through each contraction.
From this point on I have to be honest, it is a little bit like a dream. I know it happened and that I experienced this birth, but it was all very surreal. Each contraction became more difficult to get through. I was pushing like my life depended on it though. It wasn't painful, but very uncomfortable and I just wanted the relief of having it over. At one point my motivation was "you didn't want a c-section, so here you go. You asked for this!" Another point my motivation was just my husband counting in my ear. I definitely had a couple of moments internally of "oh my god I can't do this" but knew that I had to. With the last couple of pushes my sister, husband and doctor all told me "she's right there, you can do it, she is nearly here!" That was the motivation at the end when it actually became painful. I don't know what the doctors were doing but it felt like they were ripping me open to get her head out!
Not terribly surprising I had some tearing. The doctor made a very small episiotomy cut to help her head out, which resulted in a very small tear. The doctor told me she doesn't like to do episiotomies so really it was very very small and not a big deal as far as tearing goes. However they told me as the baby came out she "scratched me" (what??? not sure about this explanation but whatever), and so I had a tear above my urethra. As a result, they worked on me for 45 minutes after delivery.
Isabella came out with a cry but her heart rate dropped right before delivery, and her cord was a little bit around her neck so they took her away to the baby warmer before I got her. Honestly, I needed the moment to recover anyhow and I could see her from my bed. I had the oxygen mask still from my laboring and kept it on to get my head back together. Once she was determined to be good, they brought her to me and put her right on my chest. It was no more than a couple of minutes and really did give me the chance to enjoy my first moment with my baby with a clear head.
I wouldn't describe it as love at first site, but more like coming home. It just felt right. Holding my little girl in my arms was the most calming and healing experience I think I've ever felt.
I will write soon about our first few days but for now this will have to do. Here are a few pictures of our baby girl on her birthday.
Wednesday July 21st I was scheduled to begin induction due to gestational diabetes and borderline high blood pressure. The doctors didn't want my blood pressure to go up, Isabella to get too big, or for my placenta to begin to break down. So at 39 weeks and 1 day I was on my way to the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital at about 3:45pm. We got into our room and settled in. Over the next bit of time they checked my vitals, checked me for progress and got me and Isabella strapped up to our monitors. I was having regular contractions (as I had been for some time) but was only 1 cm dilated (maybe) and still pretty "thick". The decision at this point was between an oral cervical ripening gel and a Foley balloon, to get my cervix to dilate. Unfortunately due to my contractions, the balloon was the best bet. So they went ahead and put in the balloon. I thought this was a good thing- no drugs, perhaps it would initiate a natural labor! Well it was easily the most painful thing I've ever experienced having that darn thing put in. Probably because I was just a little too undilated still for it. But it sure did get labor going! From 8pm until 12:30 I labored, and labored hard. I was having regular contractions and they sure seemed to be doing something. I did everything right- showering, walking, sitting on the birthing ball. It was hard though and oddly the most "comfortable" place was on the toilet. But I worked at it and breathed through the pain. I was "doing great" and had high hopes that I would have my baby by morning. Every so often they would tug on the balloon to see if it had dilated me to the 3+ cms that they are looking for with the balloon. No such luck.
When they checked me however, the progress was slow and barely happening. Finally at about 6am the doctor came back and determined that the balloon was not really in properly and therefore not doing what it needed to do. They took it out and were going to put in another. You can imagine I was just about on the ceiling at this prospect after so many hours of pain from labor that did nothing, and the worst procedure I'd ever experienced. So the doctor convinced me to get some pain meds- a little in my IV and two shots. Once that kicked in a bit they put the second balloon in. This was nothing like the first time, and what I imagine it should have been like if I had been in a better position for it. They also began pitocin at this time to help things continue to move.
Thanks to the meds (and in line with the advice of all of the doctors and nurses) I spent the day Thursday sleeping. Despite this very inactive labor (against all natural birth suggestions) I was still making progress throughout the day and having regular contractions. By the end of the day I had reached the ever important 4 cms marker! I thought for sure as the night progressed with the help of pitocin that things would really continue on the right track. Unfortunately by 10pm the doctor was back and not very happy with my progress. It was just going so slow I could be there for a week and no baby. She suggested that they break my water.
I genuinely lost it at this moment. I had worked so hard over the last day and a half and had already had more medical intervention than I'd hoped for. I was scared. The doctor asked me what I was scared about, what were my concerns, etc. She didn't want me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with, but this was her advice. I actually couldn't even put into words what I was worried about. Well actually I was mostly worried that it would "start the clock ticking" on my labor, putting me at high risk for c-section. She assured me that this wasn't the case. There was no clock and they would just watch me for infection by taking my temperature. I wasn't going to be pushed into a c-section unless they thought I was getting an infection, regardless of the time.
So I agreed to have my water broken. It wasn't painful at all, but it was seriously the flood of the ages. I couldn't believe how much fluid there was! Even the doctor and nurse were shocked at how much fluid came out. You can have excess fluid with GD, but since they've been checking me for fluid levels for weeks, no one expected as much as I had I guess! I kept thinking "gee all that fluid, maybe that means my baby is even smaller!" They also put in the internal monitor for Isabella since she kept coming off the external monitor and needed to watch her as long as I was on the pitocin. Also they put the internal contraction monitor on which tells you not only frequency (like the external contraction monitor) but strength as well. I swear I had more cords coming out of me at this point I felt a little bionic!
Right after they broke my water, I decided that my mental strength had been worn down and if I wanted to be able to push this baby out, I needed some pain management. I opted to get the epidural. I am very grateful that I made this decision even though it was the last thing I had planned on. The pain was too much for me to manage after such a long process.
The epidural itself wasn't painful to get. Yes the local stings a bit, but really the hardest part is to sit still through the contractions while they put it in. My epidural was a bit lopsided, a little too much on the left side. It freaked me out a little to be honest because I had almost no control over that leg. I could raise it up from the side, but couldn't lift it into a bent position or anything like that. We also had to call the doctor back in because this lopsidedness was a little more than just uncomfortable. I was still feeling cramping on my right side. But after the doctor came back the pain was all gone and I was able to relax a bit.
After the epidural I was able to sleep through the night. Thank goodness for this! At about 5am the doctors checked my progress and I was only 5 cms. I was devastated but trying to keep my head up. At 7am they checked me and I was 6cms. This was the fasted progress I'd made! I thought for sure things would pick up from here. Unfortunately around 6am I had started feeling a little nauseous and overheated. I thought it was just my blood sugar or something. I got cooled off but when the doctors came in I asked if I could have juice or something to eat because I thought I needed something. They told me no since I'd had the epidural.
Between these new day shift doctors and the day shift nurse, all of a sudden I felt bullied and unsupported. I had yet another mini breakdown when I found out that they decided to up my pitocin every 20 minutes. My sister talked me down and I tried to sleep a little. In retrospect the doctors and the nurse may not have been kind and gentle, but they were not doing anything inappropriate. I had just reached my capacity of dealing with this process.
The next thing I knew though I started feeling pressure with my contractions. They kept asking me to rate my pain and I kept telling them there was no pain just pressure. It really does feel like you need to go poop. They checked me around 9am and I was 8 cms! They said they'd be back in two hours. I told my sister that there was no way, they'd better be back before then because the pressure was becoming insane! Not only was I feeling the pressure but every few contractions I could feel the head moving out of the rectal area and into the birth canal. This baby was on her way.
Around 9:30 it was so intense we convinced the doctors to come back. They checked me and I was ready to go! Since I was having the pressure and feeling like I could push, they said I could push the baby down into the birth canal instead of laboring through it if I wanted. So at 9:45 I started pushing. It seemed like forever before there was a medical staff member even present for this. I just pushed with my sister and husband working me through each contraction.
From this point on I have to be honest, it is a little bit like a dream. I know it happened and that I experienced this birth, but it was all very surreal. Each contraction became more difficult to get through. I was pushing like my life depended on it though. It wasn't painful, but very uncomfortable and I just wanted the relief of having it over. At one point my motivation was "you didn't want a c-section, so here you go. You asked for this!" Another point my motivation was just my husband counting in my ear. I definitely had a couple of moments internally of "oh my god I can't do this" but knew that I had to. With the last couple of pushes my sister, husband and doctor all told me "she's right there, you can do it, she is nearly here!" That was the motivation at the end when it actually became painful. I don't know what the doctors were doing but it felt like they were ripping me open to get her head out!
Not terribly surprising I had some tearing. The doctor made a very small episiotomy cut to help her head out, which resulted in a very small tear. The doctor told me she doesn't like to do episiotomies so really it was very very small and not a big deal as far as tearing goes. However they told me as the baby came out she "scratched me" (what??? not sure about this explanation but whatever), and so I had a tear above my urethra. As a result, they worked on me for 45 minutes after delivery.
Isabella came out with a cry but her heart rate dropped right before delivery, and her cord was a little bit around her neck so they took her away to the baby warmer before I got her. Honestly, I needed the moment to recover anyhow and I could see her from my bed. I had the oxygen mask still from my laboring and kept it on to get my head back together. Once she was determined to be good, they brought her to me and put her right on my chest. It was no more than a couple of minutes and really did give me the chance to enjoy my first moment with my baby with a clear head.
I wouldn't describe it as love at first site, but more like coming home. It just felt right. Holding my little girl in my arms was the most calming and healing experience I think I've ever felt.
I will write soon about our first few days but for now this will have to do. Here are a few pictures of our baby girl on her birthday.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Nursey- Final Viewing
I'm really proud of how the nursery turned out. I think it is pretty and girly, but still classy and warm. I realize that it will likely never look this way again, since everything will change once we are actually using it, so I wanted to share my vision for our baby girl's beautiful nursery. Some of these pictures will look similar to what you've seen before, and others will be brand new!
The two blankets that you see were handmade for Isabella. The purple one is from her great Noni, Marie, and the beige one is from her great aunt Judith.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt
I made this for Isabella using wall stickers. I loved the quilted look and the hummingbirds too.
A little nod to her great grandma Patricia.
A little nod to her great grandma Patricia.
These were decorations from my baby shower that my sister's Sarah and KC threw. KC actually made the dragonflies. I used some of the butterflies and dragonflies to add to the mobile above the bed, and the rest you see here above the rocking chair.
I needed a small trashcan for the room and wasn't impressed with any of the "cute" ones that I saw.
So I bought a really basic plain white one, and used some of the leftover stickers!
I am very pleased with the result.
The table for the rocking chair. I'm sure there will be a great deal of use for this eventually, but for now it is the home of our twilight turtle- at least until it is time to start using it.
"I feel just like a princess." I hope she does in all the right ways. =)
The dresser and changing table. I still haven't broken down the amazing diaper cake my friend Angela made, so it gets to live on the changing table until it is time to put it to use!
The closet. This child already has so many clothes it is a little silly! And these are only the ones that are 3 months or bigger! I'm also ready for the shoe collection, which she is starting out with 6 pairs. As you can see the closet is also storage for all those things we just can't use quite yet, including our diaper stash!
And finally the super cute laundry basket I found. We'll see how it works out. I may end up swapping my own with this one if it isn't convenient enough, but we'll go with cute for now!
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