Though I am very much still healing, I am feeling so good about my body. This surgery was crazy. What it takes and the amount of recovery time is extreme. Going in, I also felt I had absolutely no guarantees. That is a really scary place to be. But I also knew I was miserable in the state of my body and had to do something. Of course there are still plenty of things I plan to do to get my body healthy, but the fact is that I felt broken. My body hadn't been mine in years. From pregnancy to cancer to pregnancy to breastfeeding, I had given my body over to "other" in many ways and for many purposes. I am so blessed and grateful for all that my body has done. I have carried two beautiful, healthy babies to full term and birthed them with little complication. I fought the battle of a lifetime, poisoning, cutting and deforming and burning/poisoning myself to eradicate the rogue cells that were trying to kill me. Finally, I fed and nourished my beautiful boy on demand for 15 full months. My body did all of that. Truly amazing.
My body unfortunately also carried a great deal of extra weight. And allowed those killer rogue cells to take hold leaving me deformed. I hold no stock in "being skinny" but as I've written about previously, my weight does affect me in my ability to do the things I desire in the world. Also, when combined with emotional damage of youth, I carry a negative self image, feeling undesirable and unattractive. This was a hard enough battle on its own. Adding a deformity from the loss of a breast was a weight I couldn't quite bear. When I had my mastectomy I never went through a grieving process regarding my breast. For many women it is a very emotional thing, even feeling that they've lost their womanhood. I truly never felt that. But my expander was uncomfortable and never looked even sort of like a breast, even when in a bra. I had hoped that the implant would be better, both in looks and comfort. It was better, but barely, and as you know, didn't last. I felt most comfortable with nothing in (ironically) but still never felt good about myself when I looked in the mirror. Going into this surgery, I had hoped only to feel ok in clothing and a bra. I had very low expectations even for that. I just didn't trust that I wouldn't be permanently externally marked from cancer for all to see.
Today, I put on "normal" clothes for the first time since surgery. I wore a regular bra (which I had basically given up on since my first pregnancy), a simple cotton shirt, and jeans. I couldn't have been more thrilled. Although I am still "big" as far as sizes go, I now have a flat stomach. And my bra was appropriately filled on both sides. You would never have been able to tell that I had undergone anything. Although after an hour in said clothing I could feel it in my still healing body, I had a new lightness in my heart.
For lack of a better description, I feel like myself again. The inside and the outside finally match. I look forward to continuing on my path of healing and strengthening my body, losing a little more weight and building my muscles so that I can show my children how to live a healthy life. Fruits and vegetables and reasonable portions to eat, hikes and biking and enjoying the amazing things our home has to offer. Hopefully this will also open up a few additional options for me to achieve some goals I have in mind- parts I can play in shows, new skills I'd like to learn, things like that.
I am just so amazingly grateful to have undergone this surgery. I never intended to do it so soon, and was quite terrified of what it was going to take. What was worse, I never felt confident that it was going to give me enough back to be "worth it". Today I can say that this was one of the better choices I have made in this process. I may have felt I was making it under duress somewhat, but it was unquestionably the best thing I could have done. My surgeon is amazing and I look forward to thanking him properly. He gave me back pieces of myself I hadn't even realized I had lost.
