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Fw (1): mpr

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• http://phenhex.com/cisgjlke/fytwgdxg.php?dldvw-rpm3?umgedshhy

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Re (3):

>>forwarded message
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> http://verslas.kaisiadorys.lt/ohbwuucn.php?dbj-e9m5
>

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Re (5): oa

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Begin forwarded message:

It is better to be the widow of a hero than the wife of a coward.

From: Karey Gauthier -moonrose2715@gmail.com-
Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2016 11:53:27 +0000
To: Kiana S Mom Valerie Kodzoman
Subject: Re (5): oa

Mail Code: 4fec2

I'm Okay... Or Not...

I have had a number of people ask me lately if I am okay.  They notice I am struggling in one way or another.  So they ask.  So here is my answer.

I am not okay.  I am struggling.  I hurt more than I don't.  I'm angry often.  I don't understand where I fit in this world.  I had the one person who was supposed to be in my corner for life, betray me.  Then fight me.  My health has been up and down.  I have fought hard.  I am tired.  I simultaneously know that I have a great deal to offer the world, and yet feel I cannot do anything.  Most of all- my heart is still really broken- not over the man, but over the life.  My entire life has exploded.  Nearly all of what I knew is no longer.  Even as I recognize that the life hadn't fit me well, until you have completely dismantled your life and had to put it back together, you won't know the ache of messiness that is this process.

And at the same time...

I am okay.  I have truly wonderful, good people in my life who love and support me.  I have two amazing children.  I have a great job with a fantastic boss.  I have a reliable car to drive.  I have a home.  I have plenty of food to eat.  I am alive.  I wake up every day.  I have the strength to know I can continue to put one foot in front of the other.  I beat cancer.  I survived infidelity.  Ultimately- I've got this.

I am asking for nothing.  Kindness and understanding are always welcome.  Honesty too.  I know I have faults.  They run pretty deep.  But if you know me, you should know that my heart is softer than most and I never intend harm.  Not really.  If I'm being a jerk, odds are that I am in an enormous amount of pain.  I'm like a rolo- hard shell, gooey on the inside.  If you can- keep that in mind.

Transformation

I have really been struggling lately.  I can feel the storm in and around me, and ultimately I do trust that it is the process of transformation.  Gratefully I have experienced some of the benefits of the transformation.  However, some old demons have also risen.  The demons I have been dealing with are insecurity in friendship.  I truly believed I had overcome these demons, but what I have realized is that they are tied up in my sense of feeling like I am seen and loved and deemed worthy and important.

Last spring my community felt solid.  I knew who my people were and where we all fit in each other's lives.  Then lives changed.  It happens.  There was no way to avoid schedules changing and no longer lining up.  What I didn't expect was the changes that happened with that.  In retrospect it seems pretty obvious that when your life takes you to new places and around new people, and no longer with the same rhythm of those you had before, that your relationships will change too.  New people will fill in, new needs will develop.

Even with all of this intellectual knowledge my insecurities have taken over.  I worry that people have compassion fatigue with me because the challenges of my life keep coming.  I worry that the new friend is more important, better, closer, etc...  I worry that I'm not as important to them as they are to me.  I worry that I don't matter.

It has been a challenging few months to say the least.  I don't see the light but I know it is there.  Blind faith.  Trust.  I have it all.  I guess now I just need a little pixie dust.